A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is love enough? Should I leave?I have been dating someone for 20 months, but I think I am at the point where I am ready to give up. During this time we have argued at least once a month about the same things (i.e. cleaning, finances, moving forward, responsibility, etc...). I have typed out long e-mails to him about all my issues (much of what is written below) because he gets too defensive when I try to discuss things with him. The arguments always end in these grand plans to change, and I am still not sure when that will come.I've reached the point where I am tired of hearing these promises. I am tired of hearing all the plans about tomorrow while nothing gets done today.I know he loves me, his family loves me, and he would do anything "extreme" for me. But when it comes down to the day-to-day things of cleaning up the disheveled filthy basement he cluttered with his unresolved life it can never get done unless someone helps him, or fusses at him. Ever since we've been together something financial has always come up, he couldn't afford his health insurance so he did not pay it, got sick and owes several thousand in dr. bills. He could not afford the insurance because I believe it is a mixture of anxiety, the inability to focus on one thing, and lack of responsibility.He didn't show up for an assignment because he said he did not have the right tools, and sent an e-mail to the company to let them know he would not be there. The e-mail was sent the day of the assignment, and there was an issue with his e-mail transmission so it came off as a no show. He took a prideful stance and did not submit to the appeal, and burned his bridge with that company. He's spent the past 3 months researching what it takes to open a martial arts school and make a living by doing artwork/copy writing. He focused on this, because he felt too much anxiety about what happened with the service platform that provides most of his income. He only started looking for additional service platforms when I began hinting that I did not know where we were going like this. But still the money isn't really flowing. We've lived together 6 months and he has not given me any money except once when I told him I needed it for my parent. I feel any type of advice or counseling I provide is wasted on him, so I don't bother to give any opinions, I just stare at him when he brainstorms the ideas I already gave him. He has debts that he has not addressed from his early twenties that have accumulated to the point where he recently considered filing bankruptcy. He accumulated more debt since he did not respond to a court claim and delayed filings of the past two years of taxes. I just don't believe I will have a good life with him. He says I treat him like a child. He's right. I feel his behavior is like a child. I even have to remind him about simple hygiene issues like cutting his nails, washing his hair, getting a hair cut, brushing his teeth, showering. All the grown up habits like eating well.I am finding more and more things wrong with this relationship... rather I am finally accepting the wrong things that will not change and realizing I can't live with it.I question why I stay. I love him, but lately, I don't know if I like him. I feel like he makes my life difficult. By this stage in our relationship I should have had an engagement ring and been married this summer. But he is such a late bloomer who I am unsure will ever blossom. I want children, but I am not sure I can handle having to constantly be behind him, and children. I don't know if he has what it takes to be a good father if he has not even grown up himself.This is why I ask is love enough?Anyway, I would love your thoughts, as I have never been one to give up on anyone, but I am not quite happy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your responses. Since my original post, he did move out, but we came to an agreement of things that we both need to work on/accomplish in order for us to consider marriage. We said we would take 6 months and then assess where things are.
As time has passed, I still do not feel any more comfortable about the thought of marrying him. He's damaged a door of mine in anger, he's still struggling to pay his bills, and although he is working now, he's mentioned trying to start two new endeavors. Stability eludes me and I see myself having a very hard life with him.
I look at his life and feel in my heart that marrying him would be a mistake. He loves me, cares about me, but I do not believe he is mature enough to be a husband.
I don't have many friends, and I don't know that we would be able to continue a friendship if things don't work out. When I think about ending things I cry because I don't want to hurt him, I am unhappy, and I don't have enough courage. I used to think it was about me not wanting to be by myself, but I know if I try I can make more friends.
He's trying to change, but I don't believe he can. I've waited four months, and he still cannot afford his own apartment, has bad hygiene, and every few weeks will come up with some new revelation of what he is supposed to do with his life.
For the past 2.5 years it's been the same "hey, I want to be a realtor... insurance sales person... copy writer... web marketer... illustrator (of which he has real talent)... martial art instructor... a business owner... work for someone else..."
I can't take the instability anymore... I find myself drifting off during phone conversations with him because it just seems like simple lip service that never materializes.
I am getting older and want to have kids and a family. I was raised in a dysfunctional home and desperately wanted something different for my life. It depresses me to think that I may not be able to find a decent husband or be able to give birth to kids and create that wonderful life I never had.
I am also afraid of dating and maybe being rejected, having someone cheat on me, or not being able to find a suitable husband. At least with my current boyfriend I know he's completely faithful, and would do anything for me. We do have fun doing some things together, but more often than not we always end up arguing. Not to mention everything I've seen so far leads me to believe that he has some difficulties overcoming his anxiety, that he has problems sticking to things, that financial troubles always seem to find him, and that he will constantly have health issues, and hygiene issues. My life on my own does not have any of these things.
