A
male
age
51-59,
*uman_male
writes:I met someone really cool on Saturday. I belong to a sci fi enthusiasts group on a activities website. We went to see Gravity on Saturday. It was only my second meetup with them and I had noticed one of the women there. We ended up sitting next to each other in the theatre and we were chatting about stuff and I thought we really clicked. That was the first time we had spoken.She was with a guy whom she introduced as her partner (as opposed to her date) who was very nice. But a fortnight ago when we went to see Riddick she was with someone else, so I don't know if it's serious.Anyway, the next day she sent a little "it was nice to see you" post through the website (not a personal email, you just click on the picture of someone who was there and say it was nice to see you), but I don't know if that means anything she might have sent one to everyone.I respect that she has a boyfriend at the moment, and I wouldn't want to do anything inappropriate, but it's very rare when I connect with someone like that so I was wondering what I could do just to get to know her better. I was thinking I could send her a quick email to say it was nice to meet her. We were talking about Game of Thrones, which she hasn't read and I could offer to loan her the books or something.What do you reckon? Would she find that too pushy? Or would it be ok? Or should I just leave well enough alone? I want to get to know her better, and if anything happened in the future obviously that would be great. Is that wrong? Is it wrong to want to be someone's friend in the hopes it will lead to something more?Thanks.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2013): Getting to know a woman as a friend and hoping it will lead to more is not wrong.
But it rarely ever works.
In general women function differently when it comes to friends and lovers than men do. They put you in a friend or lover/potential lover category early in the relationship. Once you are in the "Friend Zone" it is very difficult to get out of it.
Odds are that if you get to know a woman as a friend, you will eventually be counseling her about her love life. The life where she goes out with other guys that she barely knows, they don't treat her as well as you, and she still sleeps with them but "just doesn't feel that way" about you.
A
female
reader, malvern  +, writes (8 October 2013):
 Yes,loan her some books and send her a quick email, there's nothing wrong in that and I'm sure she'll be thrilled to bits. Just continue your friendship with her and be observant. During the course of time you should be able to judge whether her boyfriend is permanent, or whether the relationship has run its course. Simply by being friends with her you may slowly win her over, you just have to be patient. If she starts to respond to you and shows a lot of interest that is the time to 'make your move' by suggesting perhaps you go for a drink somewhere, go to see a film etc. Watch out for her body language too ie; standing, sitting closer to you than normal, tilting her head towards you when talking etc. However, it may just be that she's a very friendly person and is trying to make you feel welcome as a newcomer. Only you can be the judge of that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 October 2013):
 I don't think it's "wrong" to like this lady and want to see if more happens, but I would not ASSUME that she is single til you actually know her better.
Letting her borrow your books are a nice thing to do you could have a tag or put your name & number on the inside she she can call you when she is done in case she doesn't bring them to one of the movies.
But RELAX enjoy meeting all these new people.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (8 October 2013):
You're asking if offering to loan her a book is too pushy? I'm going to take a guess and say that you don't date a lot. The reason I say that is because if you think that might be too pushy, what would you say asking a girl out on a date is? Rape?
Being her friend is really only going to amount to being her friend. If you want to be more than friends you'll have to ask her out pretty soon (not to a movie), maybe after flirting a little and seeing how that goes. It's her choice whether or not she accepts, but you shouldn't say no for her.
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