A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My Boyfriend and I have been together for a year. Recently we talked about deal breakers. Both of us agreed cheating is a deal breaker. Then I told him if he ever took drugs at a party it'd be a deal breaker for me. I did not know he used to do drugs until sometime into the relationship. I was mad after he confessed to doing recreational drugs but we talked it through. He promised he wouldn't touch drugs at a party too. Anyway he says the deal breaker had made him feel worthless and that my love for him was conditional. To me it isn't the issue about worth. It is whether I can accept it or not, and whether he can keep his promise. If he wants to take drugs at a party and I cannot accept it, then I think it's best we part ways. But he says he loves me a lot to upset me so he would never do drugs if it bothered me. At the end of the day, he still feels like my love for him is conditional and he said besides loyalty he would never have other deal breakers. I feel like it's apples and oranges here. Is it wrong to have deal breakers in relationships?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2015): If your deal-breaker is popular then people will say its a sign of your self love and good sense and all that.If your deal-breaker is not popular then others will say it shows how intolerant and judgmental you are.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 November 2015):
 Nice try , boyfriend, but..no cigar. Hehe.
His very transparent intent is to guily-trip you, by specious, wolly argumentations, into accepting and condoning his future use of recreational drugs ( btw, I am a bit surprised too ,though, by the way your deal breaker is formulated : " using drugs at parties ". Why, ? if he does crystal meth all alone in his bedroon , would that be BETTER than,say, having a toke from a joint passed around at a party ?! ).
But it's bullshit. He has dealbreakers too, so, by his own resoning, HIS love too is far from unconditional. If you cheated on him, he'd break up with you. Fine, but , that's his unilateral decision that being a cheater is worse and less acceptable than being a drug user or, worse, a drug addict. Not everybody feels the same. For instance, if I was forced to choose (... threatened at gun point , I guess.. ) if dating a notorious womanizer or a notorious crackhead, I would choose the womanizer instantly !
I am not saying that I must be right,- just that everybody, including him , have deal breakers and he can't say that HIS deal breaker is more important than yours as the ONLY thing which should break up a couple. That's his personal preference, not some universal law ; and you could easily reverse his argumentation : if HE loved you unconditionally , he should forgive and forget any possible act of disloyalty from you , right ?
The fact is that love may also be inconditional- but human relationship aren't. In fact, they cannot exist outside certain social, cultural, psychological parameters which we have the RIGHT to abide by if we want. And if people are too far out of your parameters, some times you will have to choose to love them, but... in your heart, from a safe distance.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (10 November 2015):
 Actually, there *must* be dealbreakers even more than just cheating! And he has them, no matter what he says to you.
Some people don't know what their dealbreakers are until they're confronted with them (i.e. a guy who texts constantly with others while on a date with you). Those boundaries aren't ultimatums. They're your code. Some people can get too nitpicky with them as a defense mechanism of fear (i.e. can't date someone with an eye color the same as one's ex).
I'm interested that you pulled such a SPECIFIC dealbreaker. I'm wondering if that's a baggage related one, like having a drunkard or a drug abuser for an ex who did that and cheated on you? Many people say "A guy who smokes is a dealbreaker" or "I don't believe in alcohol, so guys who drink are dealbreakers". Not usually "He can't do drugs at a party" as if using smack in the garage is okay!
In your boyfriend's case, what you said scared him. He might fail you because he's an ex-addict afraid of relapse. Now he knows that you'll drop him like a ton of bricks if he does, and it bothers him. Now, you have to make a decision about being with a guy where the risk of triggering your dealbreaker is a temptation to him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 November 2015):
 Having deal-breakers is NOT about how much you love someone else, but how much you LOVE yourself.
We ALL have limits, boundaries and deal-breakers. That is part of life.
What he is saying that that you should just SUCK it up and let him do as he pleases... Doesn't that say more about how much HE loves you?
I have a few deal-breakers, so does my husbands. Thankfully we both agree on them. But not all couples do agree. Some are OK with things they consider minor, others are not. Doesn't mean YOU have to change how you feel about (in this case) drugs.
I think he is more butt-hurt about you not thinking doing drugs occasionally is "cool" then the whole "conditional" love.
And I'm sorry, I don't think love is entirely unconditional all the time. And I don't think that is a bad idea.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (10 November 2015):
 Nope, you are not wrong. Everyone has boundaries, and not everyone is OK with their partner hiding illegal habits from them. In fact, I would hazard a guess that most people who choose not to use drugs, male or female, would have reservations about being with someone who did so despite knowing that it upset the person they loved. This is no more 'conditional' than you telling him he cannot steal while in a relationship with you.
