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female
age
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anonymous
writes: Hello I am an older women (OP is 66) and a widow my husband died 2 years ago and I am trying to rebuild my life somehow and have started to go out with another man who seems quite nice. The problem is he says he is a cold fish and does not believe in buying birthday cards or Christmas cards although he buys birthday/Christmas presents. He is a keen dancer and has been going dancing without me three nights a week as I never learnt to dance, I did ask if I could go but he did not want to take me as I could not dance I have not been worried about that but recently I questioned him about something he had been to on Facebook and now he has restricted me from his timeline and I can only see his public logs. I am not very street wise and I met my husband when I was 16 and had 50 very happy years with him and he was loving and kind and funny and I miss him everyday. What I am asking is I not sure how to handle a cold fish is this new man worth the effort of getting to know or should I just move on. I would appreciate your views on this
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (21 May 2015):
 I think that this is more than his being a cold fish.
He has told you he doesn't do cards... if that's important to you then he's not the man for you.
IF he loves dancing and he cares for you he would WANT you to be part of his hobby... do you want to learn to dance? Have you asked him to teach you or go to classes with you?
If he has UNFRIENDED you on facebook and only lets you see his public posts he is hiding something and is NOT to be trusted.
I would throw this cold fish back and keep fishing in warmer waters.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2015): I'm sorry to hear that you have lost your beloved husband and I admire you for your strength and will to move on.Someone has already said that you will never find the exact copy of the man you loved. But, I hope that you can find another good, kind and caring man. From everything you wrote, the man you are currently seeing doesn’t sound like one. He’s found a niche for you and he likes to keep you there. Going dancing alone and restricting his FB sounds like compartmentalizing and leads me to think that he may have at least one other significant person he’s interested in. Some people simply enjoy the attention and feed on other people’s emotions. They love to be loved, the more the better. I call them “sultans” as they like to have a “harem”. It’s not (just) about sex. They really need to feel love, attention and care. And they mostly use certain means of control. They like to be unavailable in some way and keep a distance. You deserve better, plain and simple.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (18 May 2015):
 It is not necessarily 'cold' that he does not buy cards. Perhaps he finds the buying of cards has become too commercial and he does not want to get involved with such commercialisation.
But he is not that 'cold' that he cannot be bothered with birthday and Christmas presents.
One hopes that he is 'warm' enough to consider what really delights you. By that I mean, it does not have to be expensive, but it does need to be appropriate. For instance I love peonies and so a pair of gardening gloves in pinks and mauves with peonies in the pattern would be much nicer than if I was given and orange teapot as I do not drink tea and orange is not my favourite colour. Though of course I would say thank you for the gift, but wonder why the person had chosen to forget that I don't drink tea.
Thus he is signalling that he is willing to spoil you occasionally for birthdays and Christmas but you can probably give up on any Valentine's gesture etc. If you enjoy the surprise of some romantic gestures then he may not be into such things.
If he is a good dancer he should be able to lead you even if you are not up to his standard.
That he has restricted you from all of his Facebook is a little puzzling if he wants to build trust with you.
You will never find a replica of your beloved late husband.
But I think you are seeking a guy who is not quite as cut and dried and, dare I say it, perhaps lacking in a little when it comes to unexpected romantic tendencies.
Don't be in a hurry. At 66 and a widow there will be some guys will see you as an easy mark, think you will easily fall for them. There will also be some who may try to fall all over you to interest you. Neither may bring you long term happiness.
Go forward cautiously and consider what are your MUST have factors in a guy.
Build up some networks where you can meet others in a social setting. Consider some volunteering in your community.
When I was first widowed I was shocked when a neighbour tried to interest me in his 'services' on the basis that as a young widow I would be missing 'it'. I showed him the door and was quite insulted by his approach and his very base 'offer'.
I am glad that I waited and that I had given a lot of thought to what was important to me in a guy. Even then I chose to meet him for lunch on many occasions before I was comfortable with going forward. I am glad I was so cautious.
I think a guy who is more open with you and who is in a comfortable position and welcomes you into his circle of friends and does not keep big secrets from you may be the man for you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 May 2015):
 If cards mean something to you, then he isn't for you. Calling himself a cold fish seems like an defensive move, so when he forgets or ignore things that many people STILL do (birthday cards etc.) he can always pull out the.. well, I told you I don't do those.
I find it a little odd that he doesn't want to share dancing with you, though if he is a VERY seasoned dancer, starting "all over" with a beginner may not be something he wants to do. So if you are OK with him dancing 3 days a week, then I don't see the problem.
Commenting on something you saw on FB? What else were you supposed to do? Pretend to ignore it? He basically told you that you are NOT allowed to question him.
Personally, I'd look for someone who ISN'T a cold fish and who WANTS to spend time with you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2015): Awww, OP, I am so sorry but this guy is not deserving of you.I am a dance instructor and I am dating a dance instructor. We both love to go out dancing and it isn't because we are dancers and are good at it. It's because we ENJOY IT! And we like to spend time together having FUN. It doesn't matter how good you dance so long as you get up and dance. You do not have to KNOW how to dance to go out dancing. All you need is the desire to have a good time! I suspect you would be interested in going out with this guy and dancing and just having a good time. If he cared, he would ask you to join him. It is the perfect social activity for couples. He would not care what you danced like, if you danced well. Any of that. He would just want your company. And if he was a nice guy who was really INTO YOU, which clearly he is not, he would take you along and teach you some steps and over time you could learn more dance skills. But how can you if he doesn't ever take you dancing with him? Nor does he want to? I am sure if you went dancing with him three times a week you would be dancing well in no time. Practice is what improves skill. I think he might have some other dance partners in other women or he is seeking out other women (and it could go beyond dancing if you know what I mean?) Sorry. You would be cramping his style. This is the way he sees it.For a guy to got out dancing three nights a week without you is a red flag. Not good. Add to this the fact he has restricted you on his Facebook. Another red flag. He obviously has something to hide. Maybe all his other female dance partners? That would be a very good guess.I am not sure why he is with you when he is keeping all his options open and likely is already dabbling around with other women.I am sorry but you need to hear this. He is not a man who can be trusted. He is perhaps playing on your loneliness. He can sense you are vulnerable and he is taking advantage of you.Please don't let him. It is better to be alone for awhile than with a man who does not value you or care about you.I am very sad for you that you lost your husband. Good men do not come around everyday. And you may never find one just like your husband. But do not settle for a man like this so that you have someone. He will only make you unhappy. You will feel worthless and never good enough. He will never make you a priority. Work on yourself. Feeling good about you and building your own self esteem. Start some social activities of your own. Are there hobbies you enjoy? Get out there and meet new people. Go dancing on your own! With friends! Have a blast. You do not need this man! Better to trust you instincts and get out NOW. Please do not wait. It will only get harder and he will only hurt you more. :(This guy's dance card is FULL.I do think you should move on.Hugs.
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