A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband and i have been married since april 2008. We started talking jan 2008. Our relationship moved extremely fast. We have a baby together she was born april 2009. We have lots of issues and are trying to decide iof we should stay together. Before we got married i ran into and old friend, one i had been intimate with. we talked for a while and i got his new number to keep in touch. i wasnt thinking anything of it. even though i still cared about him i was seeing someone and didnt think that i was doing anything wrong, after all we were just friends. when we were finishing up talking my hasband (boyfriend at the time) called he just got out of work. i told him what i was doing and that i was close to his work. He hung up on me. i didnt know this at the time we live in the middle of no where and i thought he lost reception. he was extremely pissed at me. he eventualy forgave me so i thought and we got married. i know several people with the same name as my friend and i thought that i had told him that i got married through text. i later found out that i didnt but by this time our marriage was already having trust issues do the conversation with my friend while my husband was at work. i thought he was going to divorce me already and had trouble telling my friend that i got married once i found out i told the wrong person. so know my husband was even more pissed at me. before we got married and after my conversation with my friend my husband (boyfriend at the time) went to a strip club where he had dated several of the girls. he let one of his ex's sit on his lap. he says he didnt think anything of it it didnt mean anything to him. because of these two situations our marriage quickly went on a rollercoaster. We both have issues of trust now with eachother. when we fight he is extremely mean and tells me things like he doesnt want to be with me im a s**t wh*re, go be with my friend, and so on. at first all this really hurt my feelings. i cared for him so much and didnt want him to leave me. if he would try to leave i would block him. then i graduated to him trying to push me out of the way. then grabbing me to move me. it just kept getting worse and worse we eventually ended up hitting eachother. we are both equally to blame for this. i finnaly got to a point of where i stopped this and he kept going saying i kept him in the room so he was just returning it. he would yell in my ear as loud as possible. be extremely mean to me. i out up with it because i love him and knew that i had started it.then i started to realize that he was now hitting m on his own. i wasnt contributing to it anymore. i know that i pushed him to it but know it was all him. so when it would happen i would point out to him that i wasnt doing it anymore and that he was continuing. i would tell him how i wasnt going to put up with this treatment and that i wanted out. when he knew that i was truely serious he would change his behavior and convince me to stay. we went about this for about a year.we no longer do the hitting thing. i dont really know how it stopped but it did. we still block every know and then, but no hitting. we are both still extremely mean to eachother and go back and fourth on whether or not to divorce. he is seeing a therapist for anger and im seeing someone for my anxiety with depression. we go back and fourth making marriage counciling appointment and cancel because we fight and want to call it quits but make up. when its good its good but when its bad its bad. right now we care but dont care.he thinks that im cheating on him but im not. i have talked to someone a couple of times but i dont want to sleep with him or anything like that. i think i just want someone to talk to that wont throw everything i say in my face or use it against me some. i love my husband and have decided that i do want to atleast try the counciling before we call it quits so this way i know that we tried everything to make it work for our daughter. i thought that we had come to this agreement, but now he is saying that he just doesnt belive me that im not cheating and wants to call it quits. one thing that we do know is that we both love eachother very much but both have issues.i guess i have a couple questions.1. is love enough to make this absolutly crazy relationship work.2. is counciling a good idea or is this relationship done.3.how do i prove im not cheating.4.could he have found someone and is using the excuse of him not believing me to end it so its my fault.i am soooo confused and could use all the help i can get someone please help.thank you for any comments and i can give more clarification or examples is necessary. there is just so much that has happened
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female
reader, Sad and Lost +, writes (18 September 2009):
I really feel for you. This is a very toxic relationship you are in. Of course love is needed to make a relationship work, but a relationship also takes much more than just love to work. I hate to say it doesn't sound like much else is working with yours. Counseling may help, but there has to be committment on both parts and a good foundation to the relationship in order for counseling to be successful.Do you want a husband who would never physically or verbaly abuse you? Do you want someone to be your equal partner and friend to enhance your life? If so, you are very young, and think no children. You have an excellenct chance for a fresh start. You have probably learned a lot from this relationship that can help you build a much healthier with someone in the future who not only loves you but is committed to being a good husband. Everyone deserves to have a happy fulfilling marriage. And everyone makes mistakes. Dont force yourself to stay in an unhealthy situation and relationship.And you don't need to prove anything. If he does not have trust in you or is using that as an excuse to get out, he is not worth your time. There is something much better out there for you. I promise that. Allow yourself to find it.I wish you the best and you will be in my prayers. Take care.
