A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I don't usually do this but I got to summarise this and get an unbiased opinion. I will try my best not to be biased and favour myself. Ok, where do I begin?I hooked up with this girl about 3 years ago when I was about 19 at a pub, we saw each other for a while, then drifted apart.She then got a boyfriend and we didn't speak to each other. Not because I was upset, just that we had moved on and had no real emotional attachment to each other.Then all of a sudden she started talking to me on msn, she came and met me for my birthday when I was at work, and that was that. I didn't think anything of it. I work as a web developer so I am often on msn at work, anyways I was a bit behind some of the tasks I had to do so I didn't use it. She then sent me a private message on facebook asking if I was snubbing her? I thought this was a bit odd so I said I wasn't and had to get some work done, hence not being on msn.Anyways, she calls me out of the blue wanting to go out for a drink, I tell her I have already organised going out with some mates to have a few beers and play xbox and said she was more than welcome to come, which she accepts. Anyways, we started flirting and getting touchy after we had both had a few drinks, which ended when her bf picked her up from the house.The next day me and my mates had a bit of a laugh about it and thought nothing of it, I wasn't going to pursue anything, as I don't pursue women that are attached. Anyways, I think I spilled a drink on her phone that drunken night, so she had to buy a new one, and only had a few numbers, and could remember or somehow knew mine. She then msged me on Saturday night when I was out at another party that she had a sexual dream about me. This is when things got serious.She then came round the next day and things got a bit out of hand, she said she couldn't stop thinking about me, and that she always thought I was hot. Anyways, we went to 3rd base. She then had to pick up her bf and his friends. We then organised for her to sleep over the following Friday and went the whole way. She felt guilty and broke up with her bf a week later, which is when I started sleeping at her place and it pretty much turned into just sex, we didn't expect emotions to get involved. Her ex was lousy in bed, and apparently I was great, so she didn't mind me coming over much.Anyways, time passed and we fell for each other. She told me I was her first love, and she was genuine. This was awesome to hear. The feelings were mutual. I had 4 girlfriends prior to her, but never felt so strongly about anyone before.This is when I became silently Jealous. This girl is stunning, all my work colleagues, friends and guys when I am out with her all comment about how good looking she is. I am not kidding when guys are coming up to her ALL the time. I didn't tell her as I didn't want to seem insecure, but damn it was frustrating. Walking through the club/bar people would wolf whistle or glare obviously. I would be hooking up with her at the end of the night and people would interrupt to ask her to dance, or just try and pick her up. This should have been the first sign, where I should deal with my insecurities and trust her.Things were good for a couple of months besides that, til I started getting annoyed she was still hanging out with her ex. I knew nothing was going on between them, they were just friends, well she considered him just a friend (they had zero sex life when together - so I knew there was no physical attraction, more companionship). I suspected that he wanted to get back with her, but knew she wouldn't. Anyways, she didn't want to hurt his feelings so would never say she was dating someone else. This meant at her birthday I had to act like a friend when they were nearby, this was very frustrating as by this time I had fallen head over heels for her.Time passed and I complained more and more about how she refused to tell her ex. Anyways, she said she wanted a break to think, because I had become very annoying going on and on about it, which meant not spending NYE with me as previously planned but with her friends from uni, which included other guys. She then tells me the next day in the hotel room she cuddled one of the guys to make it 'easier' to get to sleep. I really loved her and let this slide as much as I could, but I was hurt. Anyways, a few days later she surprises me and comes round in the morning, we go at it like rabbits and everything is back to normal, except she still wont tell her ex.She then tells me that she wants to keep me separate from her university friends, as they do not like me as I tend to get a bit out of control when I drink. They take pills and don't really have the patience for it and I tend to go off the deep end, and am known for doing crazy/stupid/annoying shit. The first few times I was with them I was too over the top, but once I found out they did not like the behaviour I settled down completely. The times we went out after that everything was fine. This did not last, and she soon told me she didn't want me to be there when she goes out. I few weeks later I break up with her. She came to pick me up after a work function, and then told me to hurry up as she was going to see her ex at work. I was completely pissed off, I left the work function (drinking in a mansion, in a spa til 2am - awesome) early as I hadn't seen her for a week and wanted to chill out, then to find out her ex (who she had seen a few days earlier) wanted to do something, and she chose him, this made me feel insignificant. I told her I felt like I was not her top priority, and since I had always placed her at the top of mine it was unfair, she was always making sure her ex was happy, but not me. Two days later she calls me saying she does not want to break up, so I go round to hers and things go back to being great. She tells me she will tell him and I feel fine.She then tells me the next day she is going to hang out with this dude (the guy she had cuddled on NYE), which I was worried about but did not want to show my distrust. I had to trust her. So I said it was fine.The next day I stupidly complained about her friends. I said it was bullshit and I hated her hanging out without me all the time, I didn't mind if she wanted to see them occasionally, but she chose them over me ALL the time. She would never choose to hang out with me and my friends over them, every festival, saturday night they would get preference. We then got in an argument, and she then said she was going to the guy mentioned above house again! I kept my cool.The next day she told me that the day prior she had checked him out when he was changing his shirt, which I got upset at but tried not to lose myself. She then went to work that day and the next day, but kept talking about how she was planning on seeing a movie with this dude and hanging out with him more and