A
female
age
,
*hazier
writes:Hi, I will keep this as short as i can,it is quite long story.I had to go into hospital, this was approx 4 yrs ago because of my marriage break down, I was suffering from severe depression.I met a guy while i was there, he was also in for depression. His wife had devorsed him not long before i met him which affected him very badly, he also has 2 children, now age 12 and 14, they both live with there mum.We started dating when we both came out of hospital.I moved in with him not long after, i will call him mr x. After 6wks it started to go very wrong. He started to come home from work later than he normally did, didnt speak to me and took sleeping pills half an hr after getting in,and go to sleep for the rest of the night,leaving me alone.At the weekend if he didnt have his children, he would just lay on the sofa watching the tv.I left and went back to my home, i felt so lonely again and couldnt take it any longer even though, I had fallen in love with him.I got back with the mr x a few mths later,but didnt move in with him, it lasted a few weeks and he dumped me,he had found someone eles, who happend to be a lesbian.He said that his kids put him under pressure to start seeing her? I really did love him very much. I was finding it very hard to get over him.I left my house as my ex husband was still living there and we couldnt get on.I moved into a 1 bed flat,as my ex husband was still living in the house. After 12mths, I met another guy who was very loving, conciderate and very genuine.All was going well until Mr x got intouch again. I still had him on my mind and, still had very strong feelings for him. He wanted to see me again and wanted another relationship.I ended my relationship with the other guy and started to date mr x again.He asked me to marry him and we got engaged 2 mths later, after a few mths again, he changed.He stopped coming to my flat and said it was because, he wanted me to move in with him,at that time I didnt want to, he also couldnt stand stopping in my pokey little flat any longer.I only had contact via txt message and he kept telling me he was unwell or had the kids there.That coming xmas we had a holiday booked together, we still went on the holiday which he completly ruined, he told me he was not the person i thought he was or pretended to be, nice,charming, polite and romantic.I didnt know if to take him seriously or not, come new yrs eve he left the club and went to our room 10 min before, the new yr.As stupid as this sounds,I moved in with him a mth after we got back of holiday and had only been there approx 6wks, then bang. He did have a job at the time but, started to have allot of time of saying, he was ill and stayed in bed all day watching the tv,but would get up when i went to bed, to eat and, watch the tv downstairs all night, back to bed in the morning.This went on for 4wks by wich time i had been living there for approx 12wks.Cutting this short,we were meant to be going on holiday later that yr with his children to disney, he dumped me again and asked me to leave,He said he didnt want to be in a relationship with me anymore, he didnt love me and, just wanted to go on holiday with his kids alone.He was rude nasty and very cold. I moved out and went bk to my flat, thankfully I hadnt given it up. I still loved mr x very much? but felt devastated, again.My friend had to pick up the pieces.After approx 5wks I met a friend and started to go out now and again in the evenings to watch bands and have a meal, it was a male friend but, friendship was all it was. I didnt want to date again. Mr x then decided he wanted me back,again i took him back and forgave him. All was going well.He gave up his house and me my flat and we both, moved into my friends house 3mths later as she was giving it up,and passed it onto me, a new start I thought.Things have not been really good.He went on the sick 3mths later for almost 12mths and was then made redundant.This was recent.We dont talk anymore,Ive tried talking about it but,hes not interested and he doesnt seem to want to listen. All he askes is, is it over between us.We dont have a relationship,he used to hold my hand when were sitting watching the tv together, he will give me a quick kiss and a cuddle when we get into bed if, we went to bed together at the same time,he tells me he loves me? Well! that has stopped now to, I stopped responding, i felt like he was just saying it.Most days he stays in bed all morning and has sometimes, stayed there until gone 2pm or 3pm in the afternoon. In May he attempted to take his own life and, again in aug. I was frighten to go to bed incase he did it again during the night. aug he says he does not recall anything about it,he went for a walk and didnt come home, a passer by found him in a field near the road side,not far from the house.he was rushed to the a and amp;e,and was put on a ventalator again. the evidence was there, he had again taken tablets.He still denies to this day, that he didnt take anything.Our relationship has become far worse since this happend, I dont trust that he wont do it again, why would he want to end his life if he was happy with me and loved me?I cant live with mr x like this any longer,I have asked him to leave a few times but always give in to him and let him stay. He tells me he really loves me but, it doesnt feel that way and, i cant even consider marrying this man anymore. I am angry with him all the time because, he does nothng all day and this is causing more problems. I am starting to resent him being here with me.I have asked him to leave again but, i feel so guilty and do, still have feeling for him but, not like I used to and am now doubting if, I love him at all anymore. I certainly dont feel that he loves me and if, this were his house that I was living in, im sure he would of dumped me again and asked me to leave.I am having a go at him all the time because I cant stand living this way anymore.I am starting to get depressed again myself.I have health issues to and find it very hard to cope some days, I have arthritis and a curvature of the spine, but life goes on and I have to grin and bare it,I wont be beaten, he is never well there is always something wrong with him.He says he still loves me. If he still loved me why is it more important to be ill, stay in bed and just watch the tv all the time.We are not intimate anymore and havent been since around April.We are to people that just live together. what should I do, do i still love him? I dont know anymore. I dont want him to go and then regret it, im afraid he might do something to himself, my head is so messed up at the moment and my friend keeps telling me, its time to give up? will he ever change? or is this just the way he is and the realy him.I dont think he loves me anymore or even if he ever has.I know im not easy to live with at the moment because of the situation, i feel angry, lonely and empty. Does he love me or am i just somewhere for him to live.Any advise or thoughts please
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female
reader, shazier +, writes (15 January 2009):
shazier is verified as being by the original poster of the question thank you for that, im here feeling very depressed at the moment, i did do a very foolish thing and let him down to stay for a coulpe of days, mon nite, tues,so he could go to his appointments.
