A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Is there really something extra, something good and wholesome and beyond the shallow things in this world?I don't think so anymore. For the last few years, I've been wondering why I've felt so down. I think I might have figured it out, so I will try to explain as best as I can.When I was younger, everyone always told me how cute of a child I was. I was good at sports, and had lots of friends. Making friends was easy. There was even the occasional girl that had a crush on me.Late in middle school and early in high school, I got whacked in the face by puberty. I still approach people in the same way though, always smiling stupidly, and expecting some kind of instant friendship, but it's not the same anymore. It's weird because I meet old relatives or friends I knew when i was younger, who used to really like me and smile all the time when they saw me and pat my head or call me by some friendly name.They now act very quiet and different around me. It's like they are spooked or something. Inside my head I'm screaming, "I'm the same kid you used to know, just be the same way you used to be around me", but it's always the same awkward atmosphere. While they may not say anything, their uncomfortable actions say a lot about how they feel around me now. Making friends is harder now too.The truth is, even though I feel like exactly the same person on the inside, I'm a hell of a lot uglier on the outside, and I've really noticed how much it affects the way people, adults and kids, are around me. I haven't had a girlfriend for years.I'm not an extremely ugly person though. I'm actually pretty average. I know I don't look good though, and it really hurts. I don't believe anyone should have to go through this. When I see someone who's ugly like me, or I think about all the friendly people in this world who just want to be loved and respected, but cannot, it always makes me cry. When I was religious (stopped being recently), I would pray every night to god asking him to please erase me from the world. I don't believe in suicide, because I don't want to hurt family members, I just wish I could have never existed.I'm tired of being so sad all the time. I don't want to have kids because I think it's cruel to make people suffer, and even though I'm so blessed, I still am so heavy-hearted. I don't believe it's right to force someone to exist in this world. My question is, would life be any better if I was beautiful? My brothers were never as sad as me. I'm always reminded of Oscar Wilde's quote though, "In life there are only two tragedies: the first is not getting what you want, and the second is getting what you want."I apologize in advance if any of this sounds cheesy or weird. I'm not the best writer, so sometimes the things I say sound really stupid. These are just some things I really want to discuss with people. I sometimes believe that happiness in life comes from "shallow" success. For example, if I looked better, then I could have more friends and maybe a girlfriend, and then maybe I could fall in love.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2008): I think you are assuming that men and women value the same traits in the opposite sex. Men place a much higher value on youth and beauty because nature has wired them to feel good when they look at beautiful women. Women place a higher value on power and status as it is natures way of ensuring that a woman will look for someone who can support her and her offspring. Hence, you see the model dating the old millionaire.However, this is people at their most shallow. Women will usually weigh up the whole package before showing an interest in someone. Myself and most women like a man who is confident, makes you laugh, makes you feel a bit special, discreet about ogling at the opposite sex and because we're not turned on so much by the male body, we're happy to go for someone with average looks but who treats us with respect. Women are far more turned on by what they hear and touch and relationship. If a man can treat a women as if she is the only women in the world, he will never be short of a date regardless of how he looks. It's a more bigger advantage for a woman to be attractive than for a man.I think the issue here isn't so much related to your appearance but more to do with your state of mind. I think you could be suffering from low mood and low self esteem as these two things are interrelated. People with low self esteem and low mood tend to obsess about apprearance and because they see everything in a negative light they are very often wrong in their judgement of themselves.My advice to you is to work on your self esteem and low mood (eg good food, exercise, hobbies and possibly hypnotherapy or cognitive behavioural therapy). When you feel better about yourself and start talking to yourself in a more positive way, you'll find that people will be more attracted to you. Try it and see. Best Wishes
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2008): We're all stuck with ourselfs, there's no point getting depressed. Like you said, your average. Which is perfectly good! If you approached girls more I'm sure you would get a g/f.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2008): Beautiful people definitely do get it much easier.
We're not supposed to believe this. But every piece of research comes to this conclusion.
