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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Dear cupid... is having friends/ and or relationships really worth it in your opinion?I ask this because from my personal experience, there is a lot of drama and immature people all over the place. It seems as if a lot of my friendships end, even a couple of romantic relationships I have had recently. There seems to be people coming in and out of my life all the time, as if nobody cares anymore, and I feel like I no longer have any true friendships or relationships with people. I'm just very confused. My 'circle of friends' for example, there is always something chaotic going on with everyone, and a lot of times I end up getting caught up in it. I just see a lot of talking behind peoples backs, bullying, etc. The same thing goes for relationships, it's like people have no morals these days. I see a lot of cheating, trust breaking, really disrespectful things that I've dealt with in relationships. It's very stressful that all of this is going on. It's like you can't trust anyone these days. Is it worth it to deal with this and have friendships/relationships? Does anyone else deal with this kind of stuff? What's the best thing I can do for right now?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2013): At your age yeah, I suppose I did have to deal with all that kind of stuff in friendships and things. But no more, mid-30's now and I've weeded all the backstabbing drama queens/kings out of my life. I have exceptionally trustworthy drama free people in my life now.
The thing is though OP when your age I chose to deal with those things, I chose to let them bother me and I let myself get caught up. I'd listen to what Jack had to say about Jill, I'd let myself get caught up in taking sides on who I felt was in the right, I tried to play peacemaker without prompting and all that crap.
What I've learned over the years is to remain emotionally detached from that kind of stuff and frankly if there's a person in my life who is always either causing drama or lets other people create drama with them then I slowly remove them from my life. Too much work to maintain such friendships.
I've had 100's of friends in my life of varying degrees. I have had tens of social groupings and I've learned that people come and go as a matter of course and it's no big deal. There will always be people who care about you, family, friends who do but may not be always around and there will always be more people who will show up who will care about you too.
OP just learn to pick your battles wisely. Use your judgement to best protect yourself in every situation. If Jack cheated on Jill and they're both your friends say nothing and ignore the situation, if Jill is more important to you tell Jack to own up or you'll tell her. If jack is more important to you tell him you think he's a dick for cheating and not to talk about that shit with you anymore.
OP the most important lesson I've learned when it comes to friends is to know your limits and teach your friends those limits. People do a get a pass for crossing the line sometimes but repeat offenders get ditched, certain lines cannot be crossed and it's important friends know what they are so they won't hurt you.
Trust is a complicated one to be honest. My best friend is a cheating dog when it comes to women, seriously one of the most heartless guys you'll ever meet when it comes to women but as a friend to me he would take a bullet, he has gotten the shit kicked out of him defending me has jumped to help me whenever I needed it and always has my back. 100% loyalty and trust.
But trust then varies too OP. One of my longest serving and closest friends is absolutely shit with money, it always disappears, if you lend him some money it's gone and you may not get it back. he'll constantly promise to give it back and feels bad about owing money but he just never has it, he blows it all when he does. He has kids and a wife now and is just constantly broke. So in that sense you cannot trust him, but in all other ways you can. He knows things about me that no one else does and I know he'll keep them secret, he's also the kind of guy who will jump at the chance to help me.
I have another friend who really doesn't see a persons relationship as sacred. Has and will again get with friends ex;s their girlfriends etc. has never tried that with me because I'm a powerful bastard that will break him and he knows it, but he will get with friends girlfriends if he can. Again, you may think the guy is a moralless asshole but he's not, only in this one thing he doesn't see any problem at all. He doesn't agree with monogamy and frankly he thinks it's only up to the spoken for person to not do it and the mistress is never to blame for cheating. He's as awesome a friend as you can imagine, but I can't trust him in this one respect so I guard against it.
My point is OP. How your friendships pan out is down to you and how you handle them. Be ruthless if you have to be but also learn to see the value in people despite certain bad behaviours, none of us are perfect so part of that is accepting a person's flaws as long as they know not cross your boundaries but also do what you have to to ensure they can't accidentally either.
OP it gets easier as you grow, as you learn, they're definitely worth it, in fact we can't really live without them. So just keep going.
A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (12 March 2013):
 i've honestly been questioning a lot of the same things as you recently. it does seem as though there's so many dishonest people in the world these days. and it's disheartening and frustrating. no one seems to know how to be honest and faithful in relationships anymore. it makes you want to just throw your hands in the air and give up. i've been through countless relationships where i've been cheated on or lied to, etc. and every bad experience pays a toll on you as well as changes you.
a lot of people try to tell you not to take excess baggage into your next relationship. but to be honest, i think that's an impossible task. our experiences mold us into who we are. and every good and bad thing changes you and makes you who you are today. so we DO carry that along with us.
at this point in my life i have a realistic viewpoint on relationships and humanity as a whole. there ARE a lot of shitty and messed up people in the world. i'm aware of it and i know what to look out for now. does that quality me as carrying baggage? perhaps. but i just call that being smart and cautious. i know what people are capable of and i'm not naive.
as far as friends are concerned, my view point is that if there's too much drama, i'm out. i don't do drama. especially with my friends. women can be so caddy and shallow sometimes. i can't stand it. that's why i have a lot of male friends. they don't talk behind each others backs the way that women do. but also, i've found that if friendships become too demanding and i feel as though i have a second girlfriend, on top of my current relationship, then i'm also out. friendships should be relatively easy. that's the joy of them. when they become extremely difficult, i back out.
are relationships and friendships worth it? in my opinion, yes. i still have faith that one day, i will find the love of my life and it will make all the years of heartache and pain worth it in the end. i don't think you should give up now. as far as friends are concerned? it will be a very lonely life if you can't have a few friends to share it with. find a few really close friends and keep them for life. that's my suggestion to you.
keep your head up. just know you're not alone. i feel your pain!
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