He had 3 all in the same day. But just as a friend for the time being.
he hasnt registered at his mums and these were appointments that he needed to go to.
he lives a good 2 1/2 3hrs hrs away depending on the traffic, first appoint was early at 10.15am 2nd 11.15 and 3rd 3.00 all on the tues. with his history of getting up late i thought at least he wouldnt of missed the 1st appoints.
i called him at 9, again at 9.15 and 9.30 he wouldnt get up, why should i have to keep climbing up and down the stairs, it hurts my back and he knows it does. but hey, it was mine fault, i didnt shout him. but he answered me, says i didnt and i did it out of spite? he got up at 11.00 why would i let him come and stay 2 days? so he could get to the appoints? I told him hes 40 not 4 and im not his baby sitter. He said sorry later, but i felt so hurt that he said it. it was getting late after his 3.00 appoint and i said he could leave on wed.
tues nite we sat had a chat got a takeaway and i also gave him a cuddle. told him that i really wish our relationship would improve but we still need to stop living together for a short while at least.
Hes not happy with that but, says he accepts that there are allot of things that need to change and, he is going to make more of an effort to get back into work, because he loves me,wants to live with me, wants to marry me and make things work, thats is not going to be an over nite thing,and saying what he is going to do and doing it are differant thing.
i will believe it when i see it.
well we had quite a pleasant morning, he got up late again but, not quite as late and gave me some help, cum lunch time he started nit picking about my children,becasue i help them out with money when i sold the house, they havent paid me back yet and it does annoy me but, if i mention to him that its annoying me and that, there not making any attemp at the moment to pay me back, hes calling me a mug and that im stupid.i helped my daughter who was very good to me when i was ill and i lv her to bit,i love all my children, she brought my house and we reduced it for her,so she could get the morgage, she needed extra money for bits and bobs and did promise she would pay me back, im not desperate for it at the moment but have had words, i dont see my self as a mug for helping my children out, yes they should pay me back, but what is going on is not really his concern, yes i have have 3 other children that still owe me, but he shouldnt be causeing rows over my children owing me money, that money is going toward my retirement, its not for wasting and, its not his. hes argued with me becasue my daughter is coming in once a wk to help clean out the cages becasue i struggle with them, i clean the bottoms every days, water and feed them,and yes he did help with this but, hes offended mow becasue ive got the help in once a wk to do the properly. yes he could of helped once a week with this, it takes 20-30 min to change the paper each nite and feed them all.it take almost an hr to do all the toys, perches and the bars of each cage.
Now hes walked out on a bad note and gone bk to his mums, leaving me furious with him but very upset. this was so uncalled for.
I sent him a txt message and ask to let me know he had got home safe, he ddint i had to ring, i was worried.im worried hes going to do something stupid because i told him, I didnt think this was going towork out being friends and that we should call it a day,for both our sakes, im trying to get on with my life and i cant do it while hes, bringing me down all the time.
I am hurting so much, i was doubting my feeling but i wouldnt hurt like this if i didnt love him so, i must do. hes not good for me at the moment i know that. How can i let him go and stop hurting like i am. I cant see further than my nose at the moment, it is making me feel ill.
A
female
reader, shaashiie  +, writes (14 January 2009):
 I think you were right in deciding to take a break. Mr. X sounds very immature and selfish. He may have a mental illness but you cannot be expected to be his mother and his partner and his doctor.
You also have a history of depression, and you need someone who is going to make the quality of your life better. Maybe consider going to a therapist who can work you through this. It is almost always hard to let go of someone, especially when this person has threatened their life because of you and has attempted to carry through on this threat. But in the end this is YOUR life and you need to do what makes YOU happy. Do some soul searching, maybe see a counselor. Turn your phone on silent for a few days and check it every once in a while to see if you've got any important calls, do whatever you think it is you need to do but the important point is to take some time aside for YOU. It will help you sort things out, I'm sure. Don't let yourself be manipulated anymore, you deserve better. Life is short, don't spend it being miserable if you can control the reasons WHY you're miserable.
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A
female
reader, shazier +, writes (10 January 2009):
shazier is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi aunts and uncles.I'm just updating you all on on what's happening at the moment with me and mr x.I am here feeling very, very down, very angry and hurt at the moment. I'm sorry but I feel like I have to get a lot off my chest and really hope you don't mind.Mr x left last Tuesday, I didnt call off the relationship, I explained that I just needed some time to myself and thought, he should do the same before things got any worse between us.I didn't say I didn't want to see him any more, I thought maybe this was best with having such mixed feelings at the moment. I told him that we can stay in contact via text or ring each other.We had talked about things and our situation since my last post, I felt quite shocked when he said the reason for not getting up was so that he didn't have to listen to me. What? I do sometimes tell him of because, he's not doing his fair share of the daily chores, starts jobs on the back garden and then leaves it for weeks, sits and does nothing or is normally glued to the tv.He doesn't work and I also have quite a few pets that need to been seen to. I have to get up, let them out and feed them. I don't what I call nag him, I say what's on my mind and thats it. He always takes offence and sulks.He decided to be a little childish and moved out most of his things including, taking half of the bedroom furniture to pieces and, taking it with him. It took him 3 days to pick up most of his belongings, there is still a few bits here of his but, not much. When I asked why he wasn't just taking his clothes, he said he thought packing most of his stuff would make me say, please don't go? He hadn't paid his way for almost 12 months, when he got some money in October he started to pay towards the bill, the money he gave me in dec he has taken back, I pay the bills at the end of each month for that month, not for the coming month. But he took it and spent almost all of it that same day.Am I wrong in saying that is so selfish of him? I have bills other than household bills that I have to pay, he has been doing the shopping since October but resents the fact that he payed for it since October, I kept him for almost 12 months, he forgets that.We have had contact via text message but he keeps telling me how much he loves me and how hes missing me. I was feeling guilty. I am missing him too, I do ask myself why? I told him last nite that he could come down and see me today. We arranged 12am. I was up bright and early this morning so that I could do my cleaning up sort out the pet, get showered and spend the rest of the day with him.I suffer very much in the morning with my arthritis but still fight to get on with it regardless. I was considering letting him stay until tomorrow, depending on how things went. I rang his mums at 11.45 to see if he was on his way. His brother answered the phone and said he wasn't in, then suddenly changed his mind and said he didn't realize it was me and that he was in? No one else knows he's there apart from me?No he wasnt on his way! He was going to be 3 hours late at least, he had only just got up, another excuse I feel, his dad was arguing with his mum until 5am this morning and he didn't get any sleep. He has spent most of his time in bed since Tuesday just lying and thinking about me according to him.. Am I wrong in saying, I am trying to make an effort for us both to have this time out so we