I think the extremes have it worse than the middle at both ends. Sometimes looking PERFECT can cause more trouble than looking just above-average. And looking very ugly is definitely way worse than looking mediocre.
I once saw a study saying that better looking people didn't usually get much more success over their whole lives. But they usually got success several years earlier than ugly people with the same skills.
But to the guy asking the question, how do you go from so cute to so ugly because of puberty? This doesn't usually change in a major way unless there's some new big specific problem. Like if puberty suddenly gave you bad acne or made you really fat or something.
If that's what has happened to you, realize that these things can change. Even if you can't find a solution right now, sometimes a real workable treatment can emerge a few years into the future right when you lease expect it.
I speak from experience on this. I spent my teens with personal appearance problems that were totally unfixable at the time for me. Years later I have totally beaten them all.
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A
female
reader, sue88 +, writes (22 June 2008):
you cant say you wish you never existed. remember, everyone is put on this earth for a reason and to serve a purpose.
growing up i was ugly. i was, i too found it really hard to make friends and have a life, i then left school got a job, lost the weight put a bit colour on my cheeks and made an effort for MYSELF no one else just lil ole me. believe me i have my bad ugly days and plenty of them, but you do get looked at differently. really i am no better than you just as you are no better than me, we are all equals in this world and the sooner people realise that the better this world would be.
you say you don't want to have kids because its cruel to make people suffer. honestly with the way your talking you sound like such a lovely and polite young man i think you'd make a great dad.
you may say your ugly but on the inside you sound lovely and after all that IS what counts and if someone has the brains to say yeah it is whats inside that counts then maybe you might just have found the right person.
good luck and dont end the journey before its even begun
sue
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2008): As an average-looking girl myself, I understand where you're coming from. On the other hand, I've found those same average looks to be a pretty good way of weeding out shallow people. If a girl only loves you for what you look like, is she really someone you want to be with? Remember, your life has a greater purpose than being someone else's arm candy.
Remember also that the "beautiful" people may be able to skate by on looks now, but what's charming in a lovely twentysomething will be far less so as the person ages. Everyone's going to be old and ugly one day, but the average Joes will be old, ugly, and interesting because we've actually had to cultivate a personality in order to be socially successful. In the meantime, find other ways of boosting your self-esteem--sports, hobbies, and/or a career path that interests you :)
Hope this helps
x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2008): I feel sorry for you. While what you're feeling is common, I think you should go to therapy. It isn't healthy that you wish you never existed. You're here for a reason that you have yet to discover; you're young, and we're all here for a yet to discover reason.I understand as I've wondered that myself a lot of times too. I'm average looking, not ugly but definitely not pretty. I wonder if the grass is greener on the other side. But everything has pros and cons.Often beautiful people complain that they're not taken seriously, that people never care to see beyond their looks and meet who they're on the inside, or even sometimes they say they rely so much on their looks that when they age, it's over for them. And believe me, beautiful people suffer too, be it heartache or some disease, or depression. You're young, going through puberty and a lot of changes. People are often easier on kids. Kids are well, really cute, most of them are. I remember being such a talkative kid back in the day. Today, at 19, I'm your typical shy girl. People often see me as introverted at fisr sight, but after they've known me a little more, they usually comment "You're such a wonderful girl... you look so quiet, who would've known?".The thing is, sometimes pretty people have it easier when people approach them, but it's not entirely truth. And people tend to judge prettier people more on their looks, they kind of have higher expectations with them as people, that they most of the time fail to live up to. I'm sorry you're feeling this way, I was lonely for 17 years, no guy ever approached me until I was almost 18, and when he did, it was worth the wait. We've been together since. Patience is such a great gift, because when the reward comes, the wait pays off. In the meantime, you can use this time to improve your wonderful self, you sound like a very nice, mature young man. Don't worry about looks, honestly, I've seen some ugly guys get all the friends and the girls, while some handsome ones are reserved and have little friends and no girlfriend. This is also a fact of life. You know your strenghts as an individual, a unique individual, so use them to your advantage.Good luck my friend.
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