A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Is it wrong for a man to look at and flirt with women other than his significant other? Why or why not?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2016): Apparently everybody has different views on this. My view is thus:
If you are in a committed relationship you can look but not flirt.
I also find it to be rude to flirt with someone without taking it somewhere, that is just playing with their emotions.
You have to know where your partner stands on this topic, not us. Because if it were me, my flirty SO would be out the door.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2016): Here is my view.I don't see WHY it is necessary to even put yourself in that position.Where there is smoke, there is fire.I say you are consciously flirting with disaster by consciously flirting with others of the opposite sex.Things escalate. If you flirt with the same person over and over, then yes, it can get out of hand. Now, if you mean, strangers, people you will never see again, then that is less threatening. But if you flirt with people in your social circles and people you interact with regularly, you are setting yourself up for crossing boundaries. Somebody will end up taking your flirtations seriously, and you will have to (hopefully!) turn them down. That is a bad position to be in. Why would you even go there? To the point of taking it that far? Somebody is always going to misunderstand your intentions. And you could be leading people on and stringing people along. And then hide behind it's meaningless flirting.Some partners would see it as another partner's way of "safely" and "discreetly" testing the waters. By hiding behind the premise of it's only flirting. There is no such thing as harmless flirting. Because when you flirt, you wait to see if the other person bites. If they flirt back. Then you have your green light. And THEN WHAT? Keep going? UNTIL?.... It is useless and purposeless. Nobody in a relationship needs to hit up other people for an ego boost. It is fleeting. And most times, it hurts your partner. Even if they seem stable. In my eyes, it makes you appear less trustworthy and less committed to your partner.So, tread lightly here.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (28 December 2016):
Looking and flirting is one thing...Lusting....Now you are going down a road you really do not want to go.
Lusting will lead to the need to do something about releasing those built up urges.
Once you do...you are done.
Lust is the major factor in most divorces. In fact, look around you...look at what lust has done to so many lives...lust for sex...lust for money...lust for fancy things...lust for drugs and alcohol...lust for power...Do those people look like they are having the time of their lives??
If you are looking with lust...stop.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 December 2016):
 I agree that it entirely comes down to the couple, the man and the intent behind the flirting.
So it's not an easy, yes or no question to answer.
Mostly, I'd say if you would do it in front of your partner and your partner is OK with it, go for it. Otherwise, have some consideration for your partner.
IF your partner doesn't like it, it makes her uncomfortable and insecure in her relationship, then why would you? For the thrill? Even if the cost is your partner's feelings?
IF your partner is OK with it, it would go both ways, which means are YOU OK with HER flirting or being flirted with? IF you both are OK with it and see it as harmless fun, then obviously it would be OK. If you make the presumption that SHE shouldn't do it but you should, it's a little off, don't you think? A little double standard going on, which really doesn't help a relationship either.
And then there is the "intent". WHY do you flirt? IS it to make other women smile, to feel good about yourself, for fun or because it's part of your public persona, OR do you flirt to see how far you can go with or without crossing "that" line?
Do you make SURE that the women you flirt with KNOW that you have a partner and the flirting are more like banter than wooing these women? Because you DO also have to consider your "target" or "recipient" of the flirting because YOU can mean things to be EVER so harmless and fun, and some women will take it seriously and then what?
And then there are the people who just can't "draw a line" - they go from thinking it's oh so harmless, to doing it behind their partner's back. To text, call other women or sign up for dating sites to meet women to flirt with online. JUST because that person isn't serious about what they say and do doesn't make it OK.
I think it's something you ought to talk to your partner about. Talking boundaries and standards in a relationship is pretty healthy.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 December 2016):
 I agree it depends on the looking and the flirting. Is it wrong for a woman? It also depends on the place, the time, the relationship, etc. There is no one right answer.
My husband will look. He's not subtle about it. He can't flirt to save his soul. Me, I don't look all that much but I flirt with everyone and everything.... he says it's like breathing for me. In no way does his looking or my flirting affect our relationship.
IF the flirting/looking is bothering one of the partners then it should be stopped. IF it's not possible for the partner who is doing the hurtful behavior to stop then it's best to end the relationship.
I know my husband finds it amusing that I flirt. I also know that if he's feeling insecure in our relationship I have to be careful to make sure he's aware that he's my one and only. I also wear a huge wedding ring/engagement ring and at the first sign that the person is taking me seriously or contemplating making a move on me I mention something my husband said that morning. (even if I have to make it up) to make it very clear that it's all just fun and games.
I know that there are people that take flirting very seriously and think it's always a precursor towards dating/sex/relationship, but there are many like me who find it a pleasant way to pass the time.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2016): It entirely depends!If, like me, you like to mild flirt but have no intention of taking it further, then flirting is fun. Some would say that the recipient of the flirtation may feel led on, but that excuse is no longer acceptable for men to say against women- so it should apply the other way!But if you're the kind of guy where flirting has always lead to something more or if you have cheated in the past, then flirting probably isn't the best thing to be doing.I'm guessing your significant other is bothered by your flirting, that's why you posted the question? If it makes her uncomfortable, then avoid doing it and discuss it with her, but if it's part of who are and your flirting never leads to more then she'll have to meet you in the middle and learn to trust you.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (28 December 2016):
 It depends on the flirting. It also depends on where and who else is present.
A bit of harmless flirting makes the world go round. It can make people feel good about themselves. It won't be taken as a serious suggestion of something more.
However is it becomes inappropriate: the wrong person, the wrong place, the wrong intent, then it is certainly out of order.
Another thing to bear in mind is the strength of the relationship you might be in. How long has it been established? Is your partner comfortable with your flirting. There is no one size fits all. It all depends.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (28 December 2016):
 It's okay *if* you've discussed it with your partner and they are okay with it. If they don't feel comfortable with it, don't do it or find someone else who is comfortable with it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2016): Hi OP
Personally, I think that this cannot be generalized and that the rules should always be defined by the couple in question.
Why not have a talk with her, or him, and see what they think.
Some couples are completly fine with flirting, others with just lookink, some with both... or neither.
In my opinion, that is nobody's business but those's involved.
All the best.
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