A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I'm 18 years old and in a relationship with an amazing man. I won't get all sappy and annoying but suffice to say, he makes me extremely happy and I feel very secure and loved with him. I endured a bit of sexual abuse when I was younger and I've never felt comfortable, ever, with any man in my life. And my boyfriend is the first one that I feel completely and totally safe and secure with.My friends and family are of course happy for me. Everyone except my Dad. My father disapproves of this relationship and has told me numerous times (very harshly)...because my boyfriend happens to be a few years older than me, nothing major. We'd been friends for two years and are taking things slowly and my Dad can't seem to appreciate that. He makes dozens of comments about how wrong it is. So much so that I've been afraid to introduce my father and my boyfriend (Damon) because my Dad has a horrible temper and has already judged Damon, so I know it wouldn't go over well.My parents got divorced when I was quite young and my Dad lived out of state my entire life, so I'm not extremely close to him. Now that I'm away at college, I see him very rarely and speak to him every few weeks.My question really is...is it wrong of me to exclude my father from this part of my life? I've decided not to speak to him about Damon at all until he chooses to respect my decision and be mature and supportive. I still visit my Dad and we talk on the phone, but never about my boyfriend. And I'm honestly happy keeping him out of the loop, because I know I'd just get judgement in return. For example, Damon lives about 2 hours away from me, and next week he's planning on coming to visit me at University for 10 days (staying in a hotel). I've told my mom and friends and they're all excited, but I haven't told my Dad, and I don't plan to, because it would only make him extremely angry.So is it wrong of me to keep my Dad in the dark when it comes to my dating life? I feel like he should be kept informed on all the important things going on in my life, but if he can't be happy for me, I'd rather he didn't know more than he needs to about me and Damon.Is that awful of me?
View related questions:
divorce, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2007): Your Dad is exluding himself by being unaccepting. Don't burden yourself as he is the one acting unfairly.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2007): It sounds like Dad has attachment issues and thus he wants to keep you to himself. It's a type of emotional abuse and I feel for him.
He has suffered in his youth it would seem in that he wasn't taught by example how to be a healthy adult that would wish for his daughter's happiness.
He has a need to control in that he refuses to accept that you are an adult and are moving on and this threatens him. He sounds like he isn't even aware that he has these 'issues' and fear of abandonment is hard to live with especially left untreated.
I say tell him you love him, you think he did the best job he could or if you feel he has done a great job-tell him. List all the good things about him and say that these traits are what you can see in BF and you thank your Dad for teaching you how to find a good man that will love and support you.
Perhaps family counselling for you and Dad would also help address any anger or fears.
I think you are doing the best you can given Dad's outbursts of anger.
Sometimes all we can hope for is a compromise of sorts.
You are doing fine Sweetie. Know that it's probably harder for you as Dad makes you feel divided and you aren't choosing one over the other, replacing one with the other...Dad is Dad and BF BF. Two separate people that bring two separate joys.
Take care.
*Hugs*
...............................
A
female
reader, stina +, writes (25 April 2007):
 Hi there anonymous,
It doesn't sound like your father really respects you, otherwise he wouldn't keep saying negative things about your relationship with this man. It's one thing not to like your boyfriend, but totally different if he's knocking Damon down every chance he gets...especially before he's even met the guy. Maybe he has a reason in his own mind of why someone a bit older would be bad for you. But everyone's different and he shouldn't judge your boyfriend by what he's experienced or seen in this case. If you two have taken it slow for two years and are still together, then that's great! Perhaps your father feels threatened by your boyfriend in some way?
Well, whatever his reason is for acting like this, it's no wonder that you would avoid talking about Damon with him. It's not an awful thing to do. Actually, it's what I would recommend. It's sad that it has to be like that with your father, but it only makes sense not to set yourself up.
Maybe just keep your father out of the loop until things get more serious, for example if you two get engaged. He's going to have to find out some point down the road, so just keep that in mind. Maybe your mother or another family member can help you figure out a way to break the news.
Also, just a thought, maybe it would be a good idea to have your father and boyfriend meet. Maybe after your father sees how caring and supportive your boyfriend is, he'll change his mind...or at least consider seeing him in a different light.
But, I have to say this again, it's not wrong or awful of you to do what you're doing, it's just sad that your father makes you feel this way.
Take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, Keria  +, writes (25 April 2007):
You are 18. You are an adult now. Get used to the idea of making decisions for yourself now. You can ask your dad for advise, but ultimately, your life is up to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Jay Jay +, writes (25 April 2007):
 I completely agree with what penta said on this, you arent lying or deceiving your dad in any way, you are just choosing what parts he needs to hear about! Maybe your dad just feels very over protective because of what has happened in your past and the thought of you being hurt again scares him and he doesnt know how else to express this to you.
I personly think you are doing the right thing for now, as you explained you are taking things slowly with Damon so why rock the boat and rush the fact that you are growing into an independant woman with your dad. As time passes and your relationship grows there will come a point when it feels the right time to talk to your dad, until then carry on as you are. It seems that you are getting all the right love and support off your mum and friends that you need so if I were you I'd stop worrying and enjoy your relationship!
...............................
A
female
reader, penta +, writes (25 April 2007):
 No, it's not awful. You're not living under your dad's roof; you're old enough to make your own decisions, and everyone else is supporting you. If your dad doesn't respect that then he doesn't get to hear about it.
If it ever comes up, you might mention to your dad that since he was so negative about it you figured he didn't want to hear about it. Figure that you're doing your dad a favor by not rubbing his nose in it.
You're not lying. It's not like you told your dad you're NOT seeing Damon. Don't feel guilty. It sounds like you and Damon have a healthy relationship, so enjoy it.
...............................
|
