A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey!I am predominantly lesbian, and slept with my first man last year at the age of 27. I didn't have any sort of romantic interest in him, it was just a lust thing. Anyway, he's okay, and we became sort of friends-with-benefits - hard, because we don't live in the same city, but we managed it anyway. He's a big ladykiller and tells me stories of the girls he seduces. I am more discreet about telling him mine - he knows stuff happens but I don't go into details (don't feel like it's any of his business!).Anyway! The problem is that now he has a girlfriend. That's fine with me - I have never been monogamous, and open relationships make complete sense to me. He said that it was the same way for him, so we just kept it going the way we did before, sexting, having a laugh, etc.I am visiting his city next month for work, usually when this happens I stay with him. I just found out that his girlfriend has no idea about any of this, and thinks he is sweet and faithful and never would look at another girl. I called him up and yelled at him for a while, but the thing is that now I feel like the evil one in the situation, being the Shady Other Woman and all that.I have never met his girlfriend. I'm not particularly interested in his life. The only thing I'm interested in is sleeping with him sometimes. The question is: is it up to me to keep his morals in check?
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (24 May 2012):
 I think Cerberus summed it up nicely. Good thing you now know he's a liar and willing to deceive those around him. Why do people do that? I believe some people think with their genitalia. He must fall into that category. I think some people feel the need to add drama in their lives for all sorts of self-serving reasons. He's one of them, apparently.
You learned that some people lie to get sex. File it away, that will no doubt crop up again in the future.
Good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2012): "I just thought it was weird that he didn't care at all about lying to her"
I don't get that either. Even when I was sleeping around regularly I never lied to do so because it wouldn't have sit right with me. I hate lying in a way that hurts others and will never fathom how people are okay with doing so, but then again I don't keep people like that in my life nor let people like that have a chance to boast about that kind of shit.
Someone like that guy wouldn't ever see me again. Fine you didn't know what he was like but now that you do I don't know how you'd feel okay sleeping with a guy who has so little disregard for women. I mean fine casual sex is fun and all but the way this guy likes to get it is disgusting really. He isn't giving people an honest and open choice, he's playing people.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't know if I can say I really learned more about myself. My personal principles are that if I'm with someone, I respect them, and if I respect them I won't lie to them. I've been in long-term monogamous relationships and would never have dreamed of cheating, and I've been in open relationships where it wasn't an issue, but I've never lied to the person I love. If I love someone, sexual fidelity isn't a big deal for me, but honesty is.I guess that's why I find it so hard to fathom that other people do that. My personal principles don't really come into play in this particular situation, because I don't love this guy's girlfriend. I've never met her, don't know her name, and whatever other people do in their relationships is up to them. I just thought it was weird that he didn't care at all about lying to her - in the end, it looks like I was the only one even slightly bothered by it, seeing as she was sneaking around too. He had been sleeping with other people from the start, and the way I found out he had a girlfriend was that about a month ago he sent me a message to show off about dating a hottie. Then he didn't mention her until I said I was coming to his city, and he said "Okay, you're sleeping at my place those nights, but don't call me right now because my girlfriend's here." Which is when I called him and told him not to be an ass, and haven't had any news since (the news about his girlfriend dumping him came from my friend who works with him and found it all hysterically funny - we all work for the same company, which is why I keep getting sent down there). People are really odd, though!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 May 2012):
Ahhh, okay, sorry, I thought it was a bit overly dramatic, I apologize that I didn't recognize it was a joke. I guess the issue is resolved and perhaps you have learned a bit more about yourself? I wish you well, and safe travels!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 May 2012):
 OP, I will be honest, I had NO clue that English was not your first language.... you do better with it than some folks I know who have never even been out of the USA!
Best of luck to you...
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2012): Don't worry about it OP hehe, I think there have been a few crossed wires in this post.
Be careful with this guy, he's probably a walking petri-dish of STD's and he's shown himself to really not have any consideration for the feelings of the women he's screwing. That's a recipe for disaster, he's bad news. Try not to get emotionally attached to this guy or he'll tear you to pieces. Also get tested for STD's, ladykiller may not just be term in his case, it may well be literal.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUh... When I said that was a joke, I meant when I said "I'll just resign myself to never finding happiness and just making everyone else around me miserable", not about them breaking up. Just to clarify. I don't feel as though I have explained myself very clearly. I'm sorry.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha - Actually, that was a joke. Sorry. English is my second language so I don't always know exactly how to express myself. You have to admit that the whole thing is a bit of a lol though, right?
And to Cerberus, feel free to describe me as bisexual if it makes it simpler. I just wrote lesbian because before him I have never been with a man, and part of the reason that I find him interesting is probably *because* of that - it's interesting to be attracted to a man for the first time in my life! New experiences, eh. Well, nobody's getting hurt, and I probably won't sleep with him again anyway. But thanks for all your advice.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (18 May 2012):
 I guess she meant that it's hard to trust people because everyone is so quelle salade. They don't mean what they say and they present a false self to get what they want. She realizes that not many people understand the meaning of open relationships but instead sees cheaters and liars in the name of having an open relationship. Since people doing true, honest, open relationships are rare, the only resort is having affairs with shady people.
Don't go for proud lady killers. Look for a plain lonely single man.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 May 2012):
Sounds like a lot of drama going on in their lives. Perhaps he chose her because some part of him recognized she liked to sneak around too? As you said in your original post, you've never been monogamous and open relationships make perfect sense. So as long as everyone's aware of the expectations and has the courtesy to abide by them, there's no drama.