can hopefully become closer and, end all what has been going on over the past few months and getting our lives back on track. Could he not make the effort just this once and get up so he could be here on time or as near as? How can I begin to believe what rubbish he throws at me any more, I just see it as, he's being very selfish and isn't considering how this is affecting me at all. I worry sick about him and that he's ok, why?Well because of his excuse this mornig I have told him not to come down any more and that I'm sick of his excuses and he's been lying to me. Excuse for not getting up was me, now it's his dad's fault.With some of the redundancy money that he got, he bought himself a van not long before xmas and some tools. He wants to start up on his own, he's a builder.How is he going to work if he won't get up out of bed? People don't want building work starting at lunch time, he needs to put the hours in to get a job finished, it's going to take him far too long on 1 job, I wouldn't like a builder here every day if I'd been to work all day and, want to get my families dinner going. This question I have raised many times, again he just sulks and walks away, either go back up to bed to watch a dvd or living room to watch tv.I went through so much last year, May mr x took an overdose becasue he thought he'd lost me, aug, he did it again but can't remember anything about it, september my auntie mary was set alight while she was asleep in a nursing home and died, the care worker who did it was arrested and, is back in court for murder.I had to have my little dog put to sleep due to heart failure in oct, I was devastated, and miss him terribly still.Early dec my uncle the husband of mary died suddenly with a clot, that had got into his bowels, there was nothing they could do, he lived 2 days after being admitted into hospital.I don't know how I have coped with all the stress and upset, but this on top. How long will it be before I break, I really don't want to go back into that black hole that I was in when I had to go into hospital.I'm fighting very hard at the moment and I'm so sorry for going on, I do hope you all understand, I really do need to get this of my chest.Mr x is still texting saying he loves me and missing me, I'm not replying at the moment, I haven't got anything nice to say so best to say nothing I feel he's going to drive me mad otherwise, well no he's not, I'm going to fight this after all I have been through, I know I can get through this.I'm going to try and relax, watch tv for an hour, talk to my birds and cuddles my dogs, not forgetting the cats, she was a stray that moved herself in, she gets her cuddle when I go to bed. yes I do run a mad house, maybe I should start charging for people to come and visit my little zoo. I feel a little better already.shaz
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2009): Dear PosterThank you for the update. It is good to hear you have benefited from the advice given to you. Always remember we are here for you. Sometimes it helps to talk to others.You are hurting and will not be easy but you have survived much worse. You need the time on your own to start paying attention to yourself. Make yourself the first priority in your life. Just to have the burden and the responsibility of your shoulders will help already. Think about positive things, and try not to dwell on negative thoughts. You can still be in contact with him but you both need time out to heal. Find your inner peace and start thinking about your needs; FOCUS on yourself. What will make you happy and ways that you can improve your health? Maybe start thinking about a nice make over or a nice new hobby? Start planning things like that; maybe a big spring clean of the house (just ideas of thoughts). Hope you feel better very soon.Best wishes; lots of hugs and SMILES to you.
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A
female
reader, shazier +, writes (3 January 2009):
shazier is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, yes the advise i have been given has helped,and if its a case that he doesnt remember taking the pills or even that he had, this to me is more worrying. The tell tale signs were not there.
I have sat and thought very hard and asked myself, what would i advise someone to do, i would advise the same in a case like this. Its difficult when your answering your own question with the same advise, as people are advising you to do.
I have asked him to leave,and i know it is going to be a very,very difficult time for me,i am worried that its going to send me back into a deep depression,and also him but, im trying to look at it in a way that, im not happy with the situation as it is now,nor is he and, i am feeling very down.
Sure he is to, even more so now that i have asked him to move out.
I know i doubt my feelings for him and his feelings for me, but as ive said, its because of the way we are together, we are going round in a circle.
when things are good between us,we can be very good together, but there are more bad times than there are good, the bad times last far longer than the good times.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2009): Shazier, it's perfectly possible for him to forget he took the tablets. One of the consequences of Severe or acute depression is that you can suffer from confusion and loss of memory. Since he is up, he dose things like cooking and helping out, it seems that he is out of the dangerous phase and his depression is getting better. I'm more worried about you and your health at the moment. What are you going to do, has any of the advice give by the aunts and uncles helped you at all?
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A
female
reader, shazier +, writes (3 January 2009):
shazier is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi again, I need to add a question to my message that someone might, be able to help me with.
this question i have asked myself over and over again. Is it possible that mr x cannot remember taking those pills in aug,when he was found by a passer by,he says he cant remember? he was fine that morning before he went for the walk. he remembers going out and, walking up the rd then after that, he remembers nothing.I really do find this very hard to believe.
Can a person take enough pills, almost die and not remember taking them, he insist that he did not take anything but, there was evidence that there were pills in his stomach, he arrived at the hospital unconcious and the hospital could find nothing medically wrong with him. When i took my overdoses i do, remember at least taking the pills.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2009): Dear PosterThis is the beginning of a new year and hopefully the beginning of a new phase in your life. May this year and the new beginning bring you lots of happiness. I wish I could give you a hug now. You have endured enough pain and hurt. Now it is time you concentrate on yourself. On your healing process and your road of recover to a happy future. Try to forget about the past and FOCUS on the future. Learn from the mistakes of the past and try not to repeat them. Don't let feelings of guilt or empathy get the better of you. You have given this man enough time in your life, enough effort and support. Now it is time you start concentrating on yourself. Your health and your future. Get enough rest, eat properly. Go to your doctor for a good general check up, part of the new beginning. The new YOU for the new year and the new future. This might be a difficult time ahead for you with your friend moving out, but be strong think about the future. You are not alone. If ever you feel like talking or need advice there will always be somebody here to assist you.Best wishes and keep us posted.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2009): So it sounds like he's clever enough to realize he can't parasite off of you and be abusive towards you, you may be an outlet for his anger, and he may fear being alone and has obvious unresolved abandonment issues, but sickness or not, he is exploiting your loving nature.
You are not a switch to turn off and on correct on that one.
I still say, he did it to punish you and get you back, the suicide, because did he ever try this with the Ex?
Also, the Ex is an EX and it's not really her that he gets upset about, it's his past abandonment but he has just put it onto her, so that, I wouldn't take personally but understand how we females tend to do that, especially when we are hurting.
