A
male
age
26-29,
*am Wilson
writes:Hello Aunt's and Uncle,I havent been on the site for a long time, and for a long time I thought I was content. Its been 2 years or maybe even more since I broke up with my Long Term College Girlfriend, I dated a bit after but havent found a girlfriend since.Its pathethic, but I really don't know if its me being picky, or me being hung up on X all these years. Ive seen a few girls a few months after I decided I want to date, and honestly I was having fun again, and I liked it amd it was empowering. But honestly and sorry for this I don't know if this is offensive to women but I honestly believe I as a human being can do better than the women Ive seen back then, and well I just kinda gave up on it after a few months or so. I believe that my future girlfriend should be someone I can talk to for hours with, I believe she has to understand my reference and get my humor. I think as a man I deserve that.Its sad and pathethic and a bit selfish but I really consider myself a romantic still after saying all those superficial crap, in highschool I found The One, and we were to young and broke up, at College I found The Next One....and timing kinda screwed our chances. I know its really bad to backslide to even considering exes when you date and its not that Im even conparing....I guess Im asking is it wrong to want something specific? Right now yes I think I deserve to be alone, Im picky, a bit pretentious and yes to a degree superficial. Its just that Im in a great spot in my life and all being 25, having a solid job, awesome friends, and all too perfect family...that I kinda want her to fit this picture perfect vision Ive been planning since well high schhol. I feel guilty that I feel being single kinda ruins this because life is really being good and its a bit shallow with all thats going on with the world to think what Im feeling now is top priority but I just couldn't help it anymore. I feel like Im a bit ranting this point and I dont even know what to title this, but yeah I kinda want to hear some opinions. I dont want to say Im in a bad place right now but... being alone this quarantine period kinda pit me in a crisis of faith lately. When you take away friends, the nighouts, the chillin, I feel a bit empty as of late. I really thought I could handle being single a few years after I gave up on dating again... But I guess it bothered me more than I initially thought. Sorry for the long meandering post.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 April 2020):
 Eh Sam, sometime we all ruminate with our thoughts. It happens. Don't beat yourself up.
Chin up.
A
male
reader, Sam Wilson +, writes (16 April 2020):
Sam Wilson is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you everyone, Im sorry for reacting a bit late, and I thank you all for the words. Honestly isolation put me in a bad place recently, kinda like exposing the wizard behind the curtain... Without all the distractions of life all I could see was one fact, I was spending me days alone.I wish I could say that I had a bit too much to drink but I didnt, I had breakdown and reading what I previously wrote was a bit embarassing. Site mainstays FatherlyAdvice, HoneyPie, N91, WiseOwlE... thank you I always take your word to heart. Thank you, maybe after all of this is over I'll try dating again holding nothing back, I deserve nothing, and everything I get is a product hardwork especially relationships; maybe I need to work on things more, myself included, and not expect things to turn out perfectly.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2020): I was in a situation similar to you a few years ago. I too got out of a long term relationship and started dating after a couple months. Dated a few girls that I really liked to begin with. But after a month or so my feelings would change and I would be put off by them, couldn’t form connections with them, saw many red flags. I’d end up leaving them. I ended up repulsed by them. I did this with a few girls. I got fed up in the end as I wasn’t finding my perfect girl, so I gave up and stoped dating for about 2 years. But I’m those years I realised something. There was nothing wrong with these girls I dated. It was all me. I was finally truthful with myself and I realised I wasn’t over my ex when I was seein these girls. I was in denial because I thought that after 2 years I still couldn’t possibly be hung up on her. But I was wrong. Without realising I compared every girl to my ex (even though I left her). Even the things I hated about my ex I wanted in my new partner because I was subconsciously trying to recreate her. I was the reason I didn’t have any connections to these woman not them. I held back. And those red flags I saw in them I realise now we’re not red flags at all. They are something my mind wanted to see. I was being stupidly picky because I wasn’t ready. These were all perfectly good women. The first girl I was dating after my ex was my friend for a long time before we were dating. We always had such an amazing connection and could talk for hours. I really liked her. Then when we started dating, I was so awkward and so uncomfortable that that connection we had disappeared. For ages I blamed her. It was all her fault and she just wasn’t the one for me. Funny thing is after two years of being single I bumped into her. And the connection we had back then was back and better then ever. Because I was over my ex. We just got married last year. My point is No person is perfect. I thought my ex was perfect because I loved her, and every girl I met after her I subconsciously compared to her. I didn’t want to admit it. If they weren’t like her then I’d loose interest. But it was all me holding myself back because I wasn’t ready and maybe neither are you.But not every girl you date is going to be right for you. More not than so. But if you are having the same problem with lots of girls then maybe you need to re-evaluate yourself and want you need right now. There’s no harmIn spending some time being single if you think your life is perfect then maybe your just not ready.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2020): You're 25, and quite typical of most of us at your age. Regardless of gender! Everyone has this prototype we concoct in our vivid young-imaginations of the perfect-mate. We custom-design and construct a Frankenstein's-manifestation of someone from a list of idealistic-criteria that will be difficult, if not impossible, for any natural living-creature to ever be born to match. We also ruminate over our former/ex love-fixations we thought were our first-loves. Unable to playback an accurate recollection of what really played-out in our "first-love" stories; we romanticize something more from a teen-romance novel, than what actually occurred. It's okay, it's pretty common; more so than any of us would care to admit.
