A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am now 25 years old and its been almost a year since I had an abortain after getting pregnant one month into my relationship with my ex boyfriend. It is something I did once and I KNOW I never will do again.I did care about him ---but to go through something so emotional in a new relationship was very draning and makes me feel is a part of the reason we grew apart. As much as it made us closer it also made us not be able to enjoy those months you are dating someone and everything is so happy. Sometimes I feel a made a right decision, because he ended up saying he couldnt see a future with me 5 months later anyway. Though we are still friends.. But sometmes i think I couldve been a single monther.I have a college degree and have started my career. I have supportive friends and family. I didnt really need him. And i am sure he wouldve made a good father even if we werent together..I often think about what I have done and I feel this is also a reason why I feel like i can't get over him. I feel so sad sometimes. Is it possible i feel I am in love with him because of what happened? I feel so angry sometimes that this is how things turned out. I wish I never met him because I had this huge part of me lost as a result, and I will also think back on what my child would have been like. We still communicate over the phone, we have been intimate during our break up every couple weeks---but found out he is back with his old gf so I am going to stop seeing him as hard as it will be. We do care about each other. Is it unfair that sometimes I feel like I need support from him when I am sad about the abortion? And expect that he should be there for me because in a sense I feel like no one else really understood going through something like that felt like. Am I being unreasonable? Its still kina fresh and I still have these strong feelings for him.I wonder will this feeling of guilt go away of what i did. I also want to know that I was cared for because of this huge loss makes me regret meeting him especially because he ended up leaving.I wonder If i shouldn't speak to him about it ever? and just move on. Its not always I get these feelings but when I do I just want him there for me. I am obviously having one of those moments where im thinking of it now!! Please tell me your opinions
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abortion, move on, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Brandie23 +, writes (16 September 2009):
It isn't unfair to ask for support from him but it is unfair to yourself if you're expecting him to want to be there for you. Some people cannot handle that kind of emotional issue. Do you think your sadness stems from abandonment at an emotionally needy time in your life and you're clinging to this feeling because you never grieved for the relationship or the abortion if you feel the need? It is natural to have feelings of 'what if' when you have an abortion, my best friend had one and she said it took a long time to get rid of the what ifs. She said for her, and everyone is different, she had to come to the realization as hard as it was for her to not have the baby it would have been the wrong time to have had the baby. If you had the baby before you graduated college (it sounds like this happened during college) do you know if you would have finished or if you would have ended up frustrated or trapped by what you now feel is an intruder? I hope this helps and no matter what anyone tells you these are opinions and feelings things you may want to consider. Everyone handles emotional crisis differently and no one should tell you how to feel.
A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (16 September 2009):
 P.S. I will be here for a little while if you want to send me a PM. Sometimes talking helps.
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A
female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (16 September 2009):
I think you have a few issues going on here and they only feel jumbled up into one.1)Issue #1: Grief after an abortion.This is NORMAL. I don’t know if it did affect him the same way as it affected you. You still have remorse, and possibly he does too, but try to remember the pregnancy with in YOUR body – not his. The emotional effect may have been great to him, but not the same.2) Issue #2:You can not move on from a love while you still have relations with him, in either a platonic sense or a sexual sense. He has a girlfriend and has moved on. It is time for you to do the same as well.3) Issue #3:You do not need his support a year after your abortion – support, possibly, but not his. I believe that you tell yourself you want his support because “only he can understand” because it is a way of keeping your connection going and it’s preventing you from moving on with your life.He has moved on with his life and it is unreasonable to expect him to be your constant source of support in this or any other matter. He has a new girlfriend now.4) Issue#4:Do not regret having met him. A part of you is not lost – although it has changed. You are suffering, and trust me – I know, but there is a future out there that does not involve him and you will recover from your grief and guilt.The best thing to do is to train yourself to stop associating comfort from the guilt and grief with contact with him. Find new ways to console yourself. You have friends and a good family, so start there.Good luck.
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