A
female
age
36-40,
*lapure4
writes:Dear Cupid, I've been in a long distance relationship for almost a year and a half. My boyfriend and I are perfectly made for each other: he's sweet, respectful, caring. We plan to see each other once every 3-4 months and aspire to be in the same state this year, God-willing. It hasn't always been easy, LDR's hardly ever are. And so I'm in the middle of a dilemma. But first, let me give you a recap of how we met. During one New York visit in Sept 2013, we met at a speed dating event (out of all places) and sparked a connection. We planned to meet the following day, but it fell through and I flew back to Atlanta. We stayed in contact and overtime, it lead to a deep connection. He asked me to be his girlfriend a month later, and took me two weeks to figure it out. Despite my reservations about LDR's, the voice inside my head told me to try it out, go with the flow and have fun. Plus, I really liked this guy. Fast forward to today, we have a deep fondness for each other and love deep. He's met my family, I've met his sister and nephew. Before we met, I had always wanted to relocate to New York to try a new state, different culture from the one I had been living in in Atlanta. Plus, I'm a writer/paralegal by trade and those opportunities are limitless in New York. I figured I would be the one to move. So I made plans to search for work in New York to no avail. Nine months later, I haven't found work and it's discouraging. I'm giving it until the end of March this year and if I can't find work, then I told him we'll need to reevaluate this relationship. We've examined various alternatives, including us sharing an apartment, he pay the bills until I can find work. He's financially unprepared to do it as of now, but thinks he can do it in May. That's not even a strong possibility. I asked if he'll be willing to move for me and he's open to it but it'll take much longer for him since he recently started at a new company. I'm a full-time paralegal at my firm, I have a new car and saved money. My parents feel it's best if I remained in Atlanta to buy my own property instead of fishing for work and an expensive apartment in New York. I'm at my wits end over the the distance part and I love this guy but is it time to ditch the relationship and remain friends? Or should I give this relationship more time? Apart of me feels like I'm wasting his time. Any mention of a breakup, he disregards it. We've had our share of ups and downs but it's largely been a great relationship. I'm 28, he's 30 and are in love. He has said before that I'm the one for him and would love to marry me someday and I want the same. I welcome your feedback. Thank you!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 February 2015):
 OH I know how LDRS suck. My husband and i were apart for a year but thankfully we were close enough to drive and see each other frequently (every weekend once we got serious) We planned to do it for a year but we could not bear it so after a year he gave up his apartment of ten years and moved to my home to begin our life together. SEE men do move.... HE lost his job shortly after he moved (he was teleworking and they used his move to let him go) and we made due with unemployment and my job for over 6 months till he found work.
To be honest NY to Atlanta is not a big stretch and why you two don't meet in the middle more often I don't get.... why is seeing each other every 3-4 months acceptable to EITHER OF YOU?
halfway is less than 400 miles (ROANOKE VA). IF I was madly in love with someone and committed to finding out if IRL will work as opposed to LDR I would be meeting with them as often as possible and spending as much time together as possible before making a huge decision.
In addition, Living in NY is VERY expensive. AND very stressful. IF He is willing to move, then let him. Has he asked his company if he can telecommute and just come into the office now and then. My son did that when his fiance moved to Nashville shortly after they got engaged. He was totally prepared to quit his job but they loved him so much (and it was a newish job) they said "you can telework and we won't cut your salary) so my son kept his job, moved to be with his fiance and is living happily ever after.
BUT both my spouse and my son were willing to do anything for love...
I would suggest he be the one to move as NY is very very VERY expensive and hard to make a go of if you have never lived there....
I would also strongly urge him to move to your locale in his OWN apartment so you two can date and spend time together.
first thing you two need to so if you are so committed to making this work however.. is spending MORE TIME TOGETHER
one visit every 3-4 months is not real life and will not let you see the real person.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2015):
I'm a rmn( mental health nurse ) and I have to say that wise owl and Jennie pegs answers are spot on . Love is all an good, but it doesn't keep a roof over your head in a expensive city.
That doesn't mean it can't work . I think you need to go visit him soon and look at the future goal plan togwther . If he loves you and you cant get work near him then that leaves him moving to you. That you up the contact as well . This is your future . You need to be clear and yet loving that you both fix a plan
I hope all goes well baby, take care .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2015): This is just a personal-observation, and has no real research or scientific evidence of any kind to back it up. This is purely anecdotal. Now that I've made my disclaimer, I'll get straight to the point.
Why is it in these long-distance situations that it is usually the woman who has to give-up her career, home, support-system, and close-proximity to her loved ones in the name of love? Somebody please tell me!!!
You have explained in detail how you have taken every sensible-step possible before mindlessly leaping into anything. With mature-foresight and good reasoning in place, I should add; to show him he is a priority in your life. I gather you would make the personal-sacrifice to be near him. The response you get from him is an uncertain "maybe" you can stay with him, until you can find a job. That's half-assed and uncommiited, as far as I'm concerned anyway.
