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female
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anonymous
writes: Hello All,My partner, who I met just before he went in Prison in December '05, will be released in August this year, and will then come to live with me and my family (Parents and Adult Brothers).I know for a fact he has had a history of drug addiction and because of his wide, problematic criminal history, has had to take precautions for his safety. He himself told me before we became involved about his drug addiction and mentioned there were a few threats in the past (Not related to drugs)As he is coming to live in my house with my family, I strongly believe it's only fair that he should tell me everything about the most two important topics to me as they may affect mine and my family's wellbeing- his Drug addiction and threats to his safety.With his drug addiction, (Which he said he is managing as he has been on the methadone programme for two years, but only because I recently asked again, remembering he told me about the methadone when we first met in passing!!) He has dropped his methadone intake quite considerably, with the view to be clean by the time he gets out. I know he is hurting physically, but he said he didn't want to tell me because I would worry (I would) and tell him not to suffer, but he said he wants to do it to show me how committed he is to me and to live a normal lifestyle. With precautions, when I again asked him on the phone he simply said "I'll take care of you."Any other topics from his past are not that important to me as I know a bit about them already and they don't directly affect us or my family yet I think these two topics are extremely important as they could affect the safety and wellbeing of my whole family and it's simply a matter of respect to tell me before living with us. .He on the other hand, believes 10 minute telephone calls and letters aren't the right time and place. (I haven't visited him yet as I am interstate). He believes he would never hide anything from me and is prepared to answer my questions about any topic from his past, and he also said he wants to tell me every single thing about him voluntarily as soon as he gets out and tell my parents things too, to give them the respect they deserve... Yet I feel his attitude is irresponsible telling us "After the fact." It may be too late then!!I know he loves me deeply, and would be totally devastated if I ended the relationship, and he has said so. I don't want to end the relationship as I love him dearly but I feel he is being completely selfish withholding information partly so he doesn't lose me (He said this was one reason he did). I'm worried about anymore doozies that he comes out with too. It's like I’m in a catch 22. He doesn't want to tell me because I'll worry like I do, but I would rather know and worry than not know or know when it's too late! In my heart and for my own self respect I feel I have to offer him an ultimatum - either tell me the truth now or it's over. I know it will kill me. I'm under no illusion that life will be a complete bed of Roses but anything else that comes our way we can handle, but these two problems of Drugs and Precautions are important to me to know and I told him that before we even got involved romantically, so it's not as if I’m just mentioning it now. In response to that, he said we've only been going out for a while and was planning to tell me once he got out, but I responded that he was coming to live with us even when we were just friends, so therefore it doesn't change the dimension of me needing to know as a show of respect and courtesy!!!!Our relationship has moved pretty quickly in the past couple of months, and I am certain he is the one for me. He has even mentioned marriage when he gets out, so it's looking to be quite serious. He has never had anyone he can rely on even when he was little and he told me everyone has always lied to him, and anyone he loved he has lost, and he has said he is scared of losing me. He has said that he will never do anything that will keep us apart in the future once he is out. Also, He calls me and writes to me every day so I know how he feels towards me, but this issue is causing strain and inner turmoil to myself. I'm trying to be strong for him, but it's like I'm doing all the compromising.I again asked him today when we were discussing the issues if there is anything I need to be worried about once he gets out? and he said there was nothing at all. That he was not a paranoid person (about previous threats). I myself believe there are no longer threats, but he could have at least told me that, instead of nothing!!He can't seem to open his mind to the fact that although he is adamant the phone isn't the right time to tell me, I said there wil never be a "Right time" and he needs to put pen to paper and write to me. He writes every day and i get two letters a week, each 7 pages long saying how much he loves me, which I adore, but that also proves he is capable of writing about what I need to hear about too, not just what he wants to say. He is selfish in that respect. It feels like as long as he knows he has me when he gets out, then that's all that matters. The irony is if he doesn't tell me the things I need to hear, he won't have me anymore!!I would appreciate anyone else's view. It would mean a lot as maybe you guys can understand better where I, he or both of us are coming from.Thanks, Amanda Irene________________________________________
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female
reader, smeedle  +, writes (18 February 2006):
 Do not move this guy into your home, he should go into a hostel where he will be around trained staff who will monitor him, keep him safe and help him continue his re-habilitation.
You do not know him, you are putting at risk your preciouse family for someone you know nothing about and lets face it owes you no loyalty.
You say he loves you deeply, he has not known you long enough in the real world, you only know him through letters and visits, drug users will tell you anything and they are very convincing.
You are also putting yourself at risk, if he was an IV user then he may have shared works, he may have hep B or C, he may have HIV can you take that risk, he also may have drug dealers after him, this is seriouse as I have seen first hand what dealers owed money will do to someone and to anyone who gets in there way.
When someone is in prison things are different for them, they are in a lonely place and count the days until they come out, he will want to be "clean" he will want to come out to you the person who has kept him sane and supported him but come on get real the reality will be far different than both of you realise, he will have no money, no friends unless they are drug users, he will have no job and nothing but time on his hands, he maybe on probation so may still be getting help but he will soon resent you as you will him.
My advice is that if you feel you love him so strongly then ask him to move into a hostel and visit him daily, then when you know each other and trust him more you can have him stay weekends with you, you need to give him space to get over comming out clean as most users re-use witin the first month of release from prison as the reason they became drug users has not been addressed and they still need a structured enviroment in order to move on and stay clean, being with you will not help with this despite what he tells you and you believe.
Sorry if this is harsh and hard to hear, but if he loves you like he says he will move to a hostel and have a steady relationship instead of the full on pressure of living together and staying off drugs.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2006): I think you are taking on a huge risk with this guy. You hardly know him and he has a negative history i.e drugs, prison. I do not think It will be a wise thing to bring him into the home. You are also questioning this yourself because your instinct is telling you NO. Listen to them.
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