A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Basically, my GF of 2 years cheated on me with a stranger. She denied cheating and lied to my face until I confronted her with circumstantial evidence that eventually made her confess.Although she denies having sexual intercourse, she admitted to receiving and giving oral sex. It really doesn't matter if she is telling the truth at this point, because her actions (both the act and the lies) have severed any semblance or thought of a long term relationship with her. I no longer see her as "wife" material because she degraded herself to be the sexual object of a random stranger, and because she disrespected both me and the relationship. However, I obviously still have feelings for the woman. I was at furious at first because of the betrayal and because she ruined what we had. Any issues in the relationship can be resolved, but once your cross a certain line, there is no point. Eventually, I began to think rationally and radically. I care for her, and although I see no reason to be with her in the long term (marriage), I am content enough - even with her actions and deceit - to continue dating her. Essentially, my viewpoint of the relationship shifted from serious commitment to casual relationship. I enjoy the sex, and the companionship, but I have divorced any thoughts of longevity from the casual relationship.So, my question is: Is it wrong to stay with a woman, even if you do not see long term potential?I suppose a follow on question would be: Given the situation, should I really care if it's right or wrong?I don't intend to treat this woman like trash or anything - I just no longer have long term interest in her, and want to continue to enjoy the other aspects of a casual relationship until I 1. decide to end the relationship, or 2. find a woman suitable to pursuing a serious commitment with. Thanks for the answers.
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female
reader, screennametaken  +, writes (16 October 2012):
Firstly, it is SO refreshing to read something so coherent on this site. Secondly - if I do say so myself - I consider myself a "good woman" and I would never go near a man shagging it out with someone else, no matter what his feelings were and no matter why. There are a couple of things I look for at this age, and of them is that they are completely free of encumberances from exes. I want a real relationship with a man, not with a boy who is scared of being lonely and holding onto an ex who doesn't respect him.She doesn't respect you. I wish I could get it into the heads of all men around here. I don't condone cheating in any way, shape or form, BUT cheating is always much more egregious when it's the woman straying. Men can cheat and still be desperately in love with their wives/girlfriends. They can separate love and the mere physical act of sex. We've all heard this before. But women who cheat are just always going to cheat, and if they do, they did not love you. A woman in love will never cheat. It's different for us, it really is. When we are in love, we bloom and it's the gas that drives us in every little thing we do. We don't cheat if we honestly love you. Get rid of her. Look after yourself. The right one will come along. THAT is the best revenge, even if you're not out to exact revenge on her.
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (16 October 2012):
 "To the commenters saying that a woman worth anything will not touch a man in any sort of relationship/interaction with another woman. I am curious on this one...but I will respect that opinion (since I'm not a woman) and factor it into my decision. I'd hate to lose out on something good because of this."
I mean that many women who are trustworthy and respectful of a relationship will back off immediately if they hear you are in a relationship because they wouldn't want to be the other woman, the rebound, or responsible for wrecking your relationship. Even though in your case it's true, generally a guy who says that the relationship was on the rocks anyways or ending anyways is lying and it starts the relationship out on a bad note. Of course there exceptions, but if you want to start fresh make it totally obstacle-free.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAppreciate the comments. I know many people have personal opinions here and will view any comments contrary to those opinions with suspicion, but I am not here to vent and I am pretty self-aware. So give me the benefit of the doubt with my comments.1st. I know it's hard to believe, but I do not care about revenge - at least not on a conscious level. It's like I said, I've gone through that phase of the grieving process. Right now, I'm over it, and I'm over the relationship. It's not about making her suffer, or making her pay - it's about me and what I want now. I hate what she did, but I don't hate her, because hating her made me feel angry inside all the time. I've separated the two, and I also know I cannot be with her like before. The thought of being with someone who could do that to their partner also made me feel dark inside, so I removed it from the equation Finally, it's not my intention to hurt her, but from the comments, I can acknowledge that there is a strong possibility that I will. And because I don't want to be like her, I will take those comments into consideration.To the commenter(s) saying I'm judgmental for not considering her wife material anymore and that in a casual relationship, she is free to hook up with as many people as she wants. To the first point, it is not, in my opinion, judgmental. A wife/husband should be faithful - she was not. If I did the same, I'd be in that boat, too. To the second point, we were in a committed relationship and she hooked up with another person. I don't think the relationship status matters - she is going to do whatever she is going to do regardless. It's a moot point, IMO.To the commenters saying that a woman worth anything will not touch a man in any sort of relationship/interaction with another woman. I am curious on this one...but I will respect that opinion (since I'm not a woman) and factor it into my decision. I'd hate to lose out on something good because of this.A lot to think about...and I appreciate the responses.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 October 2012):
 You're not over what she did to you. You want to punish her by devaluing and debasing her. Otherwise, you'd leave her and get on with your life. No, you consider her "cheap" after what she did to you, and you want to get back at her by using her. This isn't healthy for you, even if you're honest in telling her that you see no future with her and only want to casually be a Friend with Benefits. She thinks you left a carrot of possibility that she can regain your trust over time. You must tell her that that will *never* be an option here, and you need to be clear about it.
