A
male
age
36-40,
*reezak
writes:I really need some outside perspective on my issue, so here it goes...First of all, I think you should know that I'm the type of guy that always has a girlfriend. I'm also the type of guy that loves to show my affection a lot, through little surprises to cuddling.After being single for a while, I met this girl who was perfect. Smart, pretty, funny... The whole package. Let's call her X . When I asked her to go out on a date, she said that she wasn't looking for a relationship, but that we could be "friend with benefits." The relationship started out being purely sexual, but after hanging for so long we started to become attached, or at least I did. During the summer we hung out every day, she called me "cutsie" names (still does), and we did everything together. It was like we were together but we weren't.Then I moved a couple hours south for an internship. During the first couple months of the internship, every weekend I would drive to see her. We talk everyday on the phone and text message more than I ever have with anyone. Again, it was like she was my girlfriend, but with no official name. Now I barely see her, but we still talk on the phone every day, all the time. She is starting to drift away slowly, and it's like I'm losing a best friend. Whenever I see her text message or a call from her I jump at it, and I can't stop thinking about her. I'm constantly wondering what she is doing because she will disappear for a while, and that is odd because she usually constantly texts me.Now there is a girl, who is absolutely great, that is after me and wants to be more than friends. Let's call her z . I feel terrible hanging with z and still talking to X the way I do.I know that I should probably end things with X and pursue a healthy relationship with z but I can't stop thinking about X.What do I do? Any advice would be helpful.Thank you for reading.
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male
reader, DSMan195276 +, writes (7 February 2013):
Well, this is somewhat of another matter, but you may want to consider taking a break from relationships altogether for a while. As for why, because of your line 'I'm the type of guy who always has a girlfriend'. That, and the fact that you agreed to a friends with benefits relationship kinda indicates to me that you may not be ready or may not have the right mindset for a serious relationship. I'd be happy to be proven wrong, but the reason I say this is that if you want to have a serious relationship you need to consider your motives for being in the relationship. Serious relationships that are founded solely on affection don't usually last unless something else develops, for the simple fact that affection does wear off at some point. It is of course quite possible for something else to develop, and/or you may already know this, but it's something worth thinking about.
As for X, personally it's probably just worth asking where she thinks you two stand (In person if you can, or over the phone if not). Though, if she said she wasn't looking for a relationship but was ok for friends with benefits, I'd say that's a fairly big red flag right there -- IE. It's hard to think that this would be exclusive, especially if you moved away, nor does she really have any reason to think it should be just exclusive between you two as it's not an actual relationship.
Think about it this way, do you consider it to be an exclusive thing? I have a hard time saying you treat it like an exclusive thing if you're talking to z and considering things -- I doubt you would be doing that if you were in a relationship with X. Again, I could be wrong, and that's your call to make, you know her much better then I do. It really just comes back to asking her yourself where she thinks you two stand and going from there. There isn't a ton of sense speculating about where you two stand.
And as for z, I would say you're just not in a good spot to get in a relationship with z. Figure out what's going on with X once and for all, and once that's done and you feel you're ready (And assuming X didn't want to continue into a relationship) you could consider dating z. Just keep in mind that nobody wants to end-up the person stuck in the middle, or the person who's just being used when you really want someone else.
Bottom line, I would figure everything out before agreeing to anything with either of them. If you're going to get in a relationship with one of them, make sure you've already decided what to do about the other first, before any relationship even takes place, and be committed to that choice. You don't want to end-up cheating, be it known or accidental, and really nobody wants to feel like they ended up your second choice either.
A
female
reader, ihavetoomanythoughts  +, writes (7 February 2013):
 I'm thinking maybe you should ask X if she wants a relationship with you or not. If you find out that yes, X does want a relationship, then you can tell Z so that she knows she can move on. If you find out that no, X doesn't want a relationship, then you can move on and never have to wonder if there was ever a chance. If you don't ask, you'll always be thinking about it and that would make moving on more difficult. You should do this soon because it's not fair for yourself or for Z to be left hanging like this.
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