A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I really do not like it when other men kiss my wife on the lips. These are friends - just 2 or so. They do it as a greeting, when, for example, we first meet up for the night, and then again when we say good bye. I am fairly certain it has nothing to do with their wanting my wife, but guess what, I still don't like it. I wouldn't presume to do it to their wives, and don't like them doing it to mine.My wife says I just need to get over it. She says it's the European way, or sometimes, that she thinks it's nice, that they are communicating how much we...WE...mean to them. And its weird or juvenile for me to have a problem with it.Thing is, I do have a problem with it. I asked her to stop it. No confrontation or anything. Just turn your head, like 95% of the friends where we live do. She says it's not that easy, and she doesn't want to offend them. Thus ensues our argument: "you care more about other men's feelings than those of your husband" (me); your request is childish and unreasonable " (her)What are your thoughts on this? Am I way off base? Do you just need to deal with it? Or is it OK for me to expect my wife to avoid doing something when I express to her that it makes me uncomfortable?Thanks.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2013): Original OP here again. Much thanks to you all for taking the time to offer your insight. Many of you have used the word "resentment". That is the word she used as well: "we had a great night, then you put a big damper on it by getting angry at such a minor and normal act. That makes me feel resentful of you, as trying to control me, or pressure me to change how I feel very normal acting." I'm not really sure what to do now. I told her my feelings. Her response is basically that she feels even more strongly to not honor those feelings. Stated another way, she sees my being upset over such a small thing as petty and minor in comparison to her feelings of upset and resentfulness that I am monitoring her interactions and pressuring her to act differently than she wouldChoose on her own (e.g. Controlling). I really don't know what if anything I should or can do at this point....if she told me something I was doing towards another woman made her feel bad, I would stop immediately. Period....
A
female
reader, neecolea +, writes (25 March 2013):
 The more you think about this I think that you will see that this is just a sign of bigger issues between you. You are being very reasonable. Your feelings should be her priority in this situation. Perhaps she is doing this to "push your buttons," so to speak.
Your request is small in the sense that moving from lip kissing to cheek kissing with your mutual friends would not create waves. Thus, her reasons for doing this are not honest...whether she realizes it or not.
Take "Cerberus" comments to heart. He is spot on.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 March 2013):
 I have one close female friend who I just on the rare occasion kiss on the lips as a greeting or good-bye. But I know several mothers who kiss their children on the lips... So a simple peck on the lips isn't sexual really. I also like to keep things casual and not up-tight, so for me it's fine to not have such boundaries. But rather, if it makes one partner uncomfortable, you discuss it without guilt tripping the partner. I had a boyfriend once who guilt tripped me because I gave my friend a peck on the lips during a night out. It really put me off him that he confronted me with it like that, and because of his confrontation and "limits" I just feel resentment. So I have a hard time trying to see it from your point of view, to me it's just controlling. Why would it bother you if she kisses friends on the lips when it's just a small peck? It should bother you just as much as a hug. Then again, I do believe that if something actually makes the other person uncomfortable you discuss it and respect one another. However I feel that your argument is "You should do what I tell you to because I'm your husband" and then you attack her with accusations "You care more about them than me" and have a tantrum. And then she is equally childish about it, just talking back. By now I have a feeling she's kissing these guys on the lips just to spite you. And you're refusing to kiss her as a way of punishing her. You're both adults, now start talking properly and respect one another. Respect that she decides if she wants to kiss her friends on the lips or not. You don't get to decide that. You can, however, divorce if it makes you so unhappy. Or suck it up, because it's not the end of the world and no ones perfect. She on the other hand should start being fair with herself and you: she's kissing them on the lips because SHE wants to. She thinks it's nice, she's used to it, and she doesn't like being told what she can or can't do. It's not at all about not wanting to hurt the friends... If they actually are friends it shouldn't be a problem saying "no", and if they are friends they wouldn't feel hurt. And if she didn't like it she wouldn't do it.. Really. If she let the feelings of others dictate her to that degree she'd do whatever you told her to as well. So whatever her friends would/wouldn't feel, I'm pretty sure is irrelevant.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 March 2013):
 OP I get what you are saying. I myself am not comfortable kissing anyone but my spouse on the lips. not my kids not my dad (who is a lip kisser) or anyone else...
for me a split second turn of the head slightly gets them my cheek and mine theirs... and they think it a miss..... not an insult.