*HUGS*
I still think it's best to boot him out. He needs to want to get better and I think living off of you hasn't been motivation enough.
Also, you still have to look out for you.
I suspect you know you are being used, manipulated, and neglected and no one deserves any of that.
You deserve happiness, health, and peace, and if you can get to that without him weighing you down, then it's a sacrifice you should be willing to make.
don't let him guilt you into taking care of you and your health.
Besides, he has a therapist that can help him cope.
Get some counseling and see your Doctor every few weeks while you go through this transition.
I hope you do what is best for you Sweetness.
*hugs*
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A
female
reader, shazier +, writes (3 January 2009):
shazier is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi and thank you for your concerns,opinions and advise, it is really nice to meet such caring people.
I was trying to keep my story and as short as i could but,
think I should of added to my original post a little more about myself and mr x.
Mr x does have medical help and also has a social worker, he does suffer with depression but not like he used to.
He had been in hospital before,i met him with depression and, had tried a couple of suicide attemps.
I to had taken 2 over doses im ashamed to say.
I do see my gp every 6 mths for my medication reviews, i also feel that she is all i need now.
I do feel very very down at the moment, but this i know, is because of the situation that i am in, and am scared that i am going to slip back into that black hole without realise it until its to late. I want to be normal again and do feel that i am strong enough not to let myself fal in that trap again.
Mr x is on medication and is stll under the phyciatrist, it actually concerns me at the amount of pills that he does take but, im not a doctor and dont know whats best for him but, do know all the meds i was on wasnt, doing me any good after a while and, was my decision to come of them. I have been allot better since to.
All i take now is, 1 sleeper as i find it difficult to sleep at night,I think my problem there is my body has got that used to taking them, and do think my body is dependant on them,a muscle relaxant and sometimes methotrexate for my arthritis when its really bad and paracetamol.
I have to take medication for my asthma,calcium tabs daily and once a wk a tablet for my osteo.These are pills that I have to take, none are for depression but am working on, getting of the sleepers.
When i was severely depreesed i was on a very high dose of prozac and quitiapine (not sure i have spelt that right)and a couple of others not sure now what they were called and, tramadol for pain along with the above mentioned.
I havent be on these now for about 2 1/2yrs.
For me i feel they were ok short term but long term, no. I think you have to want to get better help yourself and, be helped. If I hadnt of wanted to get better I wouldnt of come as far as i have today.
I also think you have to change your way of thinking,I also did what excercise I could and take short walks with my dogs, this to helped me and i learned to kick my own backside.Have to admitt the excercise has stop, and so have the short walks out because of the cold.
Before I went into hospital i was severely depressed and i didnt realise it.
I didnt have any interest in anything. As someone has mention, when i had the tv on it was watching me I wasnt watching it.That statement is realy very true in my case.
I rarely ate and dropped down to 5 1/2 stone, i didnt wash,brush my hair,get dressed i didnt want to do anything,all i wanted to do was stay in bed, be left alone and didnt want to see anyone. I wouldnt and didnt want to go out either.Then i started to feel that i wanted to just die.I was also hearing what i thought were bees and someone whispering my name.
1 of my daughters called round every day, i feel so ungrateful now but, at the time I resented her coming round.
My ex was there after work and at the weekends, not that he was any help because, he wasnt. He just left me to it, not realizing that i was very ill or even cared.
The only thing i did get up for was to feed my dogs,cats let them out and feed the birds, when i really had to. If i hadnt of had them i wouldnt of got up at all.
Mr x has been like i was to but, this time is so differant.
He will go shopping, he came out new yrs to a party, he cooks every tea time, he does concentrate on the tv and will get up earlier when he has to. He isnt ill when he has something to get up for, if i ask him to get up, hes not feeling to good, or hes got headache, hes acheing there is rarely a day that goes by that hes not got something wrong with him, and i really do feel they are excuse to lazy around? As i said earlier im not a doctor and can only go by how i was and how i have seen him when hes really depressed.
This is not how he reacts when he has taken what we call a nose dive.When he took the overdoes im may, the reason was because, i had asked him to leave and let me have a little time to myself. He said he took that overdose because he thought we were over and i didnt want him anymore.He planned this two days prior to taking them and got the tablets ready. Watching him on a ventalator really did affect me and his social worker advise that i saw someone, i didnt and felt i would cope.
My views on suicide have completly changed since seeing him almost die. It maked me realize how selfish i was and what i, had put my family through.
Hes outside now repairng the steps that he pulled down a few weeks ago. After reading all your replies I did tell him that he had to move out after the new yr, because allot of replys i have had,i do agree with, but do fear i will regret it.
I find it very odd that since telling him the day after i read your replies that i needed him to go,he has tried to pull his finger out, and is now winking at me again, something he always used to do, but ive just ignored it. Im not a light switch that he can turn on and off.
How can one be so down, depressed and then back to almost normal in a few hrs? correct me if im wrong on this one.
I really do think that this is more a relationship problem than depression.
There is also a pattern to his behaviour at certain time of the yr, I am almost sure that his past with his ex plays a great part in this. He goes sad in the mth they split, then when they devorsed, and then when she got re married. Is his past still tormenting him and this is why our relationship is not working out.Does it still torment him and does he want back what he used to have? his past.
He wasnt a rebound for me, he really did still my heart,but didnt realize i would face all the problems that i have had with him.
My relationship with my ex had ended along time before i went into hospital. my deppresion was cause by my marraige breakup, but i was having problem that started approx yr2000. y ex made me feel fat, ugly and useless. I also ended up with a eating disorder. This is not as big a problem as it used to be.
Im thinking your views are still going to be pretty much the same and if he moves out Im just hoping that i have done the right thing, the last thing i want to do, is send him into a depression or myself, but i need to know what my feeling are towards this guy, or is it because of the way hes behaving, he could be doping it on purpose because he knows it annoys me and winds me up the wrong way?
thank you again to all for some very good advise.
shaz
He hasnt got up quite as late over the past few days,around 11ish and did get up at 8.15am yesterday, but rather than help round the house, he put a dvd on.This is another answer to a reply, does he contribute and help. Well no! he doesnt help with the house work like he should unless, i want to wait until the afternoon to get cleaned up,and he will hoover for me, i have dogs and birds and dont like to leave it in a mess until afternoon,incase i have visitors, i like to keep some pride, and hes only been paying his way since oct,jan money he has taken back with asking him to leave, he should of gone today? the rest of the yr since last nov 2007 I had to support him.I had sold my house earlier this yr and some of the money was going towards our keep.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2009): I forgot gardening, gardening is good for people who are not religious.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2009): Ms anonymous is totally right. There are other things your partner can do to help treat his depression.