In my opinion, it's very healthy to have an idea of what you're looking for in a romantic-partner, or spouse; but time, maturity, change in tastes, and reality will fine-tune/refine your standards and expectations. It's also good to have a healthy self-esteem; and feel you need and deserve a mate you'd consider to be the most appropriate match.
You first have to have an accurate assessment of who you really are, what kind of personality you are actually able to handle in a mate; and whether you actually fit the kind of person you "think" is your perfect-choice. Nobody really knows that until they've experienced life, matured somewhat, and shared reasonable-time in a relationship with various personality-types. If you've only dated a certain "type" consistent with your standards; you may be totally overlooking or bypassing your true-match. Time changes you. The kind of lady you're compatible with now, won't necessarily be the right match for you later.
Nowadays, young-men are heavily influenced by porn, social media, the entertainment-industry, and pop-culture. If by-chance you venture into a club, you'll see all the young and single solo-guys gravitating towards the basic cookie-cutter standard of female body-type and appearance. The ladies with real personality, a normal/average body-type, but just as cute and fun; might be the girl ignored in a group of skinny-girls. The kind cloned to look like the self-promoted glamorized internet-models. Heavily made-up, scantily-dressed, and able to drink a six-foot-two 185-pound marine under the table. Who really cares about personality?
Hold-up, and don't get it twisted! I'm not even trying to imply that exceptionally-pretty ladies are phony or superficial; but they get an unfair advantage, based solely on their appearance. If a hot-chick invited a guy she met online to meet her in a deserted field, behind the airport, on a dark and gloomy night...how many guys would still go? Could a gorgeous-woman actually hack you up in little bits? Who wants to be the fool to find-out? The pic online might only be bait; but there will be lots of hits on that profile!
Character-standards tend to be more relaxed for personality; if she has a hefty bust, slender-body, and makes for good arm-candy. If you don't allow yourself to checkout attractive-women on the normal-spectrum of good-looks, and measuring on the higher-scale in personality and commonsense; you might discover that they don't fit the tough beauty-industry standards of appearance. Hence, your youth is spent chasing shallow wannabe super-models, glam-girls, and beauty-queens. Like nice-guys finish last, nice-girls get overlooked; if they don't fit the blonde,blue-eyed,skinny/big-boobed standard of Caucasian beauty! Challenge your phony-tastes, and expand your limited perceptions of women. Maybe the right-woman doesn't want you to bend her ear for hours. Make sure your humor is funny! It's not her fault if it isn't! It's not that she doesn't get your humor; maybe it's not as funny as you think it is! Exes are exes for a reason. Grow-up and move on!
By today's standards, it's mainly a search for those who please the eye; but lesser consideration for those who could capture the heart and mind. It could be unfortunate, if you should find anyone who completely checks-off all the boxes; because if you did, you may not be the one who checks-off all their boxes! Finding someone attractive isn't usually the problem, finding someone you can love and form a durable relationship with...that is the real challenge. I've found that when you speak in these terms; people always assume the extremes. Like you're advocating for the "fugly-uglies;" proclaiming the false-assertion that unattractive-people are the only people who have a good-personality. Like all attractive-people are vain and shallow. If you drew that conclusion from what I'm saying here, you're way off the mark; or just spoiling for a fight! I say what I mean, and mean what I say!
How about attractive "average-people?" Those with genuine-personalities, realness, and have a kind and loving-heart beating in their chest cavities? Looks will fade, some lose them while in their 30s! I'm just saying! Search for more than what your eyes can see! Think above the waist. Think like a man, not a boy!
You are young, so you can be shallow for now. Not too much longer! Then the time will come when you'll have to grow-up and man-up. See beneath the surface, by having the judgement to discern good-character. You'll also have to have something good to offer of equal-value, in-return for what you're expecting from somebody else. Give as good as you're getting! Uneven love-connections between people always fail! You can't fake-it!
I had to learn to be open-minded, readjust my own self-assessment, not be afraid to date people of different races, or nationalities; and explore a wide-range in physical-appearances. Twice I've hit the jackpot! One died of cancer after a happy long-term relationship. I've found another, after experiencing a series of disappointments and heartbreaks. I'm sitting-pretty, and found real-love with a match I never imagined I'd ever find again. I don't regret the disappointments or heartbreaks; because they've refined my taste, adjusted my prejudices, and made me wiser. Thus, I can advise young-men and young-women looking for what I've been blessed to have found, not once... but TWICE!!!
