A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys,I'm almost a month and a half out of a 5+ year relationship and I'm having a hard time. I feel like I'm doing this break up thing the best I can but it's not enough. I work more than a fulltime job, I joined a gym, I see friends, I laugh, but no one replaces my person. I feel hollow. I was the one that broke up with him, and I did it for what I thought were the right reasons. I never WANTED to break up with him, but I felt like I NEEDED to, because I felt like something was missing, I didn't feel fulfilled, etc. I thought that the doubts I've had for years would become clarified on my own, and with time, but I'm still as confused because I have really strong, positive memories of us competing with this other feeling. Usually I convince myself that breaking up was still the best option, that any other choice wouldn’t be fair to him, to me figuring this out, but it hurts so bad. I'm VERY negative and hard on myself about what I've done to us, and I miss us and what we had. I know it's not what he wants either. I go back and forth about what is best, what I want, what we had, how could either of us have let this happen, should we try again that sometimes I think that I need someone (a professional) to guide me. My ex has finally taken my requests for couples counseling, which I wanted this past year, into consideration NOW. I DON’T think I'm stable enough to could get back together with him without a counselor because I have little faith in myself in seeing there's a different endpath than running away, so I’m scared if I get back into it I'll screw it up only to have to restart the grieving and mending all over again. Maybe a counselor could help me figure out alternate views and pathways of perceiving my relationship that will help me forgive myself, figure out my doubts, and bring me together with him again. Even if it came out that we felt like we couldn't do this, I think then I could feel like we did everything we could to make it work, and it might help us really get closure and move on and understand why we can't be together. I guess I wonder, if we’re both willing to take the risk, what have we got to lose? Fragile independence, meeting others I would write off anyway at this stage…I don’t know. What do you think, do you think this is stupid?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2011): it sounds like what you would do better with is individual counseling, not couples counseling.
this isn't about your relationship, it's about you.
my husband and I did couples counseling when I was ready to divorce after 11 years of a tumultous marriage (and 18 years total together). In the end we still divorced but in a better way and having grown as individuals.
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