A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a live-in relationship for three years. In year 2 I became depressed and thought I was losing my mind and I realized just recently that it was because I was in a bad situation.My partner asked me to stop drinking out of respect for his beliefs. I complied, because I'm ambivalent. Then he slowly changed my eating habits so that I would be healthier. He would get angry when he found out that I was eating cheese at work, because it was cruel to cows (it is) and bad for my health. He would tell me that my friends were stupid. He would tell me it was okay for me to go to events with friends (never comes along) and then get pissy with me for coming home late. He was angry about photos (groups of people) that had both me and my ex (who I was on good terms with) he was angry that I spoke to anyone who used to know me when I was dating this person. He was angry to find out that I had started taking anti-depressants. I felt awful. I felt like a bad person and a liar. We would fight. He would break it off, and then pretend that nothing had happened the next day.I came to the decision to leave. Unfortunately, the lease was unbreakable, so I had to wait. My partner is a kind person who has experienced way too many tragedies in the last few years. He is helpful and kind and often gets stepped on for not drawing limits with others. However, he made me feel like shit. I love this person, but I know that he makes me more stressed out than I would be on my own.Since deciding to leave as soon as I could, I've been much happier, and because of how much better I've felt, we've been getting along much better and he's been treating me like a real person for at least the past 6 weeks. I went to a friends party last week and he didn't get angry at all. I've invited some friends (who he's called "stupid" before) over for dinner, and he's okay with it. He tells me that he loves me and that I'm beautiful, even all of the parts of me that he used to complain were too flabby or unattractive. We had been talking about moving to seperate places, shortly before this began (because he couldn't stand how loud and messy I am (I'm neither, by most people's standards). Now, he hasn't complained about anything I do and is nice and is telling me that he doesn't want to lose me and that the thought of losing me showed him that he needed to treat me in a way that showed me how important I was.The catch: I feel emotionally cut off. I made the decision to leave. Part of me thinks he will go back to the old ways, but part of me wants to cut and run. When I move out, he will have to move to a smaller less nice place because our combined salary makes living well an actual possibility. I don't mind having lots of roommates, so I will do okay and probably save money, but he hates living with other people and can't stand people who have different lifestyles (in terms of food habits/drinking/education/logical beliefs), so he will end up in a tiny efficiency somewhere, which will cost more than his current rent.Is it wrong for me to just want to walk away? Maybe he has changed for good and has truly "fallen in love again" (his words), but I am to tired to start again. I accepted that my effort wouldn't make me or him happy, before this 180 personality change. If I knew this person 2 years ago, it would be different.Also, should I feel guilty if he has to pay more rent to live somewhere that won't make him happy? He told me before that he was perfectly happy to live on his own and pay more to do so, but now he's upset that things will be "easy" for me and that he will just get "screwed" again.Thanks for your thoughtful advice.
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at work, depressed, liar, money, my ex, roommate Reply to this Question
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female
reader, babygirl1978uk  +, writes (20 October 2008):
please follow your heart it doesnt last more than 5 months at a time it will keep going abck to old ways
you have so many reasons you wwanna go and if you thinking he staying with you so he can have a nice house then go his next gf will help pay half and you can climb outta ya shell and be a happy you again xx
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