Be flexible. Avoid searching for the holy grail, an imaginary-prototype. Skip unrealistic-representations of femininity created by the internet; or pop-culture derived cartoonish female-types. Be open and receptive to inner-beauty; as well as what you can easily see on the surface. Don't obsess on certain physical-attributes; but date using discernment and fairness. Picky is good, if you're not the pot calling the kettle. Make sure when setting standards of what you want in a mate; that you reciprocate all the best features and attributes you expect in someone else. That is, if you want to build a lasting and fulfilling relationship. It may take a long-time, so continue to date for fun. It may be totally by accident that you find each-other. You don't always meet the kind of people you seek; but you may find the person who captures your heart. You don't only get to set high-standards, you also have to meet them!
You might be surprised that the one you truly fall in-love with, is nothing like the person you thought would be perfect for you. That's the reality of love and life. The feeling of emptiness is a sign that you need to work on yourself; before you set the standards for what you're looking for in other people. That comes with maturity, self-improvement, and open-mindedness.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2020): Hi
Having been around a long time I feel qualified to say that when you eventually fall in love, any lists of 'things' you might have wanted, any preconceived ideas about who your girlfriend is going to be and what she's going to look like, will all go out the window.
None of those things will matter anymore. Of course you're entitled to want someone with whom you can talk for hours, someone who shares the same values and goals as you and often, yes, a similar background smooths the way. I don't think there is such a thing as being 'too picky'. It amazes me when I hear people talking about being too picky. You're talking about the person that you hope to spend the rest of your life with! Nothing wrong with taking your time and finding the right one. You cant be too picky!
I would have preferred your post though, if you'd said, "As a human being, I think I deserve that," and not, "As a man I think I deserve that."
Does that say something about you? Something to ponder on perhaps.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 April 2020):
Sometimes you need to "fine-tune" your standards. What you wanted in high-school from GF might not be what you want/need now at 25.
Figure out what it is you want in a partner AND what you have to offer.
Look over the "list" of what you want in a partner and then be critical and be realistic. What you don't want is a clone of an ex. Because it's NOT realistic. Nor is the "perfect girl" notion. I think there is NOTHING wrong with preferences. But there are times they work against us. Just remember having a long long laundry list of what you want/expect/need of a partner might not be fully realistic JUST as you might not fulfill their entire list either. Which parts are important to you and what a "fluff".
And I fully agree with FA, whom you pick to marry MATTERS. Especially if you plan on marrying once and make it last.
Also, as you probably know, you CAN NOT expect a partner to be your main source of happiness. You HAVE to find that within. A partner is an "added bonus" but also "added work".
For many this quarantine is a time to reflect and perhaps do a little self-improvements too. For others (whose who are very social) it's rough.
One piece of advice I have ALWAYS loved, is when you meet someone and first start dating, BE aware how their relationship is with their mother/father. I find people that have HEALTHY relationship with parents overall seem a healthier choice. Especially if you yourself come from a healthy family background.
Another thing is BE OK with being single. I think it's definitely preferable to be dating the "wrong" people.
Since dating (at the moment) is kind of out the window, self improvement and self-bettering is a good thing to focus on.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (13 April 2020):
 Why would you think there is something wrong with this?
You date people to meet your life partner, you want someone that you’re completely compatible with and want to spend your life with. Surely you WOULD be doing EVERYTHING you can to find the correct person therefore wanting specific qualities and characteristics from a person is necessary. If you pick someone that doesn’t have the qualities that you want then it’s not going to last is it?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (13 April 2020):
 I fail to see anything wrong in wanting the best for yourself - including a partner who "gets" you and fits in with the family you love. Why would you settle for anything less, especially when you have a lovely family and, presumably, a mother and father who are well suited.
All I would say is though, make sure YOU are the best YOU can be because, when you meet the right woman, she will probably want the best for herself as well.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (13 April 2020):
 So, Why is it that you are dating people that you aren't compatible with? is your picker broken? Are you meeting people at the wrong kind of place? Are you attracting the wrong type? is there something about your appearance that says hey I like shallow arm candy that can't get me?
Honestly i don't see a problem with your reasons for dropping your previous dates. Sure you might be too picky but you aren't ready to settle now so you have time to learn.
I'm going to suggest a bit of reading for you on the topic of emotional needs. It should help you solidify your relationship goals. You will hopefully learn that no one will ever hit all of your needs, but being able to sort out what is truly important will help. There is a rather old book called His Needs, Her Needs that really covers this well. the problem is it looks at it from the position of trying to save an existing relationship. You will need to adjust a bit.
Also when you read or listen to it do the worksheets, you can get them online, they keep you from focusing on what you are missing most right now, instead of what you really need. Also they will help you plan more effective dates.
As a final note, I've been married longer than you've been alive. From my point of view there is no more important decision in your life right now than who you marry. Don't rush it. Get it right.
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