A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 20 year old female who has resorted to wanting to remain a virgin and stay single for life. Although I've never been in a relationship, they just do not appeal to me. Because of my slight insecurities with myself (naturally lanky, no curves and quiet) I'd rather just be to myself. (I've been told I'm attractive and beautiful, but thats another story.) Physically speaking, I don't think I'll be able to "satisfy" anyone. Sex has also never appealed to me. I've never liked the thought of sex and find it a little disturbing. I just don't find myself attracted to people in that way. Things don't go as planned as I want them to and I have hard time opening up and trusting people as is, so why can't I just keep to myself? I like my solitude and freedom. Yes, I am a young adult but why do other adults continuously view me as immature and selfish for closing this part of me off? Some say I'm not mature and something must have gone wrong in my adolecense to make me this way. I understand that relationships and marriage are a way of life and I do want kids whether its by artificial insemination or adoption. I've had to raise myself and overcame a lot of obstacles that came with that and I don't want to add to it. I don't think that anyone can give me what I want but me. Why cant I provide all that I need by myself? And why am I considered selfish? I don't think I'm keeping myself from someone. I know 20 is young to make a decision but I don't believe in love and sex. I think I can manage on my own and fulfill my life through my own independence and career. Now, I do believe in friendships, like really great, fulfilling, meaningful friendship, just not relationships. Thanks in advance for the answersP.S. I've gotten approached a few times and I always say no. I've tried giving it a go twice but it goes nowhere and I've given up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2013): Main issue here is self esteem. Youre insecure about your body/looks. Obviously sex wouldnt work out in that case. Youd be too preoccupied on your looks,performance etc. So you would rather save yourself the trouble. You need to learn love your body, love yourself. Dont underestimate yourself in any way. You can continue staying single if you like, but one thing's important: be comfortable with yourself, appreciate your body.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn response to the anonymous reader (March 17 2013)and anybody else who reads, I'm not a lesbian or attracted to females in any sexual way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2013): Give it time. Particularly as you get older a companion is a very useful thing to have, regardless of whether love is involved.
It's not like you have to wear a vermillion F on your shirt for 'fuck off'. You never know, you might change and find sex appealing.
Also, is it possible that you are attracted to women but haven't realized it?
BTW you also say you want kids. Ask ANYBODY which is easier: being a single parent or having a partner in parenting...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2013): OP, if you don't want to be in a relationship there's nothing wrong with it. A lot of commenters here seem to be saying there's something wrong with you for not wanting a relationship, or that you need to change something about yourself so that you'll want one. I say, don't listen to them. If you change your mind and start wanting one but need help going about it then that's something else. But for now, you are at a point where you don't want one. there is nothing wrong with that. do what feels right for you. If right now it feels right to be on your own and not seek out any relationship, then that's fine because that's what you need right now. If this never changes that's fine too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2013): You'll be surprised. Mr right will whisk you off your feet. Tell us when he does.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 March 2013):
 PS. My boyfriend also thought relationships weren't for him. He was 24 and never had a relationship, a virgin and unkissed (except for a childhood peck), and had decided to spend his life alone. He wasn't seeking relationships, and he didn't think he'd be good enough for anyone (like you are thinking about yourself and your body).
Like you he was also uneasy about physical contact, didn't even like to be hugged. He didn't even want his little one year old niece to cuddle with him. Whenever a girl tried to sit on his lap he'd brush her off and get up. He just felt generally uncomfortable about it, and he thought sex would be equally awkward and uncomfortable.
But when he realized I actually meant business when I told him I love him, well.. it's weird how all of those illusions about him "never having a girlfriend" and "intimacy is uncomfortable" just vanished like thin air.
He couldn't picture himself ever being with a woman. Funny how your ideas about who you are, what you want, and how things work in your life, suddenly can just flip around and you see things from a whole new angle. So, don't deny yourself the chance if it presents itself in the future, and don't think you, at 20, know what life has in store for you. You never know what you have ahead of you, who you'll meet, or what will happen in your life. So keep an open mind.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (14 March 2013):
Look, you're free to do what you want. It's probably just your parents who will be disappointed that they wont get grandchildren, but they will get over it.
However, don't be too strict with yourself. So you don't feel like entering any relationship right now. Fine, no one's forcing you. But don't say you'll NEVER enter a relationship. What happens if 5 years from now, or 10 years from now, you've fallen madly in love with the most amazing person you've ever met, and they are equally excited about you and make you feel over the clouds happy? Do you tell them "sorry, can't be in a relationship with you because at 20 I decided to never enter one"?
Wouldn't it be better if you just relax about this whole thing and let whatever happens happen, and if it doesn't it doesn't. Chill. Take it easy. Don't make any grand promises to God or yourself about dying a virgin and unkissed and untouched. Just go with the flow instead. Right now you don't feel like it, fine.. don't. But if you happen to feel like it later on then that's fine too.
