A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I sit next to a guy in one of my classes, and I've realised recently that I'm really into him. I work with him on a production and I think it's been coming on for a while, but best of all I get the impression he's into me too.I just have several problems about this situation.The last relationship I was with a girl, and it ended pretty poorly several months ago after I found out she'd been cheating on me with her ex. I'm over her, truly, but I keep finding out things that she did behind my back while we were together, and it still upsets me (I think understandably so).Secondly, we both go to uni in September. Both to different unis, to do different language courses, which obviously means years abroad in different countries. I think you can understand my hesitation here. I know I'm looking pretty far ahead, but I'm not somebody bothered by distance if I'm honest, I'm more worried about his attitude towards it.Finally, I'm absolutely terrified by rejection, and especially the thought of losing him as a friend worries me, because we are friends and we do have to spend a lot of time together. I get the feeling he thinks I'm gay because my last relationship was with a girl, and that might just stop him from saying anything if he is actually into me, which leaves it up to me. And I think if I didn't say anything before we both go to uni, I'd be kicking myself. Any help would be wildly appreciated, thank you so much.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2017): If it's your last year at the same college, and you're moving away from each other, then I reckon that's more of a reason to go for it!Think about it- if it all goes wrong and the friendship is affected, you're parting ways anyway. If you start a relationship and you realise you're not that into him, you're parting ways soon. But, if you get together and find you really like each other, then you'll both try to make it work. It's worth the chance!But.I reckon he probably does think you're exclusively gay. How open are you about your sexuality with your college friends? Is it common knowledge that you are bi? I guess it might not be. If he doesn't know you're into men too, then this is probably playing a strong element in your friendship. He might be comfortable with you because he thinks there is nothing sexual between you, in the same way girls like to have gay male friends.I'm not trying to make the situation sound worse, honest, but it's something that should be considered. I understand your fear of rejection, I have the same issue, and while I would be the first to tell someone to just go for it (I'm terrible at following my own advice!) there's more to this situation.My advice would be to find out what he knows about you- does he know that you're bi. I've no idea how you'd do that, but, if he knows you're into men too, then it's more likely he's interested in you. Not that I'm saying that he wouldn't fancy you if he thinks you're gay- but it would help you decide whether to make the move or not!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2017): last year of college I think is the same as senior in high school. Our courses require us to do our third year of uni abroad in another country, so we won't be in different countries for another three years, if this clears anything up
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A
female
reader, Campari Milano +, writes (23 February 2017):
First of all, it's so very rare that long distance relationships at universities work, especially in different countries. I'm not saying they can't, but please don't kid yourself!
You might be right, maybe he doesn't realise he has a chance. GO FOR IT! But don't just drunkenly snog him! Get him alone and tell him that you have feelings for him, but you value his friendship more. I know you are terrified of rejection, but you will regret it if you say nothing, or say it in a haphazzard manner.
If he feels the same, great. If he behaves like a wanker then you know he wasn't a very good friend to begin with. And then, good riddance!
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A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (23 February 2017):
 Wait so..you're seniors in high school then? And you're wondering about junior year abroad? How about you stick with the now and maybe the summer, it's not worth thinking farther down the line. I'm actually not sure how British educational systems work except that they're different. Once I get some intel on that I'll be better able to answer
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2017): You can always ask him in random conversation how he feels about long-distance relationships, and if he thinks he could handle one. Getting his opinion will have a serious impact on whether you should even bother revealing your feelings.
I think someone your age is better-off gaining experience and learning more about how relationships work by avoiding too much distance between you and the person you are dating.
Life never works out according to our idealized scenarios or imaginary plans. You have enough to worry about while living abroad. Making new friends, adjusting to a new culture, a different climate, being away from home, and keeping up with the demands of your studies.
You still get upset when you hear about things done behind your back from a relationship that is over; so imagine how you'd feel being in another country and leaving someone you adore behind, all alone. You're too young to put yourself or anyone else through that. What if you met someone you really like while abroad? That's too much temptation, with someone still discovering and experimenting with her sexual-orientation.
Dating when you're in your late teens and twenties are the years you get to learn about a variety of personalities, races, and cultures. You learn what type of person best suits you as a match; and you become more in-touch with your feelings and emotions. You still have much to learn about who you are and who you are attracted to. You are still developing psychologically, and in the process of becoming a woman.
Being uncertain about your sexual-orientation can be very hurtful to someone who actually falls for you. Only to find your feelings were just a passing-crush; and your feelings were not as real or as deep as you lead them to believe. Site your ex as a perfect example. She's not bad or evil, she's young and inexperienced. She's still learning.
Cheating is wrong at any age; but most prevalent in your age-group; because of your immaturity and lack of experience. Thus coining the phrase "kid in a candy shop!"
There is a lot of debate and argument that can be made in favor of long-distance relationships; and many responses to your post will be from people in them. I don't recommend them unless necessity forces an already well-established and strongly-connected couple apart. The span of distance and the frequency of the opportunity to see each other, are major factors if the LDR will even survive only a few weeks. Let alone for months and years.
Too much stress and insecurity comes with long-distance relationships. They are only worth the wait as long as it is absolutely certain you will be together in a reasonably short period of time. Waiting and waiting is torture, and people end-up cheating; because they have some needs that just don't hold-out. It's ideal for wealthy jet-setters and people who have access to private planes for speedy travel.
Your time and attention should be focused on your studies; not spending all your time trying to maintain a workable connection with someone hundreds of miles or an ocean away; demanding them to suffer in anticipation of when you can find the time to be with them. Always wondering if one or the other is cheating.
Lets be realistic. In most cases they are cheating. You're unrealistic if you think they aren't; or don't have a right to after years of waiting. If you wonder if someone cheats who you can walk to see next door, imagine the high probability and opportunity when you're miles and miles away! You have to be strong, and your ability to trust even stronger!
Time, distance, and financial-resources are not always to your advantage. True love will wait, but not indefinitely. Even married-people have their limits on how long a wait is reasonable and tolerable.
Before you start forming things in your head about how you feel about him, first find-out what he's thinking. I think he deserves to date people he can spend his time with, and doesn't have to constantly reassure that he's behaving himself. Same goes for you.
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