A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Two years ago, I made a business deal with a military base near Nebraska. One of the guys was pretty friendly with me, he was rather flirty to the extent of making me feel he liked me. I felt like chemistry like I had with no one in my life before.I was crushed when I saw his wedding finger, so I backed off. It happened the guy left for good to his base in Okinawa, Japan to his wife who happened to be GI as well. His replacement told me he was in his 2nd marriage, that he had kids from his 1st marriage, that he was schizo and only thinking in having a good time.A month after this guy left, I had to contacted him for pending business issues and all of a sudden we started to keep in touch, to the extent of being consider friends.Now, he sent me pics of himself only no family, BUT he always talks about them, his wife and kids.I've never crossed any boundaries and nor has he, we send each other hugs but that's it. He flirts but as a friend.He says he enjoys our friendship and communications. That is really great I keep in touch with him. Now, my friends say is wrong b/c he's married but he had never being disrespectful to me or his family. Is more like friends thing. They're in NY now, and never lost contact.He had never asked me if I'm single or has BF whatever like he's not interested in that and he's very caring. He's only 4 years older than me.Do you think is wrong as my friends say?
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (5 October 2008):
 It is wrong. It's wrong because of the vibe you felt with him. You felt the vibe because he was trying to do or say things he thought you'd like to hear. As a human we do enjoy the company of people who make us feel good. That is natural. As a married man, he should tone it down and not send pictures of himself to other women. You see, it's a game. He can get away with what he's done, should his wife catch him, because he can minimize the connection he has with you....."Oh, don't worry dear. You're being foolish. I"d never cheat on you, she's just a woman I know through work. She's really nice and I think you'd like her".....Of course he wouldn't tell her about the flirting or the "chemistry" part. That would spoil all the minimizing of the situation he had just spun.
Also, I bet you'd be less interested in him if he hadn't flirted with you. You see, your "friendship" with him was sullied from the beginning because of the flirting. When a person plays that card in the beginning the genie is out of the bottle. It has been put in the open that there is an attraction there. If this was just a guy you'd never see again and you met one day by chance, that wold be different. It would be merely a coincidence that you met and you merely enjoyed the fact he liked you. But when you have the opportunity to allow the relationship to mature is when it becomes deceitful.
In the end, it is OK to bee attracted to someone even when you're married. The part that makes it disrespectful is when you let it show. That is like making a public statement to everyone except your spouse that you're attracted to another person.
A
female
reader, Cherriepie  +, writes (5 October 2008):
 I think its ok to be friends with the guy. And if it eventually gets sexual just keep in mind he is married, and dont fool yourself into expecting a commitment with him. Just keep it light, keep it fun and enjoy each other and you will be ok.
If you want to keep your boundaries and not get sexual, the rules still apply...he is married and expect nothing from him. Its good to be freinds though...enjoy it and dont get so guilty about it. he is the one who should be guilty, not you. Whatever you do, keep your head on straight.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2008): Sorry but I think you are trying to fool yourself and convince us and yourself that it is just "friendship" but I bet that deep inside you have feelings for him that you are trying to hide and to suppress. You would love to have more then just the casual flirting and friendship; however what you are doing is wrong; you are hurting yourself; there is no FUTURE for you with this guy; stop contact with him and let him be; let go of your illusions and secret desires; what he is doing is not fair towards you or his wife; all this is not just innocent, you are going to get hurt. I can see the red lights flashing.
Be strong and move on.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (5 October 2008):
 Yes. You are likely being duped by a married guy who would enjoy access to your privates or whatever for sexual gratitude. Yet you indicate some friendship. In my opinion, based on your posting, the problem is that you are apparently considering an affair with a married father.
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