A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been married to my husband for 8 years now ,I am 36 and he is 47...the marriage has not been smooth sailing ...we have 2 children ....I am thinking of leaving the marriage because i am tired of trying to make it work ...we both have jobs but my husband wastes his money a lot ..he ends up spending on the smaller bills and drinking alcohol and buying useless material things , on ther hand my job that pays me 20%of his salary ...I save and get to buy the things i feel should be his responsibility ..like a car, land ,I have made the building plans and I am about to begin building (we live in a house owned by his dad so we don’t pay rent) ...he drinks every single day ...the other day I come from travel and found that he had put dreadlocks in his hair ....I don’t want to sound unreasonable but while I am worrying about how to provide for the family , my husband is busy living like a teenager...3 years I made a business that he run down ...I would have left along time ago but the fear of doing it alone ...and my job is contractual so it can end any day ...and right now I am able to save because he handles some bills ...,I might not be able to save much ..what broke the camels back is the hair..,we are African American and dreadlocks in our culture are plaited when you are younger ,which he did or for unserious people .I am even failing to mention it to anyone because it’s unbelievable..lastly everyone thinks his a good person so it is hard for me to explain that I am leaving him because people believe o have it easy ...with the drinking habits ,intimacy is wanting ...I should talk about my weaknesses too ...being abit younger I am all over place ,energetic,and strict ....i also was unemployed for like 5yrs be4 the marriage so I tend to worry and work harder ....I feel like I am babying him ...and I wi regret it later and should leave ...on communication with him, he seems to understand but doesn’t change
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2021): You are mothering him, all you need to add to the mix is burping him, breast feeding him and putting him to sleep. He is not a man. Not compared to a real man who can make decisions and take responsibility. He might be ok for some lazy, unemployed woman with not much to offer but not you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2021): Filing for a divorce is one of those things you have to decide when you feel it is financially-feasible and practical. You have a child; so the decisions you make will affect the child as well as yourself. We can't tell you to divorce your husband not knowing either of you, or the financial impact it will have on you and your child. From what you've explained claim, it seems a divorce is inevitable.
Being a party-drinker combined with being a spend-thrift are as bad as being unemployed. You're always on the brink of financial-disaster, if one of you loses a job. Your financial situation couldn't be much different if you divorced him. If he loses his job, you're left supporting the family anyway. He doesn't contribute much as it is. You may as well be a single-mother collecting his child-support. I hope your family courts are good about child-custody and child-support. As far as the child is concerned; lawfully, he should still help you financially to support his kid. Seems you'd do no worse than you are now, if you did divorce him. Only no more free rent! You need to renegotiate how bills are paid, and make it more evenly split. If you don't say anything, or you're wishy-washy; it's no wonder he takes advantage. If you don't press or insist, he will pay only the bare minimum.
You've purchased land, I assume you plan to build on it. If you feel financially secure enough to keep-up the property taxes, and have enough saved to build on it; you've pretty much proven you can support yourself. You live rent-free, due to his family's contribution; so that's why he's so carefree with his own money. Push comes to shove, and you're forced to divorce him; you might have to sell the land, and look for a place to rent. Buying or building a house doesn't seem practical; until you know the final outcome of your marriage. At least it's not an abusive marriage or that he never works. The main problem is he's financially irresponsible. He further complicates things with being a drinker who wastes his money on booze and toys. The hair issue is the least of your problems.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2021): It seems odd to me that a change in his hairstyle should precipitate your desire to separate.
Perhaps it runs deeper than the hair and you feel you are being taken for granted by him.
Possibly it would be a good idea to talk to him about your future expectations and try to have a conversation about where his money goes.
If you feel he is just using you this should become apparent when you have that chat.
Why not suggest he covers more of the household bills if you are to stay together?
In fact you could present it as an ultimatum by telling him that you can't afford to maintain the relationship as it stands at the moment.
And maybe get your hair done too!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2021): Your married, and two children. He has a drinking problem. Have you asked him to get help of any kind?
Very tough decision to make and consider, when there are children involved. I would ask him to get help with the drinking first, (if you haven't) if he refuses then that's completely unfair for you and your children to see that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2021): I agree with you and what you say makes a lot of sense to someone with my own background and memories. When I was about 20 I got married, I was working very hard in a good job, I also worked evenings in a part time job because we struggled to pay the payments on the house. Husband worked less hours than me, he had no qualifications or skills so earned a lot less anyway, and he spent it like it grew on trees - on the most luxurious things imaginable, despite the fact that we desperately needed a new boiler, new carpets, and new windows we were supposedly saving for. You might say I was stupid to marry someone who was such an obvious loser but at the time I had no choice - and no I was not pregnant, not that stupid. Sometimes he would put in some money into the kitty and then take it out again and put i.o.us in there, and of course never paid them back because he was slipping further and further into the red each week. We had to take in lodgers just so that we could pay the bills. No luxuries. We could not afford a car, holidays and all the usual stuff many take for granted. It did not matter what I said he would not listen or wise up or change. I got another little part time job and saved up secretly. I put it away for a year or so. Then I said to him he must leave - it was my house, I had paid for it, and gave him this money so that he would agree to leaving and not coming back etc. That was more than forty years ago. I now know he lives in a dirty, tatty caravan with lots of debts. I now h ave five houses, a lot of investments, four successful businesses and a lot of savings. I am sure that if I had stayed with him he would have either dragged me down to his very low level or I would have been forever helping him and pulling him up to mine. I was better off single. Now I have a man who is like me, hard working, smart, good with money, and things could not be better. But if I had not met him I would have been better off single. I met a lot of boring, stupid, lazy gold diggers along the way.
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