A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I need to be calm about this, but it is hard for me. My b/f has a friend (female) who is married, but her husband and she are far apart often because he works several states away from her. But now she has gotten a job fairly close to where my b/f lives, and is spending the night at his place before she goes to look for a new apartment. It makes me very nervous, like she is trying to horn in on my b/f, even though she is married. He likes her but not that way, and I do trust him. But just the same, i wish she had looked for jobs where her husband mainly works, rather than our area of the country. Is it wrong for me to be all anxious about this? Please help!!!Jealous girl Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2008): This is the original writer. I'm sorry I didn't get back to you all who answered me so very helpfully sooner!
What happened that night was that my bf decided his house was too messy for a guest, and told her that she couldn't stay over, so she found other lodging.
That was a relief to me, but I don't think that this will ever be over, as they
seem to have forged a friendship, and he calls her often and vice versa.
I didn't repress myself though -- thank you Irish and Sam Narniagirll, celilaf,and lexilou! -- but have let him know how and why I feel anxious. She just sends up red flags in my psyche, and I don't know if she'll ever stop hurting me with her mere existence. (But there must be a way to learn from this and turn this around).My bf says he likes ME so maybe I can eventually get over this, and be accepting of the situation, but for now it is a source of anxiety and unhappiness. Perhaps it is based on past wounds from another boyfriend who hurt me.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2008): I agree it is wrong. Let him know.
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A
female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (22 September 2008):
 Turn it round, suggest a nice meal to get to know her better. That way you are round at this place too, make sure you stay overnight!
Yes you could try talking to him but if he has had this female friend for awhile he may not understand what your problem is. Tell him you are uncomfortable knowing that she will be staying there and feel a little bit jealous x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2008): No, this is all wrong. You're boyfriend seriously should not be allowing a female friend stay over, married or not. You are not being jealous in any fashion, this is just all wrong.
He needs to consider you - not just your feelings, but you. This sends red flags to me and honestly, you need to tell him where you stand.
I suggest you stay over at his place while she is there (though if you tell him exactly how you feel I doubt she'll be staying). You are his girlfriend and you should be the only female staying over at his place.
I wish you the very best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2008): Well, you can wish this woman, off and away to another part of the country, but nothing can be done about it, right. I think you should not be surpressing your feelings of concern over this. So many women get antsy about directly confronting their partners about stuff like this, when they should be. You are viewing this married female as a threat. and he needs to know...that a boundary is being breached here. So many females don't do this. Why? Because she 's worried about rejections, criticism, direct confrontations and negative exchanges with her guy. Instead she wants to look 'sweet, nice and feminine'. So she stays quiet and gets emotionally injured, she sulks and gets depressed. That's silly. You are in a relationship with this man and you should be able to tell him anything that worries you and if this situation is "bone of contention" here, you let him know. Be honest. You need to tell him forthright, how this makes you feel...calmly and clearly. Who knows, he may even respect the fact that you are doing this. If this is just a one night thing, perhaps this married female friend could simply...book into a hotel room?
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A
female
reader, Sam_Narniagirll  +, writes (22 September 2008):
I can understand you're jealous.
Maybe it helps to talk about it with him.
Tell him what you feel and don't forget to tell him that you trust him. Because other wise he thinks you don't.
Don't be scared, because when you won't talk, he'll never understand what he's doin' to you to let that wife stay at his place. I hope I give you some advice.
Good luck.
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