I tried so hard in life and feel like I deserve more.
Maybe my question is:
1) Have I really given him enough time to get his act together?
2) How do I end things?
3) Do you have any encouragement for me and my desire to be married, have children, and finally have a happy family?
I do love him, but I know love isn't enough, and fear of being alone or a ticking biological clock isn't a reason to stay in a relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGood point, but unfortunately he lives with me in my house. I am having second thoughts. I just continue to pray for the strength to move forward.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010): thanks for the heartening follow up. For your own safety and to avoid a lot of drama, guilt trips and accusations thrown at you i would suggest you leave quietly.
Leave without fanfare, without him present, without him aware of you are leaving and leave a note.
If he is unstable he does not need your forwarding address. Take care. Look after yourself. And i really hope you find a wonderful man who you can share your life with you and your future children.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your responses. You are all right. I just find it hard to let go. I moved here, to a new state by myself for work, and he was one of the first people I met. I spent so much time arguing with him and trying to get him back on track that I haven't made enough connections with others, so I am a little scared to be alone.
I guess it has to be done regardless. I fell like a villian for not continuing even after I said I would, and he promised he would get a regular job.
I guess I am also afraid of not finding anyone else. I am early thirties approaching mid-thirties, and the episode of sex and the city when Miranda almost chokes and no one but the cat is there replays in my mind.
Anyway, thanks for your advice. You reinforced the right, healthy decision.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 November 2010):
 You ask if love is enough. The hard answer is no, it is not. You cannot change someone who is unwilling to change. You cannot fix someone who can't see the problems.
I would ask him to move out and see if this jolt might make a difference. Honestly, I doubt it. If he's your age and this irresponsible about health, finances, career and personal appearance, um, he's not going to change. I'd drop back and punt. Sorry to say it again, love alas does not conquer all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010): he has medical bills. I am wondering, from the description if he is bi-polar?If he has not yet been assessed for this cruel disease of the brain i would suggest it be done urgently.And my next advice may seem cruel, but only because i have seen bi polar destroy a family. if he is bi polar that means long term treatment and occasional 10 steps back and 2 steps forward. It is exhausting caring for someone like that. The carers get worn out doing the caring. So cruel as it seems, i would suggest you move on and find a friend without these issues. If his brain is not well he most of all needs treatment.And next time choose someone whose life is better managed by themselvesMy advice to move out and move on is said because i do not want to see your chance of happiness and a fulfilling life slipping away, in the face of all his problems. My brother-in-law was bi-polar and so much that you describe mirrors exactly how he was. Which was unable to complete things, unable to complete studies, the irrationality of it all, the messiness, inability to cope, grandiose plans that usually fizzle. Sometimes manic over spending. The focus on self. Very little empathy on his part.From the situation you detailed, it would appear thaYou are in effect parenting him.I watched how my brother in law drew in every family member. Yet then he would get to the point where he would walk out and reject even those who had been kind to him. His mother did so much for him. Yet he attempted suicide on her birthday. After that he got even more support from everyone. Then he got a girl pregnant. He did marry the girl, but then he became more and more anxious as the pregnancy advanced. It was a worrying time. All the time he was taking his medication, and was seeing a psychiatrist. But then a month before the baby was born he started fussing over his wife. He even painted the baby's room. He'd never been so energised and proactive. Everyone was so hopeful he had turned the corner. Even his Dr was pleased. But a few hours after he saw the baby born he suicided. His note said he was not ready to be a father. Such a sad end to a man whose brain was not well, but who could have achieved so much, but for the fact he was bi polar.The little baby girl has thrived. And his widow now has a man who is very kind to her. But it is sad that one day the little girl will find that her father died on the day she was born. Bi polar is a cruel illness. For which there are only drugs to calm it down, but no cure as yet.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (24 November 2010):
 No, I don't think so. Love is not enough to keep a relationship strong, it's not enough to change anybody. You are reluctant to start over again because you invested so much already. I think you feel safe with him knowing that he's dependent on you and would never leave you. That's the only good thing which is a bad thing, making you hold on to it.
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male
reader, ljhenhmla +, writes (24 November 2010):
i just recently go out of a situation like this. and found myself always trying to pick her up finacially, and emotionally and it just became like i was her father. we were going out for 5 years and we had our ups and down i've been married before and she wanted to get married i knew it was not working but me trying to make it work asked her to marry her. i even bought a housein may 2010 for her and her 3 kids to live in. she promised to help pay some of the mortgage but gave nothing i recently found out that she did not pay the light bill since july. You cant keep telling someone what they should know as an adult. and that the same thing that you are going thur. ive also tried to sit her down and talk to her but she just shuts down. if you cant talk to him and get a good feed back then it might be best to move onyou can bring a horse to the water but you can't make him drink. it like they don't care about there future. sometime love is not enough there has to be a balance from both parties. and your not his mommie
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