more (at the gym, etc). They talked ALL the time, on msn, by sms, literally all the time. She said she clicked with him and I should just relax and stop worrying so much as it was possible for her to have a friend without wanting to engage. She had a point, if a guy is attractive, it's not unusual to have a look, at least she told me about it. I should trust her, and not worry so much. I talked to her on Thursday after she finished work and she said that the guy wanted to go shopping on Friday, I fucking hate shopping so wouldn't want to be in his place, but it shat me right off. Apparently he just smsed saying we are doing something on Friday, and she said ok. I wish it was that easy for me, I have to make a booking with her before I can see her. She never spontaneously comes over anymore, she has put more effort into talking and seeing this guy, than she ever did for me. She puts this down to how I am always complaining about everything, and she needed a more relaxed person to be with. She then tells me I shouldn't worry.The next day (today) shit hit the fan. She told me she had a 'sexy' dream about that dude, this was prior to going out with him shopping. I went ape shit, I could not believe it. I lost it completely. Told her how she never cared about how I felt about anything, she wouldn't ever do anything about them. I said I felt uncomfortable with them hanging out, but of course knew that wouldn't stop her as she has never listened to me. The argument somehow changed to me complaining about everything and my insecurities, and that I should just trust her. Seriously, it's the same shit that happened to her ex. I don't know if this is Karma, but it's totally fucked up.I know she was genuine when she said she loved me, and I was her first love, but it doesn't feel like it anymore. I don't mean to complain, but I feel I have valid points but this doesn't seem to matter. I am just told I am always whining and should trust her and let her do whatever she wants pretty much. However, I know if I was doing the same to her, seeing a girl I thought was hot ALL the time, non stop contacting her, every waking moment organising to do something with them (while struggling to find a few hours in the week to see my gf) and then telling her I dreamt about her sexually. If I did that, any girlfriend would be out of their mind and tell me to stop seeing them, atleast not so often, which, being a good boyfriend, I would. I put her above all others, but with her it's lucky if she puts 1 second of thought into me. When I say I put her above all overs, I still do my own thing (surfing (a lot), watching movies with friends and going out with them) but would always consider her. Anyways, she just thinks I am complaining and should chill out, but how can I? I can't help but feel how I am feeling.I don't know what to do. I really love this girl and would do anything for her, but she struggles to do anything for me. Is it unrealistic to tell her to stop talking to/seeing this guy? With my other girlfriends I never had to bring up an issue like these. If I do with her it always turns into my fault. I want to be with her forever, I really do as it's what my heart is telling me, but I don't know if we are compatible. I think maybe I have insecurity issues and should trust her more, but there has to be a point where it isn't just jealous/insecurity but generally being worried.Thanks for any help.
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a break, at work, broke up, drunk, facebook, flirt, her ex, insecure, jealous, msn, sex life, third base, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2009): Update:Well, I wanted to see her on Sunday, just to end things instead of via sms and maybe on a better note. When she wanted to see me last Sunday, I went to her house asap.Well, she slept over at that guy's house on Saturday night, where she probably fucked him, which she would have done regardless if we were going out or not. She didn't give a fuck about me as discussed earlier. Anyways, this dude lives right near me, she couldn't take the time to drive to mine, which would have taken her 30 seconds.I can't believe I saw myself with this girl forever.She is the definition of selfish and heartless.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2009): Thanks guys for taking the time reading that, it really reassures with me the decision I took. My friends have been telling me to end it for so long now cause of the way I get treated, but I have never loved someone so much, so I kept dealing with it.I was supposed to go to her house after work today, but of course she told me she wasn't home yet and she would call me when she was. It just took too long, she wasn't picking up her phone and only replying to smses. So I broke up with her via sms. Basically just saying, yet again im not a priority, it's over. I assume she was at that guy's house and did not want to see me.I am going traveling to Japan for over a month in about ~15 days, least I will be single. Out of the 5 girlfriends I have had, one was asian and three were eurasian lol! So hopefully this trip will turn out well and I can forget about her and move on.I rang all my friends then and they are very comforting, saying I can just enjoy Australia day more being single as I have an dnb event on that day. I just hope I can enjoy myself and take my mind off her.Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (23 January 2009):
This is just how she is. She loves drama and she loves having guys after her and she flits from boy to boy to keep that feeling there.
She cheated on her ex, so it's likely she'll cheat on you. She can't resist temptation.
Sorry mate but if you go out with a girl because she acts like this with you, then what makes you think she's suddenly going to stop and become a nice girlfriend?
You can either put up with the fact that she is a very flirty, very physical girl who may go off with other guys... or you can save yourself the heart ache and end it now before it gets any worse.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, lovesalias  +, writes (23 January 2009):
 I think that you know the answer. If you can live with her putting her friends first then go for it but I think you should respect the way you feel and tell her that if she is going to continue to be inconsiderate and thoughtless with her actions then you can not be with her. Stick to it and give her some time to grow up. She is seeing this other guy I hope you would recognize that. Just because she tells you everything doesn't mean that she tells you everything! Look up her astrological sign and read about her signs characteristics. At least it will give you some insight and maybe some understanding of her actions and attitudes. Look up yours too to see if it matches. I wish you all the luck in the world! I hope this helps!
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