A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My bf and i have had alot of problems over the years due to him making profiles on sex/dating sites as well as social networking sites and craigslist. He also has spoken sexually with women on the net. He is finally shaping up, but im starting to feel as if ive given up. My love is fading. Im pushing myself to stay for our children. The past few days i have just started crying. Ive been skeptical about us working out. He has been wonderful lately, and has given me every reason to trust him. But i dont. I love him deeply, but ive been so hurt ovr the coarse of 3yrs. How do i go about learning to trust him again? Our sex life is good, i just dont trust him. Ive decided if he ever does it again im leaving. Ive just been miserable lately. Is it too late or can i salvage our relationship?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2012): I think you need to leave him already and move on. You can't trust him, and for good reason. In fact I would advise you NOT to trust him. it's easy for him to tell you he loves you, and to buy you flowers and do nice things around the house for you. But then the minute your back is turned he's back on those sites? that's being hypocritical.
furthermore, the damage to you has already been done. He could be changed now as far as not getting on those sites anymore (though even that is highly skeptical, people don't just change so quick just like that). But the damage has already been done, you already have lost feelings, those feelings can't ever be brought back as if nothign ever happened.
Don't try to suppress your mistrustful feelings. Those feelings are there for a reason. It's your survival instinct working, to keep you safe from people who are harmful to you like betraying your trust. and wouldn't you agree that your boyfriend is 'harmful' emotionally to you even though he also does nice things for you?
True love is not just about doing nice things for your partner, it's also about NOT doing harmful things to them!! lots of people dont' seem to understand this and think that doing some nice things can erase all the harm they have done to their partner over the years. And the suffering partner also mistakenly believes that there's something wrong with them that their partner is now doing nice things yet they can't seem to have feelings anymore. And then the hurtful partner turns around and blames the suffering partner for not having feelings or trust.
If he's truly changed well I say that's great and good for him for becoming a better person, and he should stay changed so he can go on to treat his NEXT girlfriend better and have a sound relationship with her and she can fully trust him since she would be starting from a clean slate never having been damaged by him. So, let him go. Commend him on his changed ways, but let him go. You can't trust him, but maybe someone else will be able to who hasn't been hurt and betrayed by him.
I think it's just unreasonable to expect you to trust him again no matter how good his behavior is now. you can stay with him, but realize you won't ever fully trust him. If you're fine with living like that, and he is fine with you never fully trusting him, then it can work.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2012): Go with your gut instinct, you said point blank you don't trust him, so what is the point in giving things another try if you're going to be miserable the whole time wondering if and when its happening again.
Without trust there is no foundation for a stable relationship, love alone can't hold a relationship together, that's just one of the bonds.
Its not worth staying together just for the kids either, because they will pick up on the miserable atmosphere, and if you're not happy they won't be happy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2012): Thank you so much you guys. I have been thinking about it since I found out about some girls on myspace he talked to last month(5/15) but I only found out 2 days ago. We had rekindled things June 10th, but its not like we werent together, he had just decided that he wanted to make it work. So of course I agreed but then found out about this, and I can honestly say if I had known before I would have left him, and not rekindled things. He is putting his best foot forward now, and he actually is trying and he seems like he cares about me and is taking everything very seriously. even when I talk to him about my insecurities(which he hates! But he caused them...) He just supports me.He's been doing nice gestures he says its because he wants me to know how much he loves and appreciates me, hes saving money so we can go on a nice date. But those things are all superficial, what counts is the actions hes taking as far as not creating profiles and talking to other women. He has deleted all of his accounts given me his passwords, and told me to change them if I want or delete them, given me total access to everything I want to know all the questions I have. Its painful but hes up front about it. He keeps saying how he wants us to be able to move past it one day, no matter how long it takes so we can get married. He says he will go to couples couselling with me if I want to and has really been showing me hes serious. I just am praying that its not a temporary thing. Hopefully this will be forever. I do love him, I think my feelings are fading because of how hurt I am, because I had to find out about him talking with another person on craigslist (early on in june around june 8th- he talked to her may 31st) and he got pictures and had jerked off to them. It just hurts Ive tried to always put my kids and his needs before mine, Ive carried his children, and I just feel like he owes it to me to be faithful and care about me and if it turns out he can't then I'm gone.You have to realize Ive done him wrong too. He has been speaking with women and creating profiles on sex sites/talking to women almost since the beggining of our reationship. So in August of last year I did something I never thought Id do. I sexted with a guy whose number I got off craigslist, I sent him pictures of me and my bf. I know it was wrong and would take it back in a heart beat, I just wanted him to feel the same hurt, and guess what? He broke up with me and said I had done so much worse. I felt terrible and, I was depressed it made me mad, and sad that he would break up with me when he had done the same things as far as getting pictures talking to them sexually but he did it countless times. We got back to gether, but he ended up breaking up with me in december as well, to date someone else. So I slept with someone else to try to forget about him and everything we had that I wouldnt be getting back. Well after I slept with this guy, he stopped hanging out with the girl he wanted to date (he never did date her or even sleep with her) He told me he wanted me back that we could start over, so we did, but then kind of dumped me a week later but said he wanted to work on things. He dumped me because he couldnt get over that I slept with someone else. I just dont understand though, we were broken up and he will hang both those things over my head, always. Its just very hypocritical. so now I know that if he does the same things again I just have to leave, because he wouldnt deal with it, so why should I?But like I said hes been very sweet and truthful as of now, he is really turning himself around. I should say that I actually went to couselling for well over 6 months after I sexted that man. I also gave him(my bf) all my passwords to everything, openly as well as deleting my facebook ( I sent the guy I slept with while we were broken up one messege though facebook) so he told me to delete it. I know I have done wrong too, I'm not innocent in this, but Its just so complex. I think I am just emotionally exhausted with everything we have been through. But Im willing to give it on last go, he gave me a chance so I think I can give him one too.
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A
female
reader, MissTellAll +, writes (6 July 2012):
 If he does it again you should leave him. And if you have lost all feelings for him, you shouldn't stay with him just for your children. I know kids have a hard time grasping these sorts of things, but when they get older they'll be happier seeing a mother who isn't in a loveless relationship.
All of that being sad, I do believe people have a capacity to change their ways. It will take a very long time for you to trust him again because that trust was violated. I think you can make it work if you really want to be with him. If it gets to the point where you just have no feelings then there's your answer.
Best of luck to the two of you and your children.
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A
male
reader, Jaydilla11 +, writes (6 July 2012):
Its not too late but i can tell you from experience that you might have to give yourself some space from him. Whatever that means its what it means lol.. you might have to just give yourself some time to think things through and make sure you want to do this just think about it really hard before you make any decisions, we all make mistakes in life and im sure your boyfriend is a really great guy but we all make mistakes and have our bad habits trust me i have them also.. So good luck with your decision i know you will make the right one
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