A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing my boyfriend for five months now. When we first got togther he mentioned he knew one of my friends and almost dated her. Ill call her S. Then after hanging out with him and another friend of mine ill call P, im told he was really obsessed with S to the point it freaked her out and she cut all ties with him. Over the last five months I've slowly heard things like he ordered a crap ton of pizza because she delivered and he wanted to meet her, and he ended up partying with her and on a drunken night slept with her, which he says didn't actually happen because he was too drunk but i dunno. He makes comments that imply he still likes her a lot, that or he's trying to get a reaction out of me. She's a gorgeous girl, lots of guys are immediately attracted to her. I asked him what color i should dye my hair casually, and he suggested blond. I didn't really think much of it, but then anther time he mentioned he really liked hazel eyes. And on another occasion, pulled up a tattoo online identical to her shoulder tattoo and said he always liked those kind. She died her hair blue two weeks ago and today he spontaneously died his a lighter blue color. I'm brunette with blue eyes, shes blond with hazel. He referred to her as ditzy one day and the next days said he likes me moreso when im acting ditzy. I asked him how he felt about her and he immediately starting insulting her, and i brought it up again today after he died his hair blue and he called me jealous of her. I love the girl, but i feel like i don't even want to see her ever again and it upsets me that im losing a friend over this. She's in love with the guy she's seeing and not a threat but i feel not only settled for, but somewhat like he's being a jerk with his subtle blows. I'm not really sure how to think about things. Aside from breaking up, what's the next best approach for dealing with this feeling. Is it wrong that i feel he's totally describing her when he volunteers his opinion on whats his type?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2018): The other woman involved may well be a perfectly decent, nice person who cannot help but attract a lot of attention from men.However, she has - it seems - shown serious doubts /fears about your boyfriend's previous behaviour, even though she is used to getting a lot of attention.From your boyfriend's side of things, he sounds possibly mentally ill and, if not, deeply sexist. He is attracted to the proverbial 'dumb/ditzy blonde' - this is an extremely limited idea of a woman, and it shows great emotional immaturity on his part that he can't seem to see beyond this stereotype. Not only this, she literally "served" him in the past (i.e. served him his food) and he demanded this over and over again from her - ie. he likes putting this 'dumb blonde' stereotype of a woman into a very subservient position.As well as this, you've heard doubts / rumours about his bad behaviour from other people.The way he treats you should, in itself, be enough already to convince you to leave him. He is NOT seeing you as a person in your own right, but is instead projecting this fantasy onto you. Note, however, that he seems to have projected this fantasy onto the other woman as well - it's just a coincidence that she herself seemed to embody it more precisely, whereas you, due to your physical traits, do not.If that's not enough to convince you, then you could actually ask this woman to talk to you - make it clear you have absolutely no ill feeling towards her, but that your boyfriend's behaviour is concerning you. Their really is a huge amount of strength to be gained from female solidarity and it may be that, having made wise choices herself, she could also support you in making the best choices for you.Meanwhile, develop yourself in your own right and beyond anything to do with your boyfriend's opinion - I think you may have had a weakened sense of yourself / low self esteem, and this is why you have opted for this sexist and controlling person as your partner
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2018): I know this isn't what you want to hear, but girl you deserve better than this, if my friend were in the same position I would advise her to end it. It really does sound as though he is not over her. Please don't lose your friend over this, it's not her fault, boys are easier to get over than friends in the long run. I would find it strange too if my boyfriend did that. I don't think you're overreacting given the circumstances but obviously he's not going to admit that. It's up to you whether you choose to stay, but why settle for being someone's 'second best?' Don't you want to meet someone who is crazy about you? It sounds as though if the opportunity became available, he would leave you for her. That's not right. It may not feel like it now but there are plenty of guys who would be crazy about you and would be proud to call you their girlfriend.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (23 September 2018):
 Firstly and most importantly, if this girl is a real friend, do NOT dump her over some bloke you have been dating for a few months, who makes you feel insecure. SHE has done NOTHING wrong. In fact, she cut all ties with your boyfriend because he "freaked her out".
Secondly, do you not see ANY red flags in his past and present behaviour? If not, you are either desperate to stay in a relationship with him or you are selectively blind. His behaviour towards this girl sounds like stalking. For someone who is used to getting attention to get "freaked out" by his behaviour had to be serious.
Thirdly, stop setting him up to fail and yourself up to be upset. Asking him what colour you should dye your hair, then being upset because he says the same colour as this girl has, is just masochistic behaviour.
Lastly, you feel (and probably ARE) "settled for". This feeling is not going to go away. You are going to drive yourself crazy. You have no control over this guy's obsession with this girl but you do have control over how long you allow yourself to be treated in this way and how long you allow him to make you feel inferior and second best. Is this all you think you deserve? If so, then perhaps that is where you start to address all this.
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