A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I guess I don't quite know how to put this in the form of a question. Basically I'm just curious if it's really so bad to not have an interest in dating? I have told myself that I'm most likely asexual although I'm attracted to men, just no desire to pursue anything with them. My mom thinks I'm "just shy," not asexual. However part of the question is am I not interested BECAUSE I'm most likely asexual, or do I just think I'm asexual because I haven't tried dating? By the way I don't feel like I necessarily NEED a label, I just like the idea of having things figured out, you know?I just have no desire to date. Mainly because of some self-esteem issues; I personally wouldn't want to date someone like me with my habits and personality, I'm not proud of them, so why would anyone else put up with me? But is it wrong to not try dating, even if I really have no interest? I guess that ties in with the asexuality. Is it wrong to assume I'm asexual without having experienced sex? I just don't feel like I need to try something I have no interest in, yet I feel like as I get older people will think I'm strange for not looking for a partner and following what's considered a "normal" life path.I guess what would you personally think if you met someone in their twenties who mentioned never having been in a relationship nor dated anyone? Is it weird to not be putting any effort into searching for a 'certain someone'?
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male
reader, BE125 +, writes (29 September 2015):
No I do not think this is a bad thing. I think you are pretty courageous. Thomas Merton always said people tend to put on masks to hide their true selves from each other, because the idea was we don't think other people would like us if they knew who we really were, our true selves! Well I think to some extent everyone has done that - tried to mask their true selves - that's why your situation is very normal as it relates to self esteem. I can't tell you how many relationships I've seen fail because one or the other found out something about their significant other they didn't know about that wasn't so good. And that's not to discourage you, but rather to encourage you to always show your true self, even if you don't think it's good enough. For someone else it will be, trust me! You are still very young, you don't have to worry about dating yet. When I was your age, I felt the same way. Everyone matures at their own unique pace. What you are describing is so normal that even Thomas Merton wrote about it, so you are in good company. You seem like the type of person who thinks things through carefully, and that will take you a long way in life. So I would say do not fear, be courageous and move forward in confidence!
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 September 2015):
 I don't think it's weird to not want to date.
For YOU, right now, dating isn't a priority or something you want and THAT is OK. I don't think you need to "fix" yourself so you can date people.
BUT if there are thing about yourself that YOU don't like (after all YOU have to live with YOU 24/7/365 for the rest of your life) then pick one area and work on that. DO it for you, not for someone else.
There is a big difference from being attracted to someone and not being interested in sex. Asexual just means you aren't interested in the physical deed of sex.
It might change if you meet someone who suits you, who can love YOU for YOU. It might not. You might be a "late" bloomer and that is fine too. And if you are an ACE, so what? You can still have great friendships and even relationships with someone who feels the same.
This is your life, live it as YOU see fit. JUST watch out that you don't put yourself in a "box" like ACE to avoid enriching your life through and with other people.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (28 September 2015):
 No. Thats like asking a woman is it weird for not wanting children. Each to their own and for what ever reason works for them. Not wanting to date shouldn't make you a social leper either. Society has too many expectations on the rules of relationships and if I had my time all over again Id probably follow in your footsteps. Live your life to the beat of your own drum
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A
female
reader, femmenoir +, writes (28 September 2015):
 Hi,
from all you've stated, i personally don't think that you're asexual.
I think with 'time' and with a bit of professional help, in the area of your 'self-esteem', i think you'll be more comfortable and feel more confident in meeting and potentially dating a guy.
You are still very young, you are obviously not overly interested in getting too close to guys right now, nor dating them.
This is perfectly normal and just because millions of younger people date and sleep with somebody, does not mean that you have to do the same, especially if it doesn't interest you at present.
Only do something, when you feel truly confortable.
It doesn't even matter what 'others' think about what you do or don't do.
What matters, is that you are 'true to yourself'.
When you are true to yourself and to others, regardless of what they say, or how they feel, that is what truly matters and counts.
Most people actually appreciate and respect openess and honesty, even if they don't share your overall views.
Give yourself as much time as you require and don't feel that it's a serious crime to not be involved with a guy, or to not be interested.
What society dictates, or the pressures that society places upon us, isn't always what's right, for every single one of us.
It is very natural and normal, for two people to come together in attraction and love, but only when you are truly ready and when you are, that's when love and romance are worth pursuing and at their best.
You have mentioned, that you are not proud of your own personality and habits, so why would anybody else wish to put up with you?
Well, based upon this comment alone, i wouls say that much of the way you feel, actually has much to do with your own inner insecurities.
This is why, i suggested earlier within my msg, that you seek professional help, to assist you with finding the answers, to why you feel as you do about yourself, thus improving your overall confidence and lifting your self-esteem.
The counsellor isn't there, to judge you whatsoever. All they do is listen and they will help you to 'help yourself', they won't even give you 'direct' advice.
Please think about going to see a counsellor and if you're unsure of where to start, well, it's as simple as visiting your GP and getting he/she to write a referral for you, to see a local counsellor and/or psychologist.
Here in Australia, we can get a number of free visits to a referred counsellor/psychologist, however, i am unsure as to what the rules are, in your part of the world.
All you have to do is google it, or make a few ph calls to find out.
You can also make direct ph calls to counselling practices and make an appointment, however, you'd then have to pay the full fees at each counselling session, if the rules where you reside, are like ours here.
Overall, try not to place too much emphasis on your situation, nor worry too much.
This will only 'add' to your stress levels.
Also, don't look at yourself as some type of 'freak' if you've ever felt this way, just look at yourself as simply being 'you'.
You are who you are and you are unique. It's ok to be who you are, regardless of what anybody thinks, feels or says.
Trust in the fact, that with a bit of help, you will be fine and when the time is right for you, you will meet somebody that you find you connect with and share common ground with, if that is what 'you' want, if and when that time should arise/come.
All the best to you and please let me know how you get on. :-)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2015): Hello,
I have been struggling myself with a similar issue. Unfortunately I don't really have any advice or help for you though. I've always been interested in a relationship; I don't want to be alone. I'm a very confident and independent person but I would like to find a partner one day to share my life with. But, I have little interest in sex and no feelings of sexual attraction. I have no problems at all abstaining from sex and am not concerned at the thought of never having it. This seems to suggest asexuality, but my background as a sheltered child/always being discouraged from anything sexual makes me wonder if I may have just adapted and learned to suppress it? I know that maybe sounds ridiculous but it's a real concern for me. I also have no physical experience with romantic partners and wonder if my friends are right. They say once I have sex I'll be 'normal'. Do I just not know what I'm missing?
Again, sorry I have no advice but your question just really spoke to everything I've been struggling with. Best of luck to you.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (27 September 2015):
 No, it's not strange to want to avoid the very complex "dance" that is involved with dating. Being alone has more merit than trying to make conversation with strangers that probably only want one thing from you anyway. Be proud of your solitude.
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