You've worked hard to get where you are now. It doesn't mean you are not portable and adaptable; and it is clear you have considered your options. Your description of his efforts were lack-luster to say the least.
I'm with your parents on this one. Stay planted where you are; unless you find your own means of financial-security when you make such a huge move in your life. You're not just transplanting your physical-body, you're detaching from what you have already built, uprooting your life, and letting go of an established career. There goes your financial-stability. These are things that are very difficult to maintain and replace.
It's wonderful that you love each other, but I'm glad you wrote DC; because you need other opinions to confirm what you already know in your logical-mind and heart. Sometimes love will make us do impractical and self-sacrificial things; only to discover it cost us more than we'd bargained for. A romantic would say throw caution to the wind. A fool would do it.
He just started a new job, so the same applies for him. He has established full-time employment, in New York of all places; where rents are enormous, and jobs are totally hard to come by. The competition for employment is due to droves of people with big hopes and dreams, who move there and hope to make it big. The draw to New York City in particular; which offers so much on an little island that isn't that large. The potential is out of this world, but not everyone can hack it. Sometimes there is a big gap before you reach your goal, that's where many end-up falling between the cracks. It takes endurance and determination, and you have to have patience. Perseverance usually pays off. If you have the metal.
You have to have it on the ball, and be equipped with good survival-skills. That's why they say if you can live in New York, you can live anywhere. Many transplants do, and flourish. They were pursuing a vocational-dream, and that was their main purpose and focus. If it's for love, that is a different ball game. Love will suffer when you are distracted by trying to get your financial-bearings, learn your way around; and readjust to a faster-pace and life-style. No one can say you can't do that, but fledgling-relationships often can't hold-up under the pressure.
You think the LDR is tough, wait until you've got to come-up with the rent, keep up all your bills to maintain your credit-rating, deal with the New York attitude, and travel in the subway with maniacs just waiting to explode.
Assess all the pros and cons, and wait and see what he's willing to give-up for you. It's a two-way situation; and the result should be win-win, not win-lose. Don't under any circumstances place your well-being and financial-support in the hands of any man. You must be on equal-footing, and be ready and able to leave and fend for yourself; if you see any red-flags, or signs of disillusionment. Things are always rosy when you don't have to live with a person 24/7. Absence makes the heart grow fonder; but you don't know a person's real quirks and bad-habits until you're a roommate!
This is by no means meant to take the wind out of your sails, or use scare-tactics to discourage you from making your own decisions. You're a grown-woman, and able to do it all on your own. I'm reminding you to do whatever you decide do with nothing to sacrifice; or make an emotional-investment that will not bring you gains and dividends, or at least break-even. This advice is from the heart, and through my own experience.
I live where I live now; because I left everything behind to be with someone I love. He's dead, but I was always able to fend for myself; and I'm flourishing on my own. I'm sorry I left my home-state and put the distance that was once between him and me, now between me and my family. Whom I adore with every fiber of my being. I gush about people I love all the time. That's the mushy kind of guy I am; but my advice is pretty straight to the point. I know when I'm addressing a very intelligent person. So, I dare not condescend to you.
Follow your heart, but let your brain guide you there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2015): You don't really know someone until you've been with them day in and day out, in person. Now LDR's can work quite well when a couple have been together for a while and then the relationship has to change, but you guys have barely ever met in person. Whilst establishing a connection is feasible, truly knowing someone isn't when you see each other every 3-4 months. Being together 18 months, you realistically met in person 7 times at the most?Is this the guy you want to marry, have kids with, buy a home with, can he be trusted when you're sharing your life - which is home, car, finances....? (Delete as appropriate for your goals!)Neither of you are really actively committed to making the move, he's surely not going to leave a newly set up business in a populated area and come out to you? Do you actually want to be in NY or is just a "kind of" option because he is there?Only you can decide of you're in love with this guy or if he is just familiar now and you've got used to it. I can't see how meeting someone 7 times is enough to base relocating to an entirely new area on, I would be concerned I didn't really know what they were like.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (15 February 2015):
 The times that you met, are fewer than what you can count on your hands. The risk is you may never know the true person he is until you lived with him for some time. You need a strong foundation because you are sacrificing your family and friends to be with him. Being the frugal person I am I would stay. I also like that Atlanta is warm and green at all times of the year. If he wants to marry you then the condition is that he has to be prepared to financially support you indefinitely. You can help with his company. Who knows maybe you could be good business partners as well. It's not time to sever the connection. See what happens in May. It also depends on what kind of business he has. It can be a hit or miss thing, which is not good for marriage. He needs to have a back up plan in case his business fails. Too many variables and uncertainty. I know it's the time to settle down and have kids. You have time until May, just because he's so eager to prove it to you.
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