As to the very dramatic statement: "I'll just resign myself to never finding happiness and just making everyone else around me miserable." Wow, really? That casual sex thing you had going with him was so meaningful to you that it means the end of your chances of happiness and the lack of it will cause you to make everyone around you miserable? Wow, maybe it wasn't so casual then? Perhaps it meant more to you than you admit? That the lack of sleeping with him will lead to you never ever begin happy ever again and you will devote yourself to making people around you miserable, well, that's a pretty clear indicator he means more to you than a casual quickie every now and again.
Well, the good news is that he's single again. You are free to sleep with him as there's no 'relationship' for him to sneak around on. No one's morals to worry about at all. Enjoy the trip.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's all moot anyway. I'm staying with a friend instead of him when I go down there, and also they broke up. (Surely my fault! Or maybe because she left him for the dude she's been seeing behind his back. I guess we're all evil then.)
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 May 2012):
You do have a choice OP… you can choose NOT to see him.
but then that would be taking the non-evil high road.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh well. I guess I'm condemned then. Evil for life? I suppose so. I'll just resign myself to never finding happiness and just making everyone else around me miserable. How's that?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 May 2012):
I agree with Cerberus.
I guess the easy way out of a moral dilemma is to ignore one's previously stated principles. Just bypass 'em. Easy peasy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2012): "My question was about if he doesn't care enough to tell her, should I?"
If you're not still sleeping with him then why does it matter if he slept with you while he was single?
As long as you're not planning on continuing to sleep with him then there's no point in her knowing and creating a problem where there is none. That's none of her business anyway.
If you are going to sleep with him, then just refer to the previous posts.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey now! I haven't actually done anything except sleep with him a couple of times, back when he was single. My question was about if he doesn't care enough to tell her, should I?
Ah well. It's not really my problem, in the end. Thanks for the help.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2012): "The question is: is it up to me to keep his morals in check?"
No, it's up to you to keep your morals in check but that,
as Cerberus so lyrically expressed and poetically articulated, is a moot point.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2012): "I just don't feel as though it should be up to me to say no." Of course you don't, you want cock and you'll gladly play a part in hurting her to get it. Quite a strange way for a lesbian to act if you ask me. The lesbians I know find cocks unappealing, you're willing to hurt another woman just to get one.
Then you have no morals either OP. You want what you want and you don't care if she gets hurt or not.
Why are you here asking us about this when you're just going to continue to screw over people?
"I feel like the evil one in the situation"
Because you are. He has no problem fucking her over and you don't either.
You're obviously going to justify getting your rocks off by saying he is the one that should tell her and that you leaving marks is going to let her know.
Why did you get pissed off with him for not telling her when you're still going to be cheating with him?
You have no right to get pissed off because now that know you're still going to go ahead and shag him.
"Is it up to me to keep his morals in check?"
That might work if you had morals but you don't, the cock comes first for you and you don't care who gets hurt so you can get it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 May 2012):
“And his girlfriend will find out straight away because I leave marks...”
So are you planning to OUT him to her by the method above? Isn’t that a bit vindictive.
I too “leave marks” but you can easily NOT do that. So it sounds to me like you are NOT happy about his lying to his GF and you are not pleased about his lack of moral compass and YOU feel the need to be judge and jury all because YOU have an ITCH to scratch???
IF you truly felt it was NOT your responsibility to be his morals you would not have even asked the question and you would make sure to leave no marks…
No it’s NOT your job to be his judge, jury or moral compass. It’s YOUR job to live YOUR life the way YOU see fit for you.
The only person you owe anything to is yourself.
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female
reader, JessicaStarDust +, writes (16 May 2012):
 I must agree with what Tish said, The real question is "is it up to you to keep your principles aligned?"
Honestly, you can keep having fun w/him but as you said "I leave marks" his girlfriend will find out. I don't know what type of women she is, but I have seen women flip sh*t when they find out. Yet, she may also just say later to him.
Either way or, It's not right to be labeled as "The Other Women" For your own sake. I get that you have a FWB relationship going on. That is fine, now I have heard of some people having a type of triangle but not many. It's wrong to presume she will be okay with you being with "her" boyfriend.
My opinion is that you should not see him. If you just want to be with a man for a pleasure now and then, you should find someone else and have the FWB relationship with that individual. You will be walking into drama if you stay w/this relationship. (You might as well be a "his girl" for that type of drama)
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 May 2012):
Doesn't the term "open relationship" imply that all parties are aware that there are more sexual partners than just the two? So if this guy isn't disclosing his other sexual partners to her, then he's cheating on her.
I think that now that you know he's a liar, if you sleep with him then you collaborate actively with making him a cheater. We already know his morals are in the toilet, swirling down into that watery abyss.
You said your morals are fine with open relationships; what you've described is not such a relationship. So I think the real question is this: is it up to you to keep your principles aligned?
I rather think it is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not visiting him, I'm going for work, I just felt like getting laid at the same time. And his girlfriend will find out straight away because I leave marks... I'm not looking for a partner or any kind of romantic relationship. If I were looking for that, he'd be out of the question just because I don't think I could ever be romantically interested in a man. This is straight-up a sex thing. I just don't feel as though it should be up to me to say no.
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (16 May 2012):
You won't feel so good having sex with him wondering how hurt his girlfriend would be, and she will find out one day. He lied to you so that you could visit him. That already was immoral. He was lying twice, to you and to his girlfriend. You should not visit him. You don't want to be 50% responsible for his cheating don't you? If I were you I would stop talking to him. When you look for a partner who is also into the alternative lifestyle you have to skim through many lying cheating scums like him. Sometimes you could ask many questions but still they lie with their eyes open.
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