A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my girlfriend for 3 years, she's the only girl I've ever been with and I love her, everything is perfect but there is one thing she won't do for me. She won't finish me off with a blow-job ever. I'm not even asking her to swallow it, I just really would like to get a proper BJ rather just a bit of sucking for a minute or 2. She does it for a minute and always keeps asking if I want to have sex.I'd do anything for her, you probably all think I'm a perv but is it so wrong to just want this one thing? I love her and want to be with her so I don't want to get it elsewhere, but I just want to have this at least once in my life.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2012): Sex does not always feel as great for women as for men so you are asking for more pleasure from her for yourself than she is actually getting. Sex is not always an equal deal for men and women. Sex feels better for men generally because you aren't as complex as her body. She might be more willing if you actually take some time to explore what she likes. Don't expect it to be all "I've given you oral sex so now you have to give me a bj". It doesn't work like that. You are sounding very selfish sexually and it doesn't sound as though you care about her enough to understand that she does not want to give you a blow job. Is it not enough that she is ketting you have sex with her? Respect the fact that she doesn't want to do it before forcing your specimen in her mouth. Just because you do it for her doesn't entitle her to do it for you. Relationships are about sacrifices. It you love her you won't force her to do this. I'd have left you a long time ago.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2012): When I was younger I too hated giving bjs, its not a happy place for a lot of women. It can be hairy and stinky and taste bad. As for getting her to do a "Proper" job, you are out of luck. It's pretty obvious she's just not into it and you can't force it. I didn't start giving BJs until I decided I wanted to, now I Love it. The more I do it the more I want to. Yep I've been having sex for 17 years and only giving/enjoying giving blow jobs for the last year. I've been married 9 years. Guess you could try the being patient and sweet BF. Maybe in 14 years she'll decide she likes it, people can change.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo very confused I love giving her oral, not because of the taste or to get a blowjob, I do it because I see how much it turns her on and how much she enjoys it, when we first got together she didn't give me blowjobs at all and we did talk about it, then she eventually started doing it, she told me straight that she didn't want me to cum in her mouth and I said that was fine, I said I would tell her when I'm goin too so she could take it out, but we have never got this far because she only does it for 2 mins. She can tell how much I like it so I don't no why she doesn't get the same buzz out of pleasuring me as I do her. I no its childish to bring up that she let her exes cum in her mouth, but it has left me a bit bitter. I'm not trying to be a brat, but If she's not enjoying it then it's hard for me too, so I'd rather not have it anymore, even though I'd feel I was missing out.
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female
reader, person12345  +, writes (12 October 2012):
 The important thing here is that she has decided what she will do and what she won't and that is her boundary, which you need to respect. She doesn't like giving blow jobs, but that is something she is willing to do it to make you happy. She doesn't like having you finish in her mouth and she is not willing to do it to make you happy. She has found her line of acceptable versus not.
We all do things for our partners that we aren't nuts about to make them happy, but there is a fine line between something we're just kind of "meh" about versus actively disliking. I'm assuming you get no physical pleasure when you give her oral sex, but don't actively hate/dislike doing it. I'm also guessing that if her orgasm ended with her peeing straight into your mouth, it wouldn't be something you would be crazy about finishing.
This isn't something she owes you because you've put three years into the relationship. You're thinking about this wrong. What she did with other guys is irrelevant here. She did it with them, which is why she knows she doesn't want to do it again. She clearly hated it with them, it will be physically the same thing with you. It is a little disturbing too that you could know she will be miserable/hate it and still get physical pleasure out of it.
Oral sex for men and women is a bit different as well, since what you are asking for is variety. You can orgasm through many different methods. For most women oral sex is the primary way they orgasm from sex, it's not variety, it's the main thing. So tit for tat doesn't really apply here, not to mention it's just a bad reason to do something. If men and women wanted to really even it out tit for tat men would have to skip a lot of sex and orgasms, since for most women sex is not an orgasmic amazing sensation physically. You don't want to start down that road with her, do you?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 October 2012):
 I doubt she actually "likes" it- she would not stop if she did. I think what she means, and does not spell clearly out to...spare your feelings, is that she does not totally hate it, and she can handle doing a perfunctory bare minimum ,in order to please you. In her mind, she is giving you something you like...and avoiding herself the hassle of a full service.
Also, maybe she feels she HAS to reciprocate your oral attentions- but she tries to get away with the bare minimum. Let's say it's like if your friend invites you home for a lavish, scrumptous , 4 courses home cooked dinner- you know that sooner or later you are supposed to reciprocate, but don't feel like going through all that trouble - so you take him out for pizza , instead, and figure that if you are not exactly even Steven, at least you DID do something for them.
You guys maybe are a bit too delicate,too polite to each other - you want to spare her feelings, she wants to spare yours.... communication instead is the main key for sexual harmony.
Personally , I don't see what's the big deal in telling her " Darling, I can perfectly live without blowjobs, if you aren't much into giving oral- but, if you DO want to give me oral, then I'd really prefer that you'd finish what you have started " Then, the choice is hers.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 October 2012):
 You have been with this woman for three years… sparing her feelings is not the key. COMMUNICATION is the key.
Saying “I’m going to tell her straight not to do it any more” when you know that’s not what you want is much like taking your toys and going home… you’re acting like a spoiled child because you don’t want to talk about the problem with HER. You are avoiding the issue.