A
female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (12 September 2009):
 1. is love enough to make this absolutly crazy relationship work.No, its not, at least not what you are defining as love. Love does not do the things that you are doing to each other. You are not loving him or him you when you are hitting each other and verbally assaulting one another.Love cares more about the best interests of the other person more than itself... but that doesn't mean it accepts abuse. Example: The husband you love dearly hits you in a fit of anger, he feels remorseful or maybe even justified. Love would say, it is not in my husband's best interest (or mine) to tolerate this behavior... allowing abuse is hurting him by condoning illegal immoral behavior as well as creating a dangerous environment for me and my children. So a loving response would be to hold him accountable for his actions, and you for yours. Love would keep each other safe... and from what you describe I would think that love would mean separate living arrangements for both your safety and your child's safety. Down the road maybe you both will have learned after counselling a new way.2. is counciling a good idea or is this relationship done.Yes, I think counseling is a good idea... individually first, then marriage counseling. This relationship may very well be done if you both can not make healthy changes, but regardless counseling can help put you in a healthier frame of mind for the future, no matter what the outcome.3.how do i prove im not cheating.You don't. Quit trying to prove something verbally. Quit responding to the verbal bashing... its a distracting issue from your real problems. You are both using this as though its the problem, but the real problem is that you are not loving each other through mutually safe and nurturing actions. Don't respond with words... respond with loving considerate actions. Conduct yourself with strict boundaries that say you honor your relationship and do not want to jeopardize it. That means no more male friendships, clean out your phone of non-essential phone numbers especially non-relatives who are male, be open and transparent-no passwords, no secret phone calls, no hidden emails. ACTIONS really do speak louder than words.Your continuous and consistent efforts to insure that infidelity does not enter your relationship is a loving action that protects your spouse from emotional harm and protects your marriage. (Your friendship with the male you are speaking with is a very risky relationship- you are hurting and vulnerable it only takes a short weak moment for that relationship to shift to physical.) The only ones besides God and a counselor that you should be sharing your feelings with is your husband. Right now, you are conducting an emotional affair with your male friend.4.could he have found someone and is using the excuse of him not believing me to end it so its my fault.That may be, but you don't know that... you can still take action to change your own behaviors that are damaging your relationship regardless of what he may or may not be doing. Your relationship may end, he may be motivated to change by following your example, he may be totally unimpressed... whatever he gets to choose his actions and you get to choose yours. No matter the outcome, if you change your input to the relationship and eliminate your own damaging behaviors, you will know that you have done everything you could to love your husband safely... you will also have a healthy set of boundaries and appropriate self-control for any future relationships you may enter. So either way for you it is a win-win for you to get control of your own life and let him decide if he wants to do the same. You need change for your own life and your child's.May God Bless your efforts.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (12 September 2009):
 i guess i have a couple questions.
1. is love enough to make this absolutly crazy relationship work.
Nope. Love alone is a great motivator, but it is not enough to make a relationship work. The reason is that you can love someone that is totally wrong for you. If the two of you were both completely emotionally healthy, love alone STILL would not be enough to make a marriage work. Things like a commitment to commitment (not the other person), ability to forgive, ability to change damaging behaviors, following the rules of relationships you come up with, coming up with reasonable rules of relationships, staying away from drugs and exs, and so on, play a factor in it too.
2. is counciling a good idea or is this relationship done.
Only if you both still want to be married. If you don't, then counciling means nothing.
3.how do i prove im not cheating.
If the accusation comes from him just putting the attention on you, away from him, then it is just a ploy and no amount of proof will work. However, you do need to change some behaviors of your own. Making contact with an ex when you are in a relationship where your partner feels threatened, and then not even being able to keep track of it (same name?, that's your excuse) is all suspicious behavior whether you mean it or not.
4.could he have found someone and is using the excuse of him not believing me to end it so its my fault.
It is possible. Esp if he does not like conflict or confrontation. However, you still need to figure out if you want to be with him, before you seek out a solution to this.
-Frank Kermit
http://www.franktalks.com
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