In Britain, unless there is danger, this is the fist level of treatment that is prescribed.. Exercise is very beneficial, but it's gonna take a lot of hard work to get him out of the chair. Herbs/Vitamins, health and good diet, living a more healthy life, prayer/religion, a useful hobby, a dog. All natural ways to try to re-balance. Some find the talking helpful, some don't, some people can't take the tablets, or it takes a long time to find the right one... But all these are things are to be explored with a doctor.
One of the things that hasn't been mentioned much is the problem of co-dependency. "Two unhealthy people need to work on themselves separately because right now, they are both toxic to one another." (Fade) He is living in your house, he watches TV all day, one little question?... Are you doing most of the work and paying most of the bills? What reasons dose he have to get well? This has been going on for 4years, he needs to start sorting this out.
Askodereve is right to remind us that clinical depression can take months of years to get better, and you need to be very aware of this, Even when he is getting treatment, it might be a while before you see changes in his behaviour or in your relationship. Acute or clinical depression can last for years.
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reader, AskEve +, writes (1 January 2009):
 I have to agree with the girls on this one, first of all you need to concentrate and put YOURSELF first here. You met this guy on the rebound and fell into a relationship with him for all the wrong reasons. You have given him lots of chances and still he goes back to his old ways. He is NOT for you! He has a multitude of problems that HE needs to deal with and get medical help with before he can even think of going into a serious relationship with anyone. I feel you are going back to him because first of all you are lonely and would love to meet that special someone but also because you feel guilty and even might think you can help him. You can't... the only person who can help him is himself.
I am not a great believer in anti depressants and would usually advise people to use them as a last resort but in this case, because your friend is in such a depressed state (suicide!) then anti depressants can and will help him. Depressive illness is caused by a decrease of certain chemicals or neurotransmitters in the brain that are responsible for our moods. In people suffering from depressive illness fewer of these neurotransmitters are being produced. With inhibitors like serotonin, mood is elevated from the depressed state to a more normal state of mind and within a matter of a few months positive changes in the depressed person can be clearly seen. Your friend NEEDS to go and see his GP urgently. Only HE can do this or you can call on his behalf.
You may even feel you need to take them yourself, only you know just how depressed you are but you NEED to look after yourself and get back to a normal way of life before entering into a relationship with anyone!
No amount of talking will help your friend, his illness is beyond just words and he's not capable of making decisions of any kind, he needs urgent medical help and rehabilitation which you are unable to give him right now. My advice would be for you to move out in the meantime, by all means visit him but treat him as a friend rather than a partner until he is showing positive signs of recovery which could take anything from a few months to a couple of years.
Moving out means you have your space and your privacy to concentrate on YOU! Keep busy, find new hobbies, find out who you really are and what you want from life. Build up your confidence and self worth and meet new people and in time you will be back to your bubbly self again. But it is soooo important that YOU take that time out to heal too.
~Eve~
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2008): If people could be honest with each other, life would be so much better. There's the risk of hurting feelings, but in the end, they are Grateful to you for it! Depression is denial, regret, supressed feelings, and our Brains Tell Us if we don't talk them out (with someone you trust) then it shuts down. There's normal depression, and severe depression. Your friend is silently crying out for help. The hope is, there IS help. But you are not qualified. This is a delicate matter, and You are not to blame for any outcome, be it good or bad. He needs to know how much you care about him, but that you can't continue with this relationship if he doesn't get help.I've had clinical depression for a year, I Didn't turn to doctors because I knew they would get me on a pill (they don't want you dead, just sick), so I turned to herbs. Herbs/Vitamins were the Temporary alternative to get me through. Praying my feelings out got me out of that pit too. Seeing a doctor is o.k., but being informed of other options is good too. I've recently heard of 'modern shock therapy' (for suicidal cases)- rebooting the brain with electric current. It's not as scary as it used to be. Some people are cured with a few treatments, but there is sometimes short-term memory loss. Hope you are feeling better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2008): PVTguy you are not a doctor, I am sorry you've had bad experiences. But I am from the UK, this lady is from the UK. We get universal treatment provide freely under our national health system (NHS) and do not have to pay. The recommended treatment in the UK is counselling and medication in the case of clinical or acute depression..
Your son as ADD, we also deal with that differently over here. Medication to deal with this is not really recommended. I have been in an American school based over here, and the amount of over-prescribing was very worrying. We deal with ADD very differently, and medication is only used as a last resort. New research in the UK currently advises that medication only be used in case of ACUTE or Clinical depression. In normal depression they don't seem to work. We have had a long discussion lately about this in the news and on the TV and people have been advised to go back to their doctor for reassessment if they are suffering from light or situational depression.
This lady is from the UK, our treatment and our medical system seems to be very different from yours. This lady is also feeling depressed due the situation, if she talks to her doctor they will arrange counselling to help her get through the troubles that result as a consequence of her medical problems and stress caused by this relationship. At the moment, this relationship is damaging her, and it's best if she moves out to protect her own mental health. We haven't suggested she stop the relationship or leave this guy permanently if she doesn't want to. We are only suggesting she move out or get him to move out, until she feels stronger or he is more healthy, because all I can see at the moment is two people who are depressed, one of the clinical, and your advice is not going to help the relationship or her partner get any better.
Why should this lady sacrifice her health and her life for a man who has dumped her, is unable to show her love, and may not live very long unless he gets professional help? I have provided help on what she can do if she wants to stay. I have given her links that give advice on how to live with somebody with depression. I have told you to look at those links and update yourself with recommended advice. Your suggestion that all they need to do is talk, is useless. If you have suffered from clinical depression (like you claim) you would realise this.
We are listening to you, but you are wrong.
