A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been in my relationship for over 5 years now and now we are engaged. The problem I am having is we argue constantly. I screwed up in the past and had this front where I was very sexually experienced, which was false I was a virgin. She never knew that I had lied until about a year and a half in when I came clean to her and told her the truth. I thought that this was a big moment and that I was taking a huge step and being honest and I thought that it would be a thing that would give her a sigh of relief, but I was wrong. She was pissed, she felt betrayed that I had lied to her.In the beginning of our relationship I was not a very nice person. I did not treat her the way you should treat your girlfriend that you care about. We were friends before we started dating and I treated her like a buddy instead of a girlfriend. I talked about other girls (I know its awful), I belittled her, I looked at porn (which I lied about, she is very against this and she caught me later). Overall I was a jerk and she should have left me back then, but she didn't.When we started dating we both didn't think this was going anywhere. A year in I fell for her. She said she always felt like she loved me sort of a love at first sight thing but that she never thought we were going to be a couple for more than a fling. I changed my ways I quit being a jerk for the most part (however I am naturally one by nature I dont like many people at all). I started to treat her better, I came clean about my lack of past experience, I fell in love with her. The problem is I damaged her trust in me and I have been trying to earn it back for years.She became more mean overtime, she used to be sweet. I asked her about it a few times and she says I made her that way, which immediately makes me feel terrible. She has a bad past with men before me and hates men for the most part. She goes on these rants about men being evil and says that I used to be like that but I'm not anymore but she still lumps me in with evil.Like I said we are over 5 years in now and we are engaged now. We have really good times and really really bad times. We will go a few days without fighting now and be great, but then something sets her off and she brings up all the past stuff constantly. She always says I cheated on her (because of the porn stuff). I am very against cheating and would never cheat with anyone ever. My parents got divorced because of cheating and it destroyed me when I was younger. I dont consider looking at porn cheating. And she knows how bad that makes me feel when she says that and it always leads to arguments because I say I didnt she says I did. I know I lied but I didnt cheat on her.I know that I did this stuff and its my fault for a lot of it, but I really have changed a lot since we started dating. I am much more sensitive now and the fact that we fight so much kills me and I feel awful anytime she brings up the past stuff, but I cant change the past. All I can do is improve myself and make sure I am honest going forward. She is much better than me as a person. She used to be kind, loving, and a selfless giving person. Now she is angry, depressed, and mean. I still love her and like I said she says I made her that way. I tried to give some info about us so you can understand a little to help.I am not a wonderful person by any stretch but I love her. When I care about people I am always there. I am an extremely loyal person and I am nice and loving to those I care about. I do not claim to be a saint but am I really an awful person that destroyed her?She was battling depression before we started dating and she got much better for a while and in the last year it started getting bad again, which just makes us fight more.My question is what can I do to fix this? Is it too late for us? Please help me
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (18 August 2014):
 You need to sit her down and have this chat. Tell her what you told us. But also tell her these are the problems you identified and by no means a reflection of that making her a bad person and she probably can list the problems she has with you. But what ever the problems are you both can either agree to fix it and move forward and not consistently have arguments as the past is rehashed is some form or the other.
If you both cannot do this then you guys need to re-evaluate a life together. Tell her you speak from the heart that you would love for this relationship to work but if she cannot let go of past and enjoy the present, its almost accepting the marriage is over before it even started.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 August 2014):
 I suggest you let her read what you wrote on here. Theres a lot of "she knows how this makes me feel", yet it is rare that people can read minds. Even when you think it is obvious. Tell her what you told us/wrote on here. Communication is the key to working things out.
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