A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and he is very lovely and we are happy together. in the first stages of our relationship i "cheated" on him with this guy we'll call Harry. By "cheated" i mean we used to email eachother all the time, nothing naughty at all, just nice messages, but all without my boyfriend's knowledge. Then one day he found out and went mad, he was really upset. I deleted Harry from my social networking site because i couldnt resist messaging him and i knew it'd make my boyfriend happy. I also felt guilty because i knew i had a small crush on him and knew it was wrong to secretly message him. I havent heard from him or seen him since then (over 2 years ago). The problem is i still think about him, I feel sad for the loss of a friend and feel even more sad that i never got a chance to explain to him my reason why i stopped emailing him. I saw him today out a window and felt ill all day. I know i could run into him if I wanted to, but I know my boyfriend will freak. Is it unreasonable for me to expect my boyfriend to be over it by now?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2011): You should end it with Tom first. Try Harry,If that doesnt work find another Dick.
A
female
reader, ailemaaax  +, writes (23 January 2011):
Normally, I would say, yes, he should be over it by now.But you actually still have feeling for the guy, so obviously your boyfriend has every reason to still be worried!After three years, should you really still be fantasizing about this "Harry" person? You can't have your cake and eat it to.Cerberus is right -- don't kid yourself that you only miss him as a friend. You are attracted to him and feel, consciously or not, that you have unfinished business with him. Don't be an idiot and throw away three years with your boyfriend for some schoolgirl crush; don't give your boyfriend a REASON to still not be over it.On the other hand, if you're still lusting after someone else after 3 years, maybe you need to re-evaluate your relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2011): A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:
"Is it unreasonable for me to expect my boyfriend to be over it by now?"
A male United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:
"Is it unreasonable for me to expect my girlfriend to be over her crush by now and not still pine for Harry?"
You see what I did? He could ask the same question. You're not over him and that was the problem to begin with, you had a crush. Now you chose to break off contact but still over 2 years later you're still thinking about him. OP you chose this solution, it's you that has to get over it. Your boyfriend has nothing to get over, for him the problem was solved years ago, you chose your boyfriend over Harry.
What you're proposing is opening up old wounds.
It all comes down to that choice you made OP, now you want to overturn that and choose your friend instead because we both know that's what it will come down to.
It's not about being friends thewalkindude is awesome but I disagree, this isn't just a friend this is a crush and while you may truly believe you miss him only as a friend you know exactly what it would mean for your relationship.
Let me say it again, your boyfriend is over this a long time, but obviously you haven't moved on from Harry yet. It's you that's not over this.
You have two choices OP your friend or your relationship, you know you can't have both, you knew it back then and nothing has changed. Harry is your cheating partner, you know exactly how you'd feel if your boyfriend wanted to get back in contact with a girl he cheated on you with, you know you'd find it impossible to trust that it was innocent, you wouldn't understand why he'd want to after 2 years, you'd be constantly paranoid, on edge etc etc and that's only assuming you'd hang around if he did that.
OP if you even suggest this to your boyfriend things are going to get messy. Now that doesn't mean I don't think you should. In fact your boyfriend should know about this so he can decide for himself if he can actually keep going in this relationship when you still miss the crush you "cheated" with.
"You are entitled to be friends with who you like." This is very true, except he was a crush and that's different. Because it means he was a threat and you want to reintroduce that possibility again.
OP that choice I keep referring to you, that was your second chance I seriously doubt you'll get a third.
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy  +, writes (22 January 2011):
Yes, he should be over it by now. However, he was right to be concerned about your secretive emailing to another guy whom you admit having a "small crush" on. That's how things start. One thing leads to another, and the next thing you know your primary relationship turns to shit. But, yes...your bf should be over it by now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): You didn't cheat and you're entitled to have male friends. If you miss this guy as a friend you need to talk to your boyfriend about it.
Explain to him that there was nothing going on between this friend and you regret keeping it a secret.
Your boyfriend needs to understand that this other guy isn't a threat and is just a friend. You are entitled to be friends with who you like.
I bet he has female friends who he talks to too. Stick up for yourself a bit and let him know that you have every right to have friends too.
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