I'm sorry your wife is not being respectful of what I see as a perfectly acceptable request.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2013): There's nothing normal about what she's doing OP, you're not asking her to second guess herself your asking for some respect for you feelings on this issue. It's not going to go away for you OP. How is it second guessing to switch to the cheek? How? I really don't get that. Frankly OP you made a big mistake by appeasing her just to end the argument. You're too afraid of seeing this through and frankly I don't blame you. It's the most simple request in the world, "cheek instead please it makes me really uncomfortable" but this is not just a meaningless act to her OP, she is defending this far too much, being far too defensive.
You know I'm finding it hard to think of a good solution here. Except the saying it out loud to a group of trusted friends getting their opinion on it.
Other options I would think of would probably just escalate this and create further bitterness. I'd consider not kissing her after she's kissed another guy because frankly the thought would be disgusting to me, but then if she stops because of that then she'll feel blackmailed and that would just create a situation of bitterness and resentment on her part. Another option would be to tell those male friends you don't like that kiss on the lips and to stop, but then that's going behind her back and you shouldn't do that either.
You know the only thing I can think of is to sit her down and tell her very clearly that this is becoming very bad for you. That not switching to the cheek is making you very bitter and you can feel some very serious resentment start to creep in. That you don't want to kiss her lips when another man just has, not as means of blackmail, not as any kind of punishment just the idea is too unpleasant. I honestly think you need outside help with this though OP, I'd recommend marriage counselling. I know that seems to be a thing you might think is only for couples who are killing each other all the time and this may not be worth going for, but I think it is OP. Marriage counselling is just mediation and a means to communicate out loud with a person who can give objective unbiased advice.
OP there's a deeper issue here somewhere, there is a reason she thinks doing this is too important and actually worth risking losing you. Or maybe OP, you're a bit of a soft touch and she knows she will get her way because you'll just back down all the time. It is not normal for this supposedly meaningless thing to be so important that she'd rather make you bitter and hurt than stop. Or maybe she just doesn't know how bad it really is because you haven't made it clear to her. You have to find a way of letting her know this is snowballing into something that has the potential to ruin your marriage, she has to know it's that serious for you and that you should go get outside help. None of her "reasons" are acceptable. None, and they change every time you ask so you still don't know why she does this.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 March 2013):
 But that's the point, she is not being a NORMAL kind and loving friend, because this is not normal either by American or European standards ,it's instead crossing boundaries. So she is going above and beyond the call of duty to show her friendliness. ( Be grateful that you don't have any Eskimo friends, aren't they those who supposedly swap wives with their guests as a gesture of courtesy ?)
I think she is playing dumb,if she does not get that.
I can understand that she does not want to second guess herself, to hold herself back etc.etc., in other words that she wants to be free to do what she likes, but, this authomatically begets the question : how come she LIKES to kiss the lips ( an intimate , even erotic gesture ) of other men ?
Did you ask her ?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2013): Original op here. I told my wife, again, that I did not like this and would prefer if she turned her cheek. She started saying its awkward to do so, she doesn't want to offend the guy, etc. I commented that his wife has no qualms about turning her head to me. (Not that I would ever kiss her on the lips anyway). To make a long story short, I did not kiss my wife on the lips last night when we went to bed. She had just done the same to that guy again a few hours before. She angrily confronted me. I said I kiss you when I feel close to you, it doesn't make me feel close to you when I make what I see as a small request, which you refuse, prioritizing the feelings of people outside our marriage. She said its not about the other guys feelings, but here. She doesn't like having to be constantly second guessing herself, particularly when she is just being a normal kind and loving friend, because her husbands jealous BS. I ended up saying something to the effect of "I guess if it means that much to you, go ahead. I don't want to be responsible for for ing you to change who you are." I guess I said that to just end and get out of the argument. But when I think back now, I still don't u derstand why she would t honor such a simple request. It makes me have zero, ZERO, desire to kiss her. Truth be told, her reaction has made this a much bigger issue in my mind. We are at an impass.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 March 2013):
What European way ?! I am from Europe, and I visited so far 23 European countries, in none they have this custom, it would be seen as strange .And /or inappropriate.