Whatever you decide on as 20 years old is likely NOT to be the same you want when you're 30. Sheez, I just think back at when I was 20, still low in confidence (and I had more confidence than most of my peers even), still didn't have a clue, still didn't really know much about men or relationships. I was just tumbling around blindfolded. Things didn't start to shape up (and the men didn't start to shape up) before turning 25. Closing in on 30 and the guys are finally starting to grow up and be mature and lovely boyfriends.
So just saying... might be nothing fancy or to your liking at the table right now, but don't lock yourself up in the monastery either.
And, final note, you need to take this self loathing bit seriously. You can't possibly satisfy anyone with your body? Are you nuts? Of course you can. Don't tell yourself lies like that. It's not okay to go around saying things like that to yourself, you're only bringing yourself down and lowering your self worth by saying such things about yourself. Take some pride in yourself instead and work on appreciating who you are.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2013): Your choice isn't any more selfish than the countless people who seek relationships and marriage because it will benefit them (financially, not being lonely, wanting a family and a partner to help raise kids) . Next time someone has the rudeness to call you selfish ask them why they are in a relationship or marriage. Isn't that due to selfish reasons too?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 March 2013):
 Not being in a relationship for the RIGHT reasons is fine.
You list these reasons.
1. Insecurities
2. Body type
3. Mis-belief that you won’t be able to satisfy anyone
4. Lack of trust
I think that the reasons you list are not acceptable in my opinion. Two tries (two dates or two failed relationships?) is not a lot.
Personally I think that maybe before you make this decision you might want to work with a professional counselor to deal with the issues of trust, and insecurity as well as self-esteem issues. ONCE you can rule out hiding from life so you don’t have to deal with doing the hard work to love yourself, if then you are still happy being alone by all means go for it.
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male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (14 March 2013):
 If you wish to remain single, that's absolutely fine. You should be under no obligation to society to be paired up with anyone.
Are you happy being by yourself? If you are, then go for it! There are certain things that single people can do that people in relationships can't do very easily, like working in different countries or spending lots of time on hobbies. Enjoy your single life!
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (14 March 2013):
 i don't think it makes you selfish at all. what you choose to do with yourself and your life is entirely up to you. it sounds like you've done so much on your own, even down to raising yourself, that you just don't feel the need for companionship or any form of dependence on anyone. i think you've just gotten so used to being alone that it feels like a waste of time otherwise.
however, i would like to point out that relationships don't have to mean that you lose independence. you can still be completely independent, yet still find someone to share your life with.
you said "I don't think that anyone can give me what I want but me. Why cant I provide all that I need by myself?" here's the way i look at this in reference to me. i do provide everything i need for myself. i work and put a roof over my head. i have food, shelter, clothing, transportation. i have friends, family. i am completely happy and content in my life the way it is. i have provided myself with everything i need. i could live the rest of my life this way, no douubt. but i choose to want companionship. a relationship for me is not a need. i don't NEED anyone. i CHOOSE to have them. i want them. they add to the joy of my life. i think that's the problem for a lot of people. they fill voids with relationships and place such a need on them. they become completely dependent on their relationships. but it doesn't have to be that way. it SHOULDN'T be that way. you can still provide yourself with all the things you need, while still enjoying the company of another person who just adds to the joy of your life. it's just like having another person there to share in your happy moments or sad moments. could you survive without them during the sad moments? sure. you could and you have. but they make it just a bit easier. and could you still be happy for yourself in a moment of joy? of course. but sometimes having someone there to share in it with you makes it even better. that's my take on it.
but if you don't feel this way about companionship, there's nothing wrong with you. you just aren't used to not doing everything on your own. and that's okay. no harm in that. everyone is different. i wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (14 March 2013):
 HI
Your not selfish for wanting to be along, but I think you will regret it one day that you never gave love a chance. When we get ourself in such a habbit it can be scarey to have change, by the sounds of things you have not been shown much love in your life which is why you don't feel you need it now. But there are some lovely people in this world still and yes some bad, but i'm guessing your a little to smart to fall for an idiot anyway. Please don't give up on love because love always has a way of finding you, you just have to let it in.
Mandy x
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (14 March 2013):
It sounds like you're asexual. It's not common, but it's not unheard of. As long as you're happy then why would there be a problem?
As to whether or not it's selfish; I'd say it is but only technically, as are most decisions related to love/relationships.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2013): It isn't selfish. Why would you think it is?
People love to judge others who choose a different path. I am married but my husband and I have chosen not to have kids. Instead we devote our time and energy and money to helping homeless animals. You wouldn't believe how many people accuse me of being selfish because of this. (Yeah like spending all their time and energy on just their own biological kids while ignoring the rest of the world who lives in poverty including other countless kids isn't equally selfish?)
People just love to judge others because choosing a different life makes them insecure in their own values and mindless choices. Your independence threatens them.
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