This lady is from the UK, it is not mandatory to institutionalise people who are thinking off suicide, we don't do that here. Suicide is legal in Britain, I have heard that it is illegal in the USA.. Our system is different. Our doctors would not recommend a person to stay in a marriage if they start to show signs of depression caused by their partner's illness. Please remember that your experience of depression is different from mine, or that of this ladies partner. Please remember that she is from the UK and we do things differently over here.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2008): Dear Poster
Once again I want to assure you of my empathy with your difficult situation. Dealing with depression is not easy and requires the support and assistance of professional people; (as you are aware from past experience); however, your situation now is not just about a relationship that is in trouble, it is far more serious and my concern here is for the well being of both, but I don't want you to suffer any further and to get more ill; YOUR health is most important. Living with somebody suffering with depression is very difficult and can be unbearable at times; you are not married to this guy and you have to think about yourself now; you have received lots of good advice from people like Fade and Diovan (please read there answers very carefully); I URGE you to do what is BEST for YOU and to consult your DOCTOR and get help and assistance; you need time on your own to find your Inner Peace; you need to look after your health; please do not neglect your own needs at the expense of your friend.
You will be helping yourself and him when you get professional help and when you stop allowing this situation to continue; one more day becomes one more week and it never ends; but it is for you to put a stop to all this; to make some choices and to take some action; Sometimes in life we have to be cruel to be kind; continuing like this is not helping you or him; Please think about your life and your future; YOU deserve to be happy and you need to do what is best for you.Do not confuse love with feelings of guilt or sympathy; take a break from this relationship and find and rediscover yourself.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Please keep us posted.
Best wishes and lots of SMILES to you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2008): That's it Fade, that long word, Alienation, that's what is happening here.. I couldn't think of the word, but I can describe the feeling.
In the UK, the recommended treatment for clinical or acute depression is medication as well as some type of talking therapy like counselling or psychotherapy. This bullcrap your talking about institutions dose not happen over here. Medication is used to change the chemicals in the brain, counselling is to deal with the underlying problems that caused it in the first place. If this lady wasn't already starting to feel depressed already, or knew more about depression, then maybe she could help.. But as I said, her current situation is dangerous to her own health and she really must leave.
PVTguy, your tablets didn't work.. Please go back to your doctor, there are many, many different types of tablets. The fact that one doesn't work, doesn't mean that all of them are bad. It took me a year to find the right tablets for me, and as soon as I took them (in my case only) the worked straight away, and I was noticeably different. The right medication and counselling will help the gentleman to get better. That is the treatment that we use in the UK.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2008): PVTguy, you don't get it... I suffer from clinical depression and the new tablets do work, they save lives.. Nobody is gonna lock him up, this guy isn't your father and we don't do things like that in Britian. This is not your life story, it's a different country, treatments have advanced, you are not the only person who knows all about this.
PS: My partner left because he couldn't cope... bloody best thing that ever happened to me. I actually forced people to come in and help me. At the moment, she is taking all the burden and she has no help to deal with this. If she kicks him out, then the doctors, the governemnt, his family and friends, will realise how bad things are and he will get MORE help, not LESS...
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008): lupis is not a mental disease.. mental diseases are very, different from physical diseases.. as I the caller has noted, she is starting to suffer from depression too. She is not a doctor, and because she his mental health is starting to effect her too, you are being irresponsible in telling her that she must stay.
"only give him medication"... medication that will save his life
"She could have him committed in an institution".. She doesn't have that power. In Britain you are not locked away because you have clinical depression, unless it makes you violent, or you become catatonic and no longer can feed yourself. Only a doctor can have you committed in Britain.
She cannot see to his needs, she is not a doctor.. He can't help her with her arthritis, and she can't cure his depression.. The man is sick, do you tell somebody with leprosy or HIV/Aids, that all they need is love and they don't need a doctor or any medicine. Are you a Scientology's by any chance.
This is not a joke, the man has already tried to kill himself already... "would you die for me".... That is exactly what you are asking her to do. You want her to stay until her sadness develops into full blown clinical depression and she starts to want to commit suicide... I'm not laughing, there is nothing funny about telling somebody who is already depressed, that their clinically depressed partner doesn't need medicine and doesn't need a doctor. There is nothing funny about the whole situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008): PVTguy, please... our first duty as agony aunts is to keep people safe especially when we think they are in danger.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008): Now I've thought about it dear caller, please try to make plans to move out, because I am now very worried about your own mental health. Take the steps I mentioned to keep him safe. You can still call him every day, you can tell him you love him, you can even visit him as often as you can. But he MUST go see a doctor, you are not a doctor, you cannot help him. Keep in touch with him, but as you notice, this depression is now starting to effect you, your slipping into the black hole with him. No point in you getting sick as well. As soon as you move out, you will notice that you start laughing, you feel happier, the world seems a little bit brighter, and you start to feel better about life. He's locked in hell, a jail cell, he's locked you in there with him. Please leave, your not sick yet, but if you stay, I'm afraid you might end up like him. Remember what it felt like with the other guy, remember the laughs, the smiles, the good times. That's what normal and healthy feels like. What you are feeling now is not normal or healthy. That's why you must leave and live in a better environment. You will be more help to him if you love him, or care from him from afar.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008): Dear Poster
Correct me if I am wrong, but you mentioned in your posting "We are to people that just live together"; you also mentioned that you are not sure of your love for him and you are having doubts about his feelings for you; you mentioned that you are scared that he will do something to hurt himself again and it seems as if you also feel obliged to stay with him for that reason;
He is very ill and he does need PROFESSIONAL help; You have endured more during all the times with him then what most women would be able to cope with; I URGE you to do what is best for YOU and YOUR HEALTH; please think about yourself first; If you care for this man, see to it that he gets PROFESSIONAL help and that his family or friends take the responsibility to look after him; you cannot do that any longer; you have to pay attention to your health.
Love is not enough to make a relationship work and in this instance you are not even sure of your feelings anymore; this relationship have been through so many ups and downs, NOW it is time you think about yourself; please end this "living together" arrangement and start taking care of your needs. You will get dragged down more and more; you are not strong enough to endure all this; think of yourself for once in your life and make the right choice. I suggest you contact your doctor and ask him to give you assistance; he will be able to refer you to a counselor to help you deal with these issues and to guide you to making the right choices and decisions.
