A
female
age
30-35,
*0g1k@hotmail.com
writes:Me and my boyfriend just moved in with each other a couple of months ago. Its mostly going great, just one small problem. About 1 - 2 nights during the week my boyfriend goes out alone and drinks with his friends. And this really upsets me for some reason. He usually sees them on the weekends as well but i will go with him. I just hate to be away from him. I work quit long hours during the day so at night is the only time i really get to spend time with him, so i get really upset when i come home and he isnt here, especially if he spends the whole night at one of his friends houses. I dont want to be really unreasonable and controlling but i just cant help feeling a little upset. It just feels like he puts his friends first. He says that he will spend the night with me but as soon as he gets a txt from his mates hes out the door. Is it unfair of me to be upset? I mean i do want him to be happy.
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (23 June 2010):
From a male point of view, this is the sort of thing that scares us. You are being unreasonable, because he's only going out twice a week, sometimes not even that. What you need to do is look at why you're so insecure about him going out. Why is it that you can't stand him to be away? Are you insecure? Do you have your own friends that you can go out with? These are the things you need to address. Couples are allowed time apart, and you also have to remember that he is still a young man and will want a social life. Make sure that the time you spend together is quality time, and make sure you have your own social life. You don't want to be the isolated girlfriend who becomes more and more dependent on her boyfriend. You want to have your own life as well.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (23 June 2010):
 What about your friends? How often do you see them?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2010): you know queenkatie had some excellent insight. and all couples ARE different. i was talking to an acquaintance just last week and we both got married the same month of the same year. so both of us will be married 28 years this fall. she was saying that they had never spent a night apart....
i could not tell you how many nights we've spent apart but it is a lot. i didnt think anything about it, because it works for us. i have always taken the kids to church camp a couple of different times thru the summer for a week. he had a job once where he spent one night a week on the road...when out older children got married and started their families i visited them and he couldnt always get off work and go...or afford to.
when my twin granddaughters were born i spent 5 weeks there at my sons. i was 8 hours from home and i hated it but they needed me. the last week hubby was there too...
when my daughter who lived 15 hours away had her son i spent weeks there also.
and now he has a new job where he will work 24 hour shifts as an EMT. so he will be gone a couple nights a week. and to be honest i am kind of looking forward to it. *dont tell him*
that works for us and yet the other couple needed the togetherness. the security of being together at bedtime everynight.
make it work for you...you will have to or this relationship is over before it gets good and started. good luck, mal
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2010): I understand how you feel, because I used to be a little like that too. In my case, it was an abandonment thing stretching back to my childhood - I felt deeply upset whenever my guy wasn't there, because it reminded me of a really bad time in my past. One thing I've grown to realize over the years, though, is that not everyone wants that closeness: some guys need their own space at least some of the time, and that's not a reflection on your worth or the health of your relationship. They just need some breathing space and they feel a bit choked without it. Bizarre though it sounds, pulling them closer to you can actually push them away.
So I do think it's reasonable that your boyfriend spends some time with his friends. One night a week is really quite normal. Two, for me would be quite a lot if you live together and both work, but plenty of other couples would still be very comfortable with that.
However, it sounds like at present this happens in a highly spontaneous fashion - you think that you're spending an evening together, he gets a text, and he heads out the door. If that is the case, it's really quite rude and inconsiderate behaviour on his part, and I imagine the suddenness of it is contributing to your feelings of upset and panic.
It would be better if this was a planned and regular arrangement - that on Friday nights, both of you go out separately with your friends, but Saturday night is spent together as a couple. This would give you a chance to make plans with your own friends or to join a club or society on the night when he is out. Instead of sitting at home at a loose end feeling abandoned, you'd have a chance to do something you like with the time, or learn new skills. If such regularity isn't desirable or possible, you could come to an arrangement where nights out are planned a few days in advance, which would have the same effect.
I suggest sitting down and talking to him about how you feel. Tell him that you love him greatly and feel panicky and upset without him, but that you understand that he needs his own space and that it's important for him to see his friends. Explain that if the arrangements with friends were more planned, you'd not only feel more comfortable but would be able to make plans of your own. Ask if the whole thing can be formalized a little more to allow you to feel comfortable and settled without him. He might be a little bit resistant at first, if he's not usually the type to be organized and make arrangements in advance, but hopefully he's kind and understanding enough to value your happiness and realize that this is a perfectly reasonable request.
Also, try to learn to enjoy the time that you have by yourself. Believe me, I know how weird and hard that sounds when you just feel lonely around the house, but there is a more positive side to it. Actually this could be a chance for you to meet new people and learn new skills that may broaden your horizons in all sorts of ways. Use it as an opportunity to take up that hobby, or develop that talent, and fulfil some of your dreams! Smart guys love women who have depth, strength, character, and skills, and are absolutely intrigued by us when we show drive, independence, and ambition. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Caresha  +, writes (23 June 2010):
Hi there,
it is one or two nights out of 7 nights, right? The majority he still spends the nights with you.
What about you? Do you have any friends you like to talk to/meet/spend time with without your guy?
Why not try to arrange one or two nights a week where you both do something with your friends seperately?
He will need this space in future, there is nothing you can do about that. And if you show him that you do not like it it might become a huge problem ... he might feel trapped and/or the need to lie to you!
He is just hanging out with friends! It is not like he is putting them first. I bet he spent a lot more time with them before he met you! He is putting them second now!
Try understanding him and that he needs that space. It does not mean that he does not want to be with you.
If you are able to calmly and without any accusation/critisism ask him about this, then go ahead and ask him what it is that makes it fun and why he loves going out without you. But only if you are ABSOLUTELY sure that it is only to help you understand and will NOT turn into an accusation!
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