A
female
age
51-59,
*ovrar4evr
writes:I am about to turn 40 and have been in a non-committed relationship with a man, who's about to turn 50, for the past 3 months. We've been on a few 'dates' but most of our meetings have been at his house for tv or coffee,talking, and then we'd end up in bed. We work together so I see him quite often. While I wouldn't have a problem listing several reasons why it would be difficult to be BF-GF, it's not impossible. He refuses to give me his 'reasons' because he feels I can't accept them. I am in love with him, and he knows it. I think he would continue the same kind of 'no strings' relationship that we've been having, but I'm not so sure it's the right thing for me to do. Suggestions always are to 'leave him alone', 'don't contact him', 'he's no good for you', 'you'll never have more than what he's giving you'. Well, I WANT what he's giving me and I think about it all the time. I want sex from him, and I want to please him.Although I want him in my life, I think I can live without committment as long as I know I will see him at some point. It's the 'not knowing if/when' that hurts. There's more to this, but too much to mention. Is it wrong for me to continue this relationship? Or, because of my love for him, will it damage me even more emotionally? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2008): "Or, because of my love for him, will it damage me even more emotionally?"---In a word, "yes". You love him and yet he has indicated to you (I assume in a variety of ways) that he is not interested in commitment. No doubt you have things in common: You work together and are capable of a friendly conversation...Which might have lead you to believe your relationship with him is not just sex and could eventually be more.
Let me put it this way...You are involved in two separate love affairs. There is the physical relationship that you are having in reality and there is the unrocoiled romantic love affair in your head. The question is can you live like this? Can you honestly live with the fact that the man you are in love with has no intention of loving you back? That he will never give you commitment? At 40 years old, are you willing to settle for so little when you could be getting much more from someone else? Ask yourself, besides sex (be honest now) what can this man really give you? Do you really need him to be happy?
Because you work together it might be a little awkward if you decide to end your affair with him, but if you are truly resolved in your decision it doesn't have to be.
Take it from someone who has been in a similar place. You can convince yourself that things might change based on the occasional kindness he shows you. You can continue to put yourself through misery for years hoping and still wondering. Or, you can take control of your life now before your emotions and the sex between you turns into an even bigger mess.
Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2008): I'm sorry,but I have to say one of those suggestions.Maybe all 4.You should leave him alone.He won't commit to you.Although you're ok with not having that,it really doesn't give you a relationship with him at all.He won't give you his reasons of why you two can't be together.So,he
can't say that you won't accept them,because he doesn't really know you that good to know if you'll accept them or not.You say you want sex from him,and you want to please him,but you don't mention or say anything about his personality or anything non sexual related about him.Do you
really feel like it's more than sex?You don't know if you
can live without commitment,you THINK.You should try to figure out if you can live without commitment.It's not wrong,it's just risky.It might damage you more emotionally
since he won't express how he feels and you might be loving someone who won't let anything out,therefore not giving you any emotional feedback.I hope I helped and gave you at least somewhat of an answer,if one at all.Follow your heart and I wish you the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2008): You know that what you are doing is wrong towards yourself. You are enjoying the MOMENT. Sure, that is great and wonderful, but you know that at this rate there is no future or long term relationship. Why are you allowing this guy to ruin your future?
Don't you want and deserve more from life? Is your self esteem so low that you are prepared to take this and accept this?
No, I think you need to evaluate your own position and situation in life. You need to do what is best for you, not just for NOW, but long term!
Wake up, he is having all the benefits without commitment. You are not some little teenager, you know of better. STOP all the benefits, including sex. If he want s the perks he must come to the table and commit.
Vow, I know this might sound harsh, but you deserve the best. Stand up for yourself and earn respect!
GOOD LUCk.
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