Please don't allow feelings of guilt or fear to get the better of you! You need to get this guy to get help and you need to take care of YOU! He is not your responsibility!
I do realize this is a very difficult time for you and that you are suffering lots of confusion, but please talk to your doctor; don't be influence by your emotions; think with your head and think about your future; you deserve to be healthy and happy; you need to find that INNER PEACE and start thinking about YOU first.
You are in my thoughts and prayers; I do hope all will work out for you.
Best wishes and lots of SMILES.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008): PVTguy, sorry, but this guy is suffering from clinical depression, it will be impossible to sit down and have a sensible conversation with him. He can't lower the tone of his voice, because he's probably not shouting, he probably doesn't talk to her all
"Thy need to tone down the words and sentences that trigger hurtful feelings."
This is a man who recently tried to kill himself, I really don't think it's possible for him to watch his words. He sits watching TV all day and dose nothing else. He tells her to leave often and then begs for her to come back. I think this thing is more serious than you realise. THIS IS A MAN WHO WANTS TO DIE... it's a little bit difficult to have a friendly chat and make everything all right. If she talks to him like you suggest, I have a big feeling he will feel criticised and it will actually make things much, much worse and he will withdraw away and go deeper into his shell. We are not talking about healthy people with a relationship problem, her partner is very, very sick. Even if she is as nice as apple pie, loves him and is kind to him, without expert, professional help, and probably some tablets, this guy will not get better. Love can't cure or take away sickness. You might as well tell her that if he talks nicely to her then her arthritis will be cured.
You probably have no experience with depression, so please read the links that I put up. People seriously underestimate the danger of clinical depression. They don't understand that it is not about feeling blue, and it can't be cured with some nice words. Living with somebody with depression makes you feel ignored, unloved, inadequate and terribly, terribly lonely.. The shouldn't call it depression, they should call it "leave me alone, I want to die" instead.... Living with a person with depression can be the loneliest thing in the world.
Talking to him won't help, he can't control himself, he is sick. I bet he doesn't even notice her when she is in the room, he doesn't watch TV, the bloody TV watches him. I told you, he is locked in a dark room.. She could probably scream and shout, even pack her suitcase and go and he probably wouldn't notice she is gone. He's not living on the same planet as the rest of us, THIS MAN IS LIVING IN HELL, and he is living there all alone.
Sorry, but unless you have had depression, or have lived with somebody with depression, then be careful in the advice you give out. This woman needs to get away, because the next time she writes, it could be her asking for help, because she can't stop crying, doesn't know why and she has keeps having thoughts of killing herself.
Don't you understand, the guy she is living with wants to kill himself. One day he might succeed, she will have to bury him, and she will feel guilty, and feel like it's her fault because she lived with him, knew he was sick and wasn't strong enough to save him.. She's not a doctor, she can't cure him, and she might be actually holding him back and damaging her own mental health by staying. Maybe if she leaves it might be just the kick up his ass he needs to force him to get treatment. She's already starting to feel depressed all ready, you want her to stay and get sick just like him?
Sorry I'm angry, this is not about a relationship in trouble, this is about living with somebody who is very, very sick. Your advice is dangerous.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008): "why would he want to end his life if he was happy with me and loved me? why is it more important to be ill?" (Shazier)
Can you see anything wrong with these questions babes. You have arthritis and curvature of the spine. If you loved him, wouldn't you make your bones straight. Why is it important for you to have physical difficulties, can't you just get better and make your body totally healthy, don't you love him enough?
You've been depressed, but many people use depression as a word for when they are feeling sad. Your guy sounds like he has a serious case of clinical depression, with clinical depression all your energy is focused on trying to stay alive. He's alive at the moment, and he even manages to watch TV, that's great, he's doing very well, he actually manages to get himself out of bed. That's wonderful, he's trying to do everything he can to get better, many people with depression can't get out of bed, catch watch TV, can't even bear to talk or have anybody touch them at all.
He has clinical depression, he is sick, his brain doesn't work properly, he is not trying to punish you. As I said at the moment, he is just struggling to remember why he wants to stay alive. That's the nature of disease, there is no room for love, laughter, happiness, sex, food, or anything else. It's like somebody locked you in a dark, black room, took away the sunshine, took away your interest in life, and you've got to stay alive and awake for some reason you don't even remember.
CLINICAL DEPRESSION IS A DISEASE, IT'S A SICKNESS, IT'S NOT A GAME, IT'S LIFE THREATING, PEOPLE WANT TO KILL THEMSELF AND DIE.
However it is curable, but it takes a lot of time and hard work, Tablets and talking to a counsellor can help, having good friends that understand and can give unconditional love helps too. However depression is hardest on the people around, it ruins relationships. How can you give and show love when your idea of happiness is simply to die?
Depression is catching, being around someone who is so sad and fed up with life, can make you feel fed up and sad at life too. That's why it is important to pull away, go out, do nice things for yourself, anything to make yourself happy, so you don't fall into the black hole as well.. Too much sadness, changes brain chemistry, drops serotonin levels, and can change the way you think. Make sure you eat a good diet, keep your body fit, and get enough sleep. Spend time with other people who make you laugh, talk about your problems to other people.
If you want to stay you need to find out more about clinical depression and the best way to deal with it. The best book I've seen on depression is "Shoot the Damn Dog" by Sally Brompton. She explains all about her depression, the treatments available, and perfectly describes not only the feelings but how it effects you physically. People don't realise it doesn't only effect your moods, but it also has physical symptoms which means you can't do anything, you can't get up, you can't even stay awake sometimes, and then sometimes you can't even sleep. The physical symptoms can grab all your attention, just remembering to breathe properly can take up all your energy..
Here is some links that explain how you as a partner, if you want to stay, can help but it's hard it's truly hard.
http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/facts/depressrelation.htm
http://www.upliftprogram.com/article_deprelate.html
http://depression.about.com/od/seekinghelp/tp/relationships.htm
Love, kindness, support and friendship, all these things will help, but they won't cure severe or clinical depression alone. Your partner seriously needs to see a doctor, as you say, he's already tried to commit suicide, and he may decide to try it again. He needs a doctor to move him out of the danger zone, the fact that he is watching TV is a positive sign. He's also done things like go on holiday, again more positive signs. But yes he is difficult to live with, yes he shows you no love, yes he hurts and pushes you away and is confusing, yes he dose these things..
