A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My Kids dad cheated and now is acting like the victim.. my boyfriend practically husband of 13 years cheated, left me and the kids for the other women.. now is living with the new girl and expects for his kids 11, 7 boys and 6 years girl to go after him and call him. We have had our problems like every relationship, last september my friend from high school (which i never have nothing to do with) ran in to us at costco.. told me to give him a call because he was coaching youth football. We signed my son up, he was mostly there for my son practices and both of us always together at every game.. He got to know the coach/my friend and everything was fine.. In november when the season ended the coach/my friend told the team he wouldnt be coaching next season because he would be serving in the military... starting january, i mentioned to partner that it would be nice if we could send a care package while he was in the military!! from there all hell let loose..!!! I was questioned if i was doing something with my coach? if i was seeing him behind his back? and he had noticed how the coach would look at me at the games!!! I was annoyed to the fact that he would be jealous, which is an issue he just doesnt seem to get over. Tries to control what i do, what i wear, and how i dress to work..i never allowed it..i would tell him to get over his childlish ways.. and stupidity. I started noticing how the relationship started going south after this.. we would try to talk about it but he's the kind of person who always wants to have the last word... who will yell at the top of his lungs just to be heard, i started walking away from arguments and our relationship started getting better at least i thought!!! I would come home and he would be waiting, he was very touchy.. but when it comes to intimate times he would ask in the middle of it... you're never going to leave me for the COACH are you? come on!!! how can a woman proceed after this? He started to hang out with my oldest son god father, he had cheated once like 7 yrs ago so i least i knew the ins and out of getting played on. So he's hanging out coming home at a decent time, he's picking up the phone and all... our relationship seems to be getting better, we start decorating the house and he's helping out with decision making which he typically never does... i told myself, i need to keep this going because our relationship has came out from the darkness we were both heading in to... Come middle of january, he leaves, calls me at 1am and ask if its ok if he stays a little later... i said fine just as long as you dont continue drinking... come 2am, 4am i call and he tells me im going home in 20 mins... i worried wondering is he too drunk? come 5am he walks in and says im sorry i stayed out late... i was so mad, because he still expected for me to sleep with him after he had basically showered in hard liquor. On the next morning we talked and i mentioned how i didnt want those scenes to happend again where the kids could see he's walking in at that time... and if he needed to continue drinking and could stay out all night with his friends and not worry about the family then it was best he start appreciating the family more. Well everything was going fine until he receive a text msgs in the middle of the night!!! i asked who was it? he said an 800 number!!! i went crazy how stupid can you be to lie to me about someone txt from 800 in the middle of the night, my mind started to trigger but i held my self back, then come the last wknd of feb he leaves and i asked if he was thinking of doing anything with the family all wknd? he walked out ignoring me... I call and i asked for him to come back because we needed to talk he says "dont hold you breath waiting cuz you might die" he started to claim how i was not his mother and i couldnt tell him what to do, and how he could what ever he wanted...never came home until 5am the next day, i waited for him because his phone was off all night.. he walks in and he cant even look at me straight in the eyes... im telling myself, this bastard just cheated again on me... i aint no fool, i told him that it was best he cont doing what he was doing and went back to where he had spent the night because i wasnt allowing it again, we argue like cats and dogs and came to the conclusion that he wasn't happy because he knew i was having an affair with the coach!! Oh my god, the poor guy is in iraq and here is this person accusing him of having an affair with me, trying to act like i was the one who brought us to this..how i would have sex with him? of course he was thinking of the coach the whole time, how could i? we tried to talk about it and it came down where he ended up saying the worse things that i women can hear, how he wanted to be happy and happiness was only when he was outer... remember this guy is 43 and im 31... he ended up leaving which i never expected, come to find out 2 days later he's living with a new girl... and he calls 2 wks after saying he wants to talk to the kids... by now the kids and myself are hurt, angry, have many questions, i let him talk to the kids, he comes to the house and tells the kids he left because he needed to be happy...how selfish can a ma be to his kids, i would of understood better if he got his own place and arrange to see the kids every other day but it wasnt like that, he couldnt he was too busy building a spiritual connection with his new gf...we have argue, the kids declined to talk to him..while i was in the shower he called and drunk and yelled at the kids for not calling him or checking up on him...i declined to his phone call or