You're forgetting something really huge here in your punishment: You devalue YOURSELF. She can use you, cast you aside, sleep with 100 men while being with you, not care how you think, and when another guy comes along, you're history. That will hurt, no matter how you try and cheapen her in your mind and actions.
This isn't healthy for you. I have no sympathy for her for cheating, but what you want to do is no better, and in the long run, you will never feel the satisfaction of devaluing her. She will move on, and you will have to go through what you're now going through again.
Cut this relationship. That's the best thing for your health. Your best way of "getting back" at her is to move on, find someone else, and put the pain of her cheating behind you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2012): Yes, it is wrong, and yes, you should care if it's right or wrong since you are judgmental enough to deem her no longer wife material. You do realize that if it's a casual relationship then she is now free to date and have oral sex with anyone she wants, right?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 October 2012):
 OP YOU said : “with her - with no direction towards marriage promised.” To me as a woman knowing how I feel about a man I would INTERPRET this to mean that it’s still got potential…. She MAY interpret “no direction towards marriage promised” as giving her the possibility of changing your mind… This is dishonest and hedging your bets…
“She stated that she wanted to gain my trust back, and that she was understood the terms.”
No she does not… to her the terms are that she can earn your trust back and you will forgive her and still potentially marry her… that’s FALSE based on your prior statements.
While YOU are ok with a casual relationship… it sounds like you’ve inadvertently made the possibility of more available. HAVE YOU TOLD HER she’s just a FWB now? IF not, if you are giving her even a GLIMMER of hope that she may be your one and only eventually then you must come totally clean with her. Of course if you do, she will probably leave, which to be honest is probably a better thing for both of you.
I agree that any woman worth her weight in salt is NOT going to want to date a man who is involved in even a casual dating relationship so that if you meet a woman you are interested in you need to end it with the ex girlfriend now fuck buddy… and honey that’s going to be ugly because she’s in a state of denial.
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female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (16 October 2012):
 To answer your central question, yes, what you are doing is morally abhorrent and it makes you no better than her. You are planning on cold-bloodedly using her till you find someone better and then leaving her out cold, thereby extracting revenge. That is morally wrong, and I think you know that too. End the relationship completely. That's the only right thing to do.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (16 October 2012):
Most women who have good long term potential wouldn't touch a man in a relationship with a ten foot pole. Further if you started chatting them up and got them interested, then she found out you had a girlfriend, that would be over before it even started. It would make it worse if you suddenly broke up with your current gf.
What you're doing obviously isn't as bad as what she did, but it's not good. She is in this because she thinks there's hope to repair the relationship and you are feeding that to her. Since there is no hope, you are leading her on even though you told her there was no hope. Just end it.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (16 October 2012):
 I suppose if you don't feel like being alone you could stay until you find someone else and I suspect that is what you are doing subconsciously anyhow. Otherwise I think it's a waste of time to be with her. Although ultimately I suspect you want to extract a little revenge by luring her into a sense of false recovery and then pulling the rug out from under her when you do meet someone else, have an affair and leave her cold. I must admit I would probably do the same, if I could stick it out long enough to execute that plan. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't think there is any reason to justify why I'd be okay with a casual relationship. I'm fine with it. And like I said - I can continue dating her knowing that I have no intention of being with her. I'd equate it to regressing the "relationship" back to the initial stages, minus the whirlwind romance. Furthermore, she and I were with different people prior to getting into a relationship, so her having "been" with someone else during the course of our relationship, while abhorrent, is only an issue if I care about her romantically. And since I no longer harbor a desire to engage in a serious commitment with her, I have no quams "being" with her. As to other women being turned off by my "FWB" status; I don't think it's any of their business per se, who I am casually dating/seeing until we 1. engage in physical intimacy and/or 2. have the status talk. Just like it's none of my business who a new girl is dating/seeing (unless in a relationship/marriage), it, likewise is none of her business.And like I said: if and when I do find someone of interest, I will call the current casual relationship off.I'm not really here to debate semantics or to justify my reasoning. I just wanted to know the answer to my central question(s). While I have disdain for my gf/fwb/whatever she is now's actions, she is still someone I shared 2 years with and a human being. So I want to make sure this decision is not morally abhorrent and not out of the realm of reasonableness. I'm past the anger, blame, shock, whatever stage. It's not my fault she cheated, and there is nothing wrong with me. She is the one who cheated, she has the problems. I just want to make sure I'm not like her by engaging in this casual relationship with the intention of leaving.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2012): Why would you want to even keep her at all? Are you gonna be able to enjoy even casual sex knowing she was with another man? Wouldn't that just ruin even casual sex?
