A
male
age
51-59,
*mm.snow
writes:hi everyoneThree years ago my life fell to pieces. My grandparents, who played a very big part in my upbringing both died within 6 months of each other. My alcoholic abusive partner of 9 years went a step too far, finally admitting cheating on me (three days after my grandmother's death), but refused to move out of the home we shared for months afterwards. My life came to a standstill and I had a nervous breakdown, missing nine months from work.At my lowest point i met another guy and he took me under his wing, though he is 5 years younger than me. I moved in with him (far too quickly) and a relationship developed. He has a heart of gold and I love him dearly, but he is an emotional void in many respects. He finds it difficult / impossible to show any affection and is far too concerned with spending money (which we don't have) and 'showing-off' to other people. He can be cutting in his remarks (not just to me, but I seem to get the brunt of it) and he will air things in public, which I and other people find embarrassing. He is rarely happy about anything and moans about absolutely everything - it can be very embarrassing.We haven't had sex for two years, other than on three occasions when there have been (one-sided) 'groping' sessions. I could draw a detailed map of his back from our nights together. He days he doesn't like sex with me because I produce a lot of pre-cum (sorry to be graphic, but it's honest) and he finds it disgusting. He constantly looks at porn (so do I - but because I have no sex life and the alternative would be to go out and cheat, which, having had it done to me, I don't want to do); he has joined several gay dating websites that I know of; he talks to a lot of his ex-shags (we all have a past, i know!), but doesn't tell me and dodges out of the room to do it; now, I have found viagra pills in his wallet (the dog knocked the wallet on the floor, the pills fell out, he told me as he said he confiscated them from a member of staff at work who was selling them and that he had now put them in the safe at work, but they are back in his wallet.)Last year, on my birthday, I saw a message from him to an ex on MSN asking him to come round to the flat because i was at work. The ex refused, saying how bad it was of him to do this.I feel ugly, disgusting, unwanted and stupid. Added to this, he has a BIG problem with spending money. He has no concept of budgeting, and I am continually bailing him out, and getting bailed out by my mum myself. I'm not doing justice to him at all here, just concentrating on the negative. I am SO scared that I am being used as a walkig ATM, I want to get things sorted, but don't want the prospect of another failed relationship hanging over me. I am (nearly) 39, and thought that by now my life would be sorted and that I would be having a good life; as it is, whilst I am happier than I was with my previous partner, I'm just waiting for this one to finish all of the time and looking for evidence of him cheating on me.I know what i really need to do, but would appreciate it if anyone can back-up what i think.
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alcoholic, at work, grandmother, his ex, money, moved in, msn, porn, sex life, the pill, viagra Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2009): You sound unhappy, your partner won't have sex with you and from the sounds of it is cheating or at least wanting to. I am not sure why you are staying with him. You don't manage any real advantage of being with him.
DON'T stay just for the reason to be in a relationship. It sounds like you could be happier single at the moment than with this guy. I understand your age, but again that is no reason to stay in a bad relationship.
Life doesn't always work out as planned, and you still deserve and are able to find a man who treats you right.
A
male
reader, GrimmReality  +, writes (28 May 2009):
 YOU ARE ANSWERING YOUR OWN QUESTIONS!!!
What the hell is your BF doing on Dating sites when he is in a committed relationship?
why does he have Viagra is he's not using it on you? They aren't goddamn Mentos to pop in your mouth
Viagra is dirt ass cheap by comparison and unless people have taken up snorting them in recent years, your man is full of shit!
Ok so your last paragraph spells it out. You want to catch him cheating? If that is the only reason you are sticking this out, the either install a keylogger on his computer or make a fake profile on the same dating site and wait for him to put the moves on you.
And before other Aunts and Uncles scream at me about a keylogger being an invasion of privacy or a fake profile being disingenuous, I remind you that in a committed relationship there are NO secrets, and if you are so worried about it that is because you are moist likely doing something you shouldnt be!
In lieu of a PI, that is about the cheapest and fastest way to get your answers.
Since you already have doubts, and these lame excuses have already started, are you gonna take his word for it that he isnt?
If you have written here, its because you have a gut feeling....listen to your gut
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A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (28 May 2009):
 hun you've clearly been through a traumatic time in your life and he's obviously noticed that and he knows you are vulnerable that's why he's doing it!
he knows you are fragile after your last break up and the loss of family so you are still greiving in your own way may not be tears but maybe you're trying so hard to keep him in your life that's why you're not doing anything because you don't want it to fail again.
but hun lets face it this is dead in the water he's treating your horribly scamming money off you left right and center and he clearly doesn't care.
he's taking you for a mug and you've said you've not had sex for like 2 years because he doesn't like you and your pre cum well that's clearly not love.
hun you do really need to get out that relationship you're not doing yourself any favours i know you're in a hard place right now but please don't drag yourself down into this get yourself out and find a better man who will treat you with the love and care you deserve.
you shouldn't have to bail out a partner! time and time again and give him money.
he should use his own money hell he works!
you really need to hold your head up high and say "I AM BETTER THAN THIS AND I DO DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS"!
because you are and you so do!
you deserve love and care and you'll get it but not if you stay stuck in this rut with this horrible man!
hope this helps.
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