I suspect what your partner is actually upset about is the fact that you have put your foot down and drugs are essentially off the table while he is with you.
IF you stay with this guy, be ready to stick to your word if you do catch him using, because if you forgive him once he won't take your future ultimatums seriously.
Good luck and best wishes!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2015): I am in the exact same position. My bf likes to use drugs. I came him the same condition. In the beginning he said that he would not use it. Then, of course, he continued using it anyway. In the end it came down to the fact that he couldnt give the drugs up over me. Some crap about how its not that he doesnt love me enough, but more like he has used it in such a way or have such fun or all his friends use it blah blah.
I have also been with mine for over a year and I moved out a week ago. He wont change. He wont fight for me or see me worth over drugs. Get rid of him before it is too late.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2015): If he can't make the choice between giving up drugs for good and keeping you as a girlfriend; you'll have to make that choice yourself. You'll have to give him up. He's whining about it; because he still indulges in the recreational use of drugs. Most likely he will do them behind your back. He uses the word "love" because women melt at the sound of the word. That's bribery.
Stick to your guns. To each his own, but some habits you shouldn't compromise over. If you're looking for a stable and law-abiding relationship; and he's a party-animal, you're both incompatible to begin with. I'm not putting down people who like to partake in such habits; but people who do and people who don't are a bad mix. It would be hypocritical to lay down rules of what he shouldn't do; if you enjoy drinking to excess. Everybody has their choice of vices.
If you don't like drugs and he does; and he's making a fuss about it. Let him go. Don't force him to have to lie to you, just because he anesthetized you with the L-word.
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (10 November 2015):
no it isnt wrong to have deal breakers, these are standards you have to have when dating. If there are no conditions then surely anything goes? Personally I would not find it acceptable to be with someone who does drugs recreationally or otherwise. He is trying to excuse and normalise his behaviour and if he thinks this is the way to go then let him go and find someone worthy.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (9 November 2015):
 You are totally correct. Be sure you stick with your criteria on drugs and follow through on your criteria. There is no double standard when it comes to alcohol and drugs: people who abuse them need to know ahead of the time that they will loose on love if they do them. Your approach is totally correct because love of drugs and alcohol always pushes off the love in the relationship. I've seen that movie play over and over. It is up to him to decide what he loves more: drugs or you?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (9 November 2015):
 He sounds like he finds it sad to part with drugs forever. My son is not of age yet but I am ready to say to him if he ever become drunk, or try drugs (including cannabis) then I would disown him. And mothers are supposed to love children unconditionally. You use the term conditional love when applying to people in sickness, in situations they have no control of. Drugs and alcohol on the other hand, needs will power to stop. Your boyfriend is using the word conditional love to guilt trip you. Don't listen to him.
I totally agree with having deal breakers, and yours is a very reasonable one. Drugs cost a lot of money. If he recreationally uses them it means he has less money to invest in a future, a home, and for potential children. Money is important in relationships and drugs should not come in between. In other words, he does have to choose because if he spends money on drugs he can't unconditionally love you. Drugs can cause brain damage, it can get you in legal trouble, you can get into fights or lose work. So again, he can't give you 100% of himself if he does drugs.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 November 2015):
 I don't think so.
My husband is an alcoholic. He is in recovery since January 5th. He knows if he drinks I will be leaving. He misses his alcohol but he loves me more so he does NOT drink.
Your BF has a great out BTW... you said he couldn't do drugs at a party.. what about at work? or when he's home alone?
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A
male
reader, devont +, writes (9 November 2015):
 Personally, I don't quite understand your boyfriends point of view. Mostly, because I believe that the only love that is unconditional is the love between family, between a parent and child, brother and sister. Otherwise, love IS conditional. It's conditional on you liking each other, trusting each other, choosing to be together. A deal breaker isn't about saying 'I will 100% stop loving you if you do this' it's about saying 'if you do this, it will hurt me in a way I won't be able to get over'. Maybe there's not much of a difference to some, but there is to me.I don't think it's wrong to have deal breakers, but I don't really talk about them in my relationship. It kind of goes without saying that cheating is a deal breaker, and we know what behaviour would upset the other, so we don't do it. No pressure, no feeling worthless. It's just about respect.Just my take on it.
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