msgs, yesterday he shows up at the house unexpected and tells me he wants to see the kids... ask me if i have anyone living with me? lol wow he really hasnt grown up... having to pick myself up from where he left me and still manage to answer questions that i dont have answers to, my kids have loss focus in school and lost weight, they like to be on their own or right next to me huggin me. Well he walks in and the kids dont bother saying hello, huggin or nothing he ask for a hug and the decline until he goes up to them, he apologizes for what he did but says he needed to be happy...i told my son to ask the questions he wants to know since i cant answer them..my son asks when can you take us to your new apt and his dad says its not yet the right time... my son said why? you got a girlfriend? he runs out of the house.. slams the door and the kids again go back to square one... he calls and tell me i put him on the spot and im coaching the kids.. that instead of helping him reconnect with the kids im taking them away from him... hello!!! who made the choice? my son cried all night, i finally said no more arguments, no more voice msgs saying how much he missed the kids and how much he loved them and how we need to be friends, txt msgs saying i want you to give me the kids and have them stay with me... i swear he thinks the kids are toys, so i finally said no more, changed the locks... and changed my phone number... i have to focus 100% on the kids since he just comes back to hurt them more.. the kids miss him but are more angry and have all this feeling about the situation.... Its been 13 yrs, of course i love him, but im also very hurt... i feel like a old doll with a knife in my heart still having him twisting side to side... having to stay strong for the kids, i cry on my alone times, on my way to work, in the shower, while the kids sleep and since he left i wake up every 2 hrs.. im am hurt, very hurt. What would YOU do in my situation?
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female
reader, neyney +, writes (21 March 2010):
Thank you for the advise as far as lonely two, was engaged never married...but 13 yrs together, it felt like he was my husband and the one i would spend the rest of my life with.
Right now, he's with the new girl. He did cheat before it was 6 yrs in to the relationship, why he cheated? he were renovatting the house and he's mom was sick...it was best he stayed with her and the kids with me at my parents..he focused more attention to goin out and drinking while he was suppost to be after his mother.
Before the current affair, he even said " we're making great progress in us" we were doing more things together, he was more lovable then usual, the previous affair from 7 yrs...nothing again he just felt like a dog off the leash i guess. He was free to do what ever he wanted..Before the affair, he did have a good head on his shoulders...when things got ruff first person he would come to was me..his mother died about 1 1/2 ago, he's not close with his family at all. Doesnt have too many friends..Nothing prior to this current affair gave me a sign it was going sour...it was the other way around. When this happend, it felt like he did a 360 on me..was not expecting it at all. Lacking???? he wanted sex daily...and i would go along even when i was really tired he would tell me how much he love me and stay hugged after our intimate moments, about communicating..like i said..the second he heard something he didnt like he would yelled and get mad and then expect me to apologize? why? i couldnt even get a word in. This is why i figure, im going to step out of your life..and be a mom/dad to this kids. I cant wait on a 43 yr old to make up his mind between his affair and the kids..i learn my self that when my kids were born i became secondary and kids primary. Why does he not comprehend that? he puts him self first and expect me and the kids to feel bad for him..the victims are the kids. Im tired of him trying to act like the victim...
Aunty BimBim...thank you for the advise, i told my self if he wants to see the kids he has to go thru me...im ready to take the bull by the horns, because i know he's going to loose it once he finds out i changed my phone number. Its unreal, im face with giving explanations and answers to questions i dont even know. Thanks again to both
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (21 March 2010):
 I've been in your situation.
You get on with it. You dont answer his texts or his phone calls unless they are to do with the children's health and well being.
You seek legal advise. You do what you can to protect yourself and your children financially. You get a job. You be both parents, you be the person you want your children to grow up to be, because they learn from example.
You cannot cut this man from your life, or your children's lives, but you don't have to run around making sure it all goes as he wants.
He is the parent, its up to him to act adult, if he wants to see the children he needs to organise it with you, and then he needs to facilitate that visit.
Seek legal advise, dot your ii's and cross your tt's. Give him no foot holds to play silly buggars with your life or your childrens.
Good luck, I am sending you as many positive thoughts as I can, you can do this, you have wells of strength and self determination that you are unaware even exist right now -- oh, and the pain does eventually go away, and when you are ready, forgive this idiot of a man who has thrown away untold riches, including the good opinion of his children and a good woman, but never, never forget what he has done.
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