Let's add friends or colleagues from European countries that I did not visit ( Finland, Rumenia, Albania... ) and who don't kiss on the lips either, I'd say we have covered a good 80% of European nations and this kiss-on-lips is not done. Sure , there's a 20% that I don't know anything about, but it is statistically improbable , I'd say, that I have always just chanced upon the non-kissing countries :). Of course if this is a particular habit of people from some remote angle of, say, Erzegovina ..well, they should not pass it off as " the European way " .
What they do in Europe in SOME countries ( and more in the movies than in real life ) is the kiss-on-cheek, mwah mwah thing. And often it's more like air kisses , you don't even actually kiss the skin.
I think that your wife is either misinformed- or else a huge flirt who digs the up-and-close attention.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2013): I`m European and its cheek kisses we do, not full on lip kisses, so i dont know why your wife should think we all go about kissing each other on the lips, because we dont. It is a very intimate form of kissing and normally reserved for those of the opposite/same sex that we are intimate with. So i can understand your discomfort when she is doing this right under your nose with other guys. It sends the message that she enjoys being intimate with them and that is more important to her than your feelings.
You clearly arent getting any sense out of your wife regarding this matter. So do you have to associate with these men? If its possible to cut them out, i would do so. They cant be true friends of yours. If they were, they wouldnt be kissing your wife in that fashion. They are disrespecting you.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (25 March 2013):
No its not the european way. If she has always done this then maybe you shouldnt be so freaked. Does she do the same with women? I have a married friend that does this and it definately feels hot and one is tempted to linger a bit longer than a peck on the cheek!
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A
female
reader, R1  +, writes (24 March 2013):
 Have you expresses how much this upsets you? It's possible age doesn't realise how big a deal this is to you.
I've never kissed a friend on the lips unless I've had a physical relationship with them (either current or past). So I think she's being a bit of a flirt. It's perfectly fair enough to be annoyed at her flirting with other men.
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A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (24 March 2013):
 I don't think you're off base.
Would you be comfortable confronting your friends about this as well? I'm sure that, as your friends, they would be more receptive to your discomfort.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2013): You know what I would do OP? Next time you're out to dinner/at a party with friends and she's with you. Ask them all openly if they would ever be offended by a woman not kissing them on the lips. They'll answer no obviously. She'll probably try and defend herself by asking if they'd have a problem with their wife kissing other guys on the lips, and most will say they do if they're honest, if she doesn't ask them then make that your next question to them.
I mean if this is just a harmless, innate thing then she can't possibly be pissed off by you asking a group can she? Play her at her own game OP, test her assertions and see if they hold up to scrutiny.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (24 March 2013):
 I'm European and I can assure you that's not the 'European way'. We will kiss each other on the cheek sometimes, and lightly at that.
I wouldn't be ok with it. I don't see why you should either.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2013): My opinion is she's full of shit. First off you live in America, not Europe so those customs aren't necessary for American men.
Secondly the European thing is 3 kisses on the cheeks in the vast majority of countries.
Thirdly have you ever in your entire life heard of a guy who would be offended because a woman who is spoken for didn't kiss him on the lips? That's right you haven't, because it's not a thing. It's completely illogical therefore she's lying.
Therefore she's not kissing them on the lips for the purposes of social custom, she's doing it for one reason only and that's that she wants to kiss other guys lips.
That would piss me right off OP and I wouldn't tolerate it. Her "reasons" are bullshit, she is defending her "right" to far too much for this to just be a meaningless social custom and frankly she doesn't give a shit how uncomfortable it makes you even to make a slight adjustment to the cheeks instead.
You're in trouble OP, kissing another guy on the lips is more important to her than your feelings. Not good at all. This is trouble.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2013): Yes! I believe that kissing of the lips is for those of your lovers and no one else. I wouldn't dare kiss another man on the lips just because I know how it would make my husband feel. That and I would also not like it of my husband to be kissing other woman on the lips.
You can try this, however Kiss another woman on the lips as you come in the door and when you leave. See if it even touches your wifes feelings. If it does she will understand where you are coming from.
Wish you luck.
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