Being in a FWB relationship will also make other women less likely to see you as a potential partner. I think you're really undermining your own chances of finding someone better if you have a FWB arrangement going on. Other women will be put off or else want only FWB from you too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI suppose I should have added this caveat.
I did tell her that I do not see marriage potential in this relationship, and that I do not trust her.
I told her that at this point, I was only willing to be in a casual relationship with her - with no direction towards marriage promised.
She stated that she wanted to gain my trust back, and that she was understood the terms.
Naturally, her lack of "fight" to return to the prior serious direction of the relationship was somewhat telling. I think she was going through that "I'm confused" stage, blah, blah, blah. And perhaps this buys her time to "figure it out."
Needless to say, I do not trust her intentions, nor her, generally.
But as I stated - the physical aspects of the relationship and the companionship are "worth" it (if you will) to be in a casual relationship with her.
I don't intend to cheat on her - but I do intend to keep my eyes open for a woman that understands what a commitment and a relationship is. At which point, I have no reservations in ceasing my casual relationship out of respect for the new woman.
I just wanted people's thoughts on this. I know it seems like the right thing to do is to completely dump her, and I'm wondering if what I am doing is 1. wrong and 2. nonsense.
After all, 1. I have no intention of "taking her back" like it used to be, and will leave her as soon as I find a respectable woman.
And, 2. conventional wisdom says to immediately end all ties to a cheater.
Based on these new insights - thoughts?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 October 2012):
Does *she* know you feel that way? Yes, she did the lowest of the low by cheating on you, and oral sex is still cheating. However, if you see her only as a casual outlet for sex until something better comes along, you better tell her that. Otherwise, you're lying too. Two wrongs do not make a right. You can't tell her you forgive her if that is a lie.
I say cut her loose. Having her in your life inhibits you from finding someone more loyal. She doesn't deserve to have you since she cheated on you, and you don't want to be like her -- a liar.
Tell her you don't see her as relationship material. Tell her you want Friend with Benefits status, but you no longer see a future with her like you used to. If she agrees to that, then fine. But even if she was a dishonest slug doesn't give you the right to be either, and you won't like yourself anyway.
It's time for you to move on. She cheated on you, and if you've decided you can't or are unwilling to get past that, then leave her. Don't use her. Leave her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2012): I think it entirely depends on whether you are honest with her.
If you openly tell her the truth then I see nothing wrong with continuing the relationship the way it is. But I think its wrong for you to continue on letting her believe that you still have long term intentions.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2012): of course there's nothing wrong with wanting only a casual relationship from her and nothing more. BUT, that said, to maintain your moral high-ground you have to make your intentions crystal clear.
You have to tell her plainly that :
(a) she ruined this and any desire you once had for a long term relationship with her. she needs to understand that her actions have consequences.
(b) you are only with her now for a casual no-strings-attached relationship and nothing more. you want no commitment to her at all.
If you don't make (b) explicitly clear and she thinks you've forgiven and overlooked what she did and you're still going to get married, then you are ruining your own reputation by "making" commitments that you don't intend to keep. that would be just a step above what she did to you. You need to be completely upfront with her about exactly where you stand and your level of participation in this relationship.
if she refuses to participate in a casual no-strings-attached relationship with you (despite having already done so with another man) and demands a real relationship or nothing, then you should break up immediately not drag this out just to hurt her back.
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A
female
reader, fireball  +, writes (16 October 2012):
 Well, just as a thought - why not have the chat and both of you lay your cards on the table as to what you both want...
Find out if she's going in a different direction than you. She may want the same thing, you never know.
And than, if she is looking for something different than you have your answer.
Tell her what YOU want out of the relationship, and than if she's not on the same page as you - - - split.
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