A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,I just need to get your views on this stupid situation I am in. I've been seeing this guy for a few months. He introduced me to his friends a few months ago. I clicked with one of his friends straight away. Anyway this week, I saw my guy and his mate. As they were leaving his mate and I chatted on our own for a while. He was telling me about his girlfriend problems. I told him I had problems with my guy in that I didn't see him as often as I liked. The mate told my guy after my guy kept asking him what we were talking about. My guy then got the hump with me. Since that day me and his mate have been texting each other every day and he calls me every day. We chat about life as we have been through the same experiences. The other night I text my guy saying "hi". He text back and said he was going to sleep. The next day he text me asking why I had text him the previous night and that he had tried calling but my phone was busy. Yes I was talking to his mate. I replied asking who he'd been talking to? i.e thinking his mate had said something. He got angry with me and since then has not spoken to me even though I have tried to text him. Is it really wrong of me to talk to his mate? I really like his mate but only as a friend and his mate feels the same as me. Why is my guy being like this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is in response to LoveGirl.
My new guy had been having problems with his girl for a while and it turned out she had been lying to him. When he found out he confronted her but she refused to discuss anything with him. He hasn't heard from her since.
We then met up on 26 March and had a chat. Nothing happened at all. We parted as friends. I didn't hear from my ex until 2nd April. We met up on 3 April and had a real heart to heart. We both spoke about past grievances that we had never discussed with each other. For example I told my ex that I had not seen him alone since 15 Jan until 3 April and i just wanted a little more than that. At the end of it all, we agreed that we would be friends.
I met up with my new guy on 6th April and things progressed.
A
female
reader, LoveGirl  +, writes (12 April 2010):
this was posted on the 20th March and by the 12 April you and your bf's friend hooked up. Did you both dump the people you were seeing first. what happened to his girlfriend? how did she take the breakup.
Anyways when i read this now, without seeing your update, I could read you by the book. Didn't need to have a crystal ball to see that you would hook up with your bf's friend.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (11 April 2010):
 Thanks for your update. I see the situation has now changed and the path is clear for you .
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust wanted to update you all on my situation. Well me and my guy communicated less and less and we split. I then started to see his mate as just a friend at first. Now we are together and he makes me happy. He spends time with me, we laugh together, he listens to me and remembers things I tell him.
My ex and I are still friends and speak more than we used to!
Thanks for your advice guys, it certainly made me think and in some cases, laugh out loud.
Love to you all xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2010): Having a friend or mate of the opposite sex when you have a partner of the opposite sex, especially if it's one of their mates, doesn't work, with every relationship. Some people partners get really peaved when they find out you've been texting or conversing alot with another person of their sex. In the Christian Bible, for example, it says not to councel the opposite sex, but to let it councel itself. This, of course, can be interpreted in many ways, but the idea of stating that is to keep hard feelings from happening, and I'm only using the Bible as a decent reference, since it was a topic of the last question I read..not to push its teachings on you. I noticed that mere hanging out with or association with the opposite sex, but usually with close friends or anyone closely around you, is what causes the most friction between partners. For that reason, go ahead and ask people questions or discuss things in places like this, since I'm sure he would understand that alot more than you going and chatting it up with one of his male buddies. Tell him to do the same, and why, just as I explained here, since most people don't see how that can be a problem, but that there are also alternative, peaceful methods to be heard or have your issues or questions answered.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (21 March 2010):
Would you be concerned, wary and jealous if your guy text and talk to your g/f more than to you and texting everyday about your problems?
Would you like your g/f's and everyone to know what's going on between the two of you . You won't have privacy anymore as your story will become gossip .You may also be exposed to ridicule and contempt.
Now ,you are being a friend to his mate but who knows what will happen if you carry on like this ?
He feels threatened or intimidated by his mate and you are not doing him any favours by being so cosy with his mate.
Put yourself in his shoes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2010): Hun, you are making yourself look so bad to both of these guys and you really should know better at your age. Neither of these men are going to have much respect for you and you are digging yourself into a no win situation.
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A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (21 March 2010):
 You're using HIS mate as your confidant to talk about HIM. This will cause his friend to make opinions and judgements based on YOUR input instead of a standalone friendship with your partner. Therefore, you are interfering in his friendships! He should be the one talking to his own mates about his problems if he wants to, ... you should be talking to yours. You're not being respectful of your boyfriends relationships with other people.
You are not being respectful of his mate either (tho he is crossing boundaries himself too) by making him a third party in your relationship and putting him in the position of the go-between. And that is what he has become when you are asking your boyfriend who he has been talking to - presuming the friend said something. With whom should this friends loyalties lay?
If with his mate - he will repeat things to him that then cause further issue (such as bought up in the phonecall), ..if with you he is betraying his friendship with your boyfriend.
Off load to one of your own friends and none of this dynamic would be created.
I'm with your boyfriend on this one and can totally understand why he is not taking kindly to what is going on. Not to mention you are having phone convo's with the mate and reducing the boyfriend to text messages which is bound to have got his nose out of joint too. I think you need to back off, find your OWN confidant's and leave him to his.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz  +, writes (21 March 2010):
You really can't be this clueless...you're 26-29 and don't get why this is wrong? Okay, think if he was talking to one of your girlfriends more than he talks to you. Umm would you be happy? No. And eventually, I'm sure you and/or his friend will like each other more than friends at one time. It's common sense really, and someone you just don't do plain and simple out of respect for your boyfriend, which you are showing a lack of.
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A
female
reader, Entirely Unique +, writes (21 March 2010):
 I'm actually not surprised your boyfriend is feeling like this, you say you that you spoke to his friend about how you don't see your boyfriend as much as you'd like to yet you pick chatting on the phone to his friend when you could be on the phone to your boyfriend instead.I understand you get on with this bloke and you share experiences etc but you've got to remember he is your boyfriends friend, I wouldn't be surprised if your boyfriend felt like he was losing his girlfriend and his friend all in one go as you're spending more time texting/chatting to him than you are your boyfriend.If this situation was reversed and your boyfriend started up a friendship with one of your friends and spent more time giving her attention than you, how would you feel?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2010): Dumb move to complain about your man infront of his mate! Carry yourself with more class and stop chasing this mate with a girlfriend or else he's going to see this as a free pass to playing you and then your boyfriend will dump you and both them will stay friends and you'll kicked to the curb by both.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2010): Basically your boyfriend came first. If you had meet his friend before you started dating him, than he has no say on whether or not you can speak to another man. You were introduced to him through your boyfriend. Maybe you're boyfriend is feeling uncomfortable and a bit jealous. Is this trouble really worth it though? If you and his friend agree that everything is mutual and platonic, than you both should come to terms and end the friendship if it is really hurting you boyfriend
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