A
female
age
30-35,
*itch30191
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been together for about two years now. We work together in a fast food restaurant and that's basically how we got together. It's weird because when we have good days he's perfect and then a bad day comes along and it's horrible. He will be set off by the smallest thing, once I didn't tell him what mode of transport I was using to get to the city centre and we argued for two days because he feels that I'm trying to hide things from him. He hates all of my close friends except one that lives about two hours away so I never see her anyway, if I go on a night out I can guarantee there will be an argument either during or after about anything I haven't told him (what club I'm in, which friends are there, what time I'm going home even if I don't know what time it closes I should find out to let him know beforehand ) if male friends are with me he tells me before hand he better not see any pictures of them anywhere near me. And these arguments that he'll start will last up to about 2 days in which he will constantly remind me of what I've done and how not telling him the name of the club I'm in before he has asked me had hurt him and that it's my own fault he's in a mood with me and I should aspire to be better. He doesn't like to hear me talk about whatever happens on nights out but then will go mental at me for not telling him every detail. He moans at how I dress, how I talk and who I talk to. He's constantly convinced I'm flirting with someone simply because I'm being nice to them and then will argue with me at work and embarrass me in front of everyone to prove his point and he knows how small this makes me feel but he continues to do it. He doesn't trust me and often talks to me as though I'm stupid. He always has to have his own way! We booked a holiday recently and I said every time we spoke I wanted a beach holiday to just relax. We ended up booking to go to Florida because he wanted to, and then he continually moans at me for not seeming very excited. I tell him all the time I don't know why he's with me because he doesn't seem to like me very much as a person...he says he loves me and that he's like this because of the way his ex treated him and she cheated on him but that's no reason to treat me as though I have. He always says he gives 100% in this relationship and I do not, he says he never let's me down and I do it all the time. I want to be with him but at the moment I can't see anything changing. I've tried to talk to him about it and he thinks I'm being dramatic saying he's controlling. I don't know what to do or how to help him stop this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2013): Alarm bells are ringing and you obviously hear them too. He is being controlling and manipulating. A good relationship is not based on having no real friends outside the relationship. Nor is it having to telling your partner of your every movement. I fear he won't change as this is a personality trait. No matter how 'good' the good days are I'm afraid someone who behaves like this is bad news. If you value your life as an independent person, look for someone who respects you as an individual.
A
female
reader, Staceily  +, writes (8 April 2013):
 In his mind he thinks that asking where you are going and telling you what to wear and do means be cares about you. And since you don't act the same way or that you even want to do those things to begin with, it means you don't care about him as much, which is why he claims he gives 100% and you don't.
He asks you for details but gets mad if you offer details. If you tell him about what went on it is like you are saying what a good time you had, he doesn't you want off and having a good time with anyone else. Plus it is making him imagine you out without him. But if you don't tell him it is like you are hiding from him what happened. You can't win, unless you did nothing at all with friends ever again, that is what he really wants whether he will admit it or not.
He won't change. You can try and get him to go to counseling and maybe improve the relationship slightly... But he won't actually change. I don't believe the past cheating relationship changed him completely into what he is now, this has gone beyond the lack of trust. He had to have had a little bit of a controlling nature and that has made it explode or he uses that as an excuse for his behavior, I don't know. But whatever you do don't marry him or make huge life decisions with him and expect this behavior to change because it will remain the same or get worse. Your only options are to try and get him to seek counseling, dump all of your friends and live a controlled sheltered life, or leave him. Since he is also putting you down I would give it up and leave him, no healthy relationship should be this way.
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (8 April 2013):
Well you have a very difficult and sensitive situation to handle and that is not easy on you. First of all your boyfriend seems to have a Big problem with trust I feel on this issue HE might consider going to a counsellor and getting some help.Also he has a problem he seems like to want to control you but this maybe tied into the trust issue only Time will tell on this.However wanting his own way all the time is very unfair to you and comes across as he maybe be selfish.I done think that you are being dramatic-but that your boyfriend needs help. Best Luck.Nora B.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2013): You have given more than enough examples of your boyfriend's behavior to confirm, without a doubt; that he is jealous, controlling, and possessive. Although he doesn't physically harm you, he does something equally as bad. He degrades and verbally abuses you.You've been a victim so long that you've learned to live under these conditions. Like a hostage surrendering and befriending her captor. It sounds a little scary that you have to hide your whereabouts to avoid confrontation. You childishly/timidly have to seek his permission and approval.The whole post sounds heartbreaking for an obviously giving and intelligent young woman. It would be equally as bad were the situation in reverse. Possessive people with anger issues are dangerous! It is only a matter of time before the anger and control issues manifest into physical violence. They say they love you, when they mean they own you.My fear is his reaction and behavior should you chose to end the relationship and leave. You can't even go out for an evening with friends.Beef up your support systems. If you choose to leave, be sure you have support from both your family and friends.He hounds you into submission by arguing, and prolonging these arguments for days in order to wear you down. If youhave to employ the assistance of law enforcement, don't hesitate. So far, you haven't attempted to leave. The worst comes out at that time. You two must drive your neighbors insane with these drawn out arguments.You don't deserve this. He needs help. You're spending all your time trying to avoid arguments, or figuring out ways to do things without setting him off.Your social life is affected by him trying to alienate you from your chosen friends, by not liking any of them. God forbid if any of them took your side against him during one of those marathon arguments!This is affecting you deeper than you may realize. It has troubled you to the point that you're seeking advice.The only advice I can offer is that you should get out of this situation before you get hurt.
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