You came here expecting some magical way for us to tell you how to get her to do something she clearly does not want to do. I have given you several suggestions on what to say to her to try to resolve this issue. TELLING her not to do it won’t fix it, she will still give you the 1-2 minutes of sucking that you dislike… because she’s trying to please you… by NOT talking to her about it, you will be making the problem worse…
You say “it's not enjoyable when she's acting like its a chore, especially when I go down on her all the time.” So here’s a question, do you enjoy going down on her? Why do you go down on her? Do you go down on her to get her to give you blow jobs? That’s a lousy reason. I give my husband blow jobs because I WANT to. I do not expect him to give me oral sex because of it and he does not. He abhors cunnilingus and will not do it. It’s a situation that I have to accept. And I do. On the other hand when we started dating he was up front about saying “if you don’t give blow jobs it will not work out” SO he knows what’s required for him….
NOT talking about the elephant in the room will not make it go away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm going to tell her straight not to do it any more.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've told her that if she doesn't like it then not to do it, she says she likes it so what am I supposed to do, I don't think I'm asking for much after 3 years, I don't say these things that you're suggesting to spare her feelings. She's done it for her previous boyfriends so it makes me feel a bit shit that she won't do it for me, it's not enjoyable when she's acting like its a chore, especially when I go down on her all the time.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 October 2012):
IF YOU KNOW she does not like it why do you let her do it?
IF YOU KNOW she does not like it then WHY do you keep hoping you will get a “proper” blow job.
Would you want her to eat something she did not like to eat? Would you let her eat something that makes her gag just to please you? Then WHY do you let her do this?
I am very confused....
you say "I want a proper blow job" in one breath and in the next you say "but I know she doesn't like doing it"
so explain to me why YOU WANT HER TO DO SOMETHING SHE DOES NOT LIKE.
IF you are ok with her NOT doing it and the fact that she does it for a minute or two is just a tease then don't let her tease you with it.
tell her this:
"darling I love you and I adore blow jobs and I would really like a "proper blow job" (hate that term) and when you give me a "tease" of a minute or two all it does is frustrate me so here's the deal... I do NOT want a minute of two of you pretending to like it... so we won't be having oral sex any more"
then don't do it.
and if you don't like going down on her, then don't.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm normal size so I don't think that's an issue, I don't push her head down or try and make her do it deep, I no she doesn't like it, I told her if she doesn't like then it's ok she doesnt have to do it but she insists she likes it, i dont want to tell her to give me a proper blowjob because i no shes trying just to please me by doing something she doesnt like. and I don't give to recieve, the first 6 months I was with her I would go down on her everytime before she finally gave me some head,
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 October 2012):
Have you asked her why if she likes doing it she is always asking if she can stop. Have you TOLD HER YOU WANT MORE? When she stops and asks can we have sex now do you say YES… next time say NO I WANT A PROPER BLOW JOB… and tell me what happens.
She doesn’t like it… she’s lying. Trust me she’s lying.. I mean I can go 15-20 minutes and then I’ve had enough. If you tell her how good it feels and she rolls her eyes like it’s a chore then it’s A CHORE FOR HER.
Do you go down on her so she will go down on you? Because that’s a lousy reason…
Is your penis long and/or thick… it may be very hard for her if you are….
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI did ask her if she likes it and she says she does, but I feel like she doesn't, And it's not much fun for me when I'm trying to enjoy it and she's asking after a minute if I've had enough, I don't want to hurt her feelings, and I give her oral often until she cums, and she loves it, I just feel after 3 years maybe it would be nice to have a blowjob from start to finish just once. And so very confused, if for 3 years your boyfriend went down on you and stopped everytime just as you were gettin into it I'm sure you would be annoyed too, and daisy I do tell her how good it feels and she sort of rolls her eyes back like its a chore, I even told her if she didn't like giving me head she didn't have to do it anymore, but she insists she likes it, I'd never force her to do anything
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 October 2012):
What magical thing do you think will happen if she finishes you off with a blow job?
I’m going to tell you something right now based just on what you are saying… she’s giving you “a bit of sucking for a minute or two” only because you want it. I am betting she does NOT like giving you bjs at all… and is only doing it to keep you happy and keep the peace.
HAVE YOU asked her if she likes giving you bjs? I’m betting the answer is no… most women I know do not like doing it….
I don’t’ think you are a perv…. Blow jobs feel fantastic…
Is it wrong to want it? NO it’s not wrong… is it wrong to demand it? Yes….
Have you talked to her about it? What does she say?
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (11 October 2012):
Sorry but at this point you need to just respect that she doesn't want to do this. With some men it feels like having hot rotting asparagus launched into the back of your throat. Some women don't mind it, some women enjoy it, but some women hate it. I don't understand why some men fixate so much on getting one particular sex act, almost always some way of finishing with oral or with anal sex, but either way the theme is that the guy places this very specific satisfaction above her feelings.
If you've talked to her and she doesn't want to do it, you need to just let it go.
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (11 October 2012):
 p.s. if you want to 'finish' with the BJ and not have sex, remember to satisfy her either beforehand or straight away afterwards. Giving a BJ and not receiving anything back is not much fun....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2012): It is totally normal. Unfortunately for you, your girl doesn't like to give blowjobs, which is also normal - some do and some don't.
Look, it seems what you have is solid. Make sure she knows how you love her and at some point explain to her that this is your lifelong erotic fantasy.
Two points are important here:
- do not say "I love you" and right after "blow me off". In fact, try to separate this discussion from any love confessions. Instead try to talk about it after sex while both of you are basking in the afterglow
- do not pressure her into it, be sweet and try to look all dreamy
I am sure if she loves you she will give it up for you at least once, maybe as a birthday present ot something. And who knows, afterwards she may even want it again
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (11 October 2012):
When she asks you if you want sex after a minute of the BJ, have you ever said "not just yet, this feels great!" or something similar? You could reassure her that you won't come in her mouth if she doesn't want you to. She won't know that this is what you want unless you tell her!
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