BUT THIS IS NOT THE MAN YOU LOVE, THIS IS THE SICKNESS THAT IS CAUSING HIM TO DO THESE THINGS... hate the disease, don't hate the man, these hurtful things he dose is because of the disease.
Depression can be cured if he gets some help from a doctor. Depression can be caught if you are in a sad situation for too long. Depression effects you physically and mentally. Depression is life threatening. People with depression are hard work, and show no love and can be manipulative and cruel, they attempt to push people away. They can't lighten up and smile and be happy, as far as they are concerned, they are alive and that's the means that at least they are trying...
I'm laughing, laughing because, he's alive and he's watching TV. He has attempted to keep a relationship with you. He loves you, and yes, this may be something that is keeping him alive. You say you don't think he loves you, he dose, he's alive isn't he.
Sorry babes, so much pressure. It's hard to stay with somebody like this, and in truth, I don't think you should, I think you should walk away. You don't have to stay, if he wants to die, well then that's his choice. Talk to his friends and family, tell them you can't cope, and you can't stay. Tell them to make sure that he is never alone. Actually it's probably better if one of them live with him, or he lives with them. He is not your responsibility, if you don't love him any more, and you don't want to stay, well then leave. Make sure that you make him safe, by telling his family, friends and doctor that he is now alone. Then leave him with them until he gets better...
Sorry babes, so sorry, depression is a nasty disease for everyone involved. It hurts the sick person, but it hurts the people around him even more.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008): Dear Poster
I have empathy with you and can understand that you feel very confused, but you need to think about YOURSELF. STOP worrying about this guy and his feelings for you; this man have not treated you well; it is time you take responsibility for your life and allow him to sort out his own; for long enough you allowed him to mess you around; STOP, you need time on your own to heal and to rediscover yourself; he is not helping you getting better; in fact he is dragging you down and is overloading you by making your life even more miserable. I know it is might be difficult for you to let go; BUT please, you have to do this for yourself; stop feeling sorry for him or worried about him; he needs to get professional help and you cannot allow him to make his problems yours; PLEASE move away from this guy; stop being his anchor and please realize he is not your support system; speak to friends or join a support group but start taking control of your life; you deserve better then this and you need to make that choice; only you can do it!
For the sake of both you and him; it is time you move on with your lives; the two of you have not been compatible and have not been a good influence to each other; the relationship have not been happy and you are both making each other miserable and more depressed.
QUIT, get out, start living your life thinking about YOU; planning your future; get the necessary help and medication or counseling that you might need and forget about him; talk to him and suggest he seeks professional help but other then that he is not your responsibility.
I know this might sound harsh, but I am concerned about you and your well being; you cannot continue like this; your health will collapse and I honestly believe you deserve better. Please start loving yourself and start taking care of yourself; put your own needs first and start thinking about your future. You cannot continue like this; you are at a dead end with this relationship and you will just get yourself more and more depressed and ill; I URGE you to do what ever you can to make this break a.s.a.p and allow friends and family to help you; you deserve lots of love and happiness; you need somebody that can give you lots of tender loving care and that can support you when you feel weak or down; you need somebody that is not taking advantage of your kindness but is treating you with love and respect.
I do hope that you will make the best CHOICE for YOU; that you will start taking control of your life and that 2009 will bring a start to a new life and a happy future for you.MOVE ON and move FORWARD; let go of the past and all the trauma and the bad experiences. Think about YOU and YOUR SURVIVAL! YOUR HAPPINESS and YOUR HEALTH!
Best wishes and lots of SMILES to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008): Listen carefully, if you care about you and him at all you will leave, change your number, move and never look back. He has a mental illness HE NEEDS to take care of. You are not a doctor. You have a mental illness you need to take care of. It is not good for your recovery to keep playing games. You are not doing him or yourself any favors by this round and round game. You need to speak to someone professionally as you aren't going to listen to me. He is a cancer to you. You are better than this and need to take care of you. Best Wishes.
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reader, katatonik +, writes (30 December 2008):
 I think many people would have given up on this relationship a long time ago.
It is admirable that you are trying to make things work, but it sounds as if the problems that have arisen are not new or recent and that this on-again, off-again attitude toward you and the relationship is pretty well ingrained in his personality.
It sounds as if both of you, but especially him, are suffering from depression. Mr X's staying in bed all day, lack of energy and loss of interest in things he previously enjoyed (you) are all signs of it, and no mentally healthy person attempts suicide as he has evidently done. Not for no reason is this considered a serious disorder. It affects lives, as you have seen and are continuing to find out. Please seek counseling for yourself, and urge Mr X to seek counseling also as he very desperately needs it. But don't stay in the relationship. Your first responsibility here is your own mental and physical well-being, and these are not bolstered if you continue to let this man drag you down. Good luck =]
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reader, shaashiie +, writes (30 December 2008):
You both have depression and low self esteem, you have gone from one horrible relationship to another.
You need to give yourself time to heal instead of going to another man who is dealing with so much himself that he cannot take the time to love you the way you deserve to be loved.
Same thing with Mr. X, he needs to heal. He may have severe depression, or he could have manic depression or a slew of other things. My point is, you do not REALLY know this man, you started dating right after you came out of the hospital, when you were both at your most vulnerable points. At a time when you should have been getting your life back together you decided to start a life with someone else who was also unstable.
You need to tell Mr. X that for both your health, his health, and the well-being of his children that you need to be alone and to work on yourself or you're going to end up right back in that hospital, and I know that's not what either of you want.
You may love him, but you may also just be using him as someone to run to because you felt so lonely after your marriage ended and you could not stand to be alone. Look deep into your heart, don't lie to yourself. I can't tell you if you really love this man, but from what you've told me it sounds like he was just a rebound, and for him you were just someone who would listen to his suffering and understand. But he needs a professional who understands and can help him, not someone who will listen but just be dragged down into a deeper depression themself.
Maybe one day you can love Mr. X when you're both well, or maybe you will have a different mindset and know that you need to leave this part of your life behind. Please, seek the help of a psychologist and/or a psychiatrist who can help you work through your feelings and help you learn to live your life as it's best for YOU, not for other people. You deserve to be happy!!! Please let me know how you're doing!
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