A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I would really be interested in hearing from married women on this one. What does it mean when your wife seems to be very smitten with a husband of a couple we are becoming friends with? Do I have a right to be upset? Or, should I just relax and go with the flow, as I have no reason to believe that she would ever act onthese somewhat obvious, at least to me, feelings? Is it just natural for married women to have crushes from time to time, and if there is no reason to suspect physical action on these feelings, should I just deal?Here is what is happening. My wife seems captivated with this guys conversation. I am very much the third (rather forth) wheel at times with this couple. When he speaks, he mainly just looks right at her, even if I am standing right there. My wife just has the biggest smile and hangs on his every word and joke. If I try to to make joke/tell a story my wife will often look away. I find the combo of these two very hurtful. I guess I should add that while I am an attractive man, this guy would probably be considered more so than I.This man appears to be very happily married. I have never suspected my wife of cheating, although over the 15 years we have been married II have observed her to act like this (have a crush) maybe 4 or 5 times. I have to say that I have felt a similar number of seemingly hapily married women having what appears to be a crush on me. I obviously don't do anything about it, I just feel sorry for their husbands, who are often my friends...I just don't have crushes on women. I can't seem to understand how this is a normal thing for married people, and no big deal so long as there are no personal meetings, private text conversations or the like? I would be interested in married womens' perspective. Do you have crushes? What do they mean? What, if anything can/should I do?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 February 2012):
 I do think it is a big deal. I wouldn't like it if my hubby did this. He is way more outgoing then me and due to his job talks to many females, soldiers and civilians alike. But I don't think he's ever (openly at least) had a crush on any of them.
I think the guy she has a crush on is being inappropriate as well as your wife. He is digging the attention for sure and I think your wife needs a reality check, personally.
Hubby has had a crush on a celebrity or two and so have I but I find those rather harmless. "real" people is a whole other ballgame IMHO - and for me it's a big no-no. It's akin to emotional cheating or the beginning thereof.
I would sit her down and talk to her, ask her to put "your shoes" on a for a few.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): I take my hat off to u for remaining calm in this situation. I know many men who will not tolerate this blatant disrespectful behaviour.
Your hb seems to have seasonal crushes on other men: are u certain that is all that was: crushes but no emotional or sexual affair/s?
The fact that these 2 blatantly ignore u, blatantly tolerate u while in each others company is cause for concern. Its a respect thing: in your case a disrespectful attitude as well.
Perhaps u come across as a pushover therefore your wife has no concern about your feelings?? Perhaps this "crush" has turned out to be more and it has escalated to the next level? Therefore he looks/stares at her intently , likes her company as well, oblivious to others or merely couldnt give a damn what others think?
In your situation I think u need to re assess your wifes "feelings" . Continuously "falling" for other men while married to u?
How much of time does she spend with this man? Alone time? Email correspondence? Coffee/lunch breaks? Do u have to meet on a social level? Can u not cut back your entertainment/socialising?
Its time to have THAT talk with the wife: a straightforward talk telling her that she is making a fool of herself and a mockery of you and your marriage by batting her eyelids at him, handing onto every word, having that "special" smile/smirk for him, dressing for him (??) And also ignoring you in the process. Of course she will deny it but stick to your guns. Monitor her. Check her cell and email if u have to: dont just sit back and ignore your 6th sense kicking in. Proactive and deliberate: these are your actions.
Check out your wifes history : u may find some sort of emotional cheating and even physical cheating. I am hoping that it is the former only. But u need to investigate.
What irks me is her disrespectful attitude towards u in public: dont tolerate this. U are not a pushover. So start being proactive.
Your wife is investing too much in this man and that is a sure marriage killer.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 February 2012):
 Ya know there is a good point being made here and that is this:
A person can have a crush. That's fine. BUT they should NOT DO anything to further the crush... no lunches alone (if it's work and you go with a group I see no problem with it)
No coffee dates
NO talking on the phone for hours
no private texting
no suggestive emails
and no getting together without spouses/partners (so it's a foursome always)
I've never gone farther than a crush... never considered taking action to further a crush... never nursed the crush... just accepted and it and rolled with it till it passed....
and I still see no harm in that type of crush.
anything that a person does to FURTHER the crush or have PRIVATE contact with the person is borderline cheating IMO
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2012): During my first marriage I fell in love with a new man at least once a year. Many of my crushes led to affairs, a fact I am not proud of but I attributed it to this; I married very young (19), and learned rather quickly into the marriage that I was not attracted to my husband (much to my own horror). Having said that, in my second marriage I have had absolutely no attractions or crushes on any other men in the 7 years I've been with my second husband. I notice attractive men but I have not had any feelings of attraction or curiousity like I did before. Is it because I've grown up a bit? Is it because I'm with a man I'm mad about? Or both? It's admirable that your wife does not act on her crushes, but it's a fine line and those lines can get very blurred, especially if the guy she has a crush on has the same feelings for her. Things can lead down that path very quickly; first they meet for coffee, seems harmless enough, maybe take in a movie etc. I would keep a close eye on her and make sure there aren't any gaps in her schedule that remain unexplained. If she checks out, she may be one of the rare souls who can have a crush and leave it at that. In the meantime talk to her about what you've noticed in her behavior, not only does this make her aware that you feel she's crossing a line, but now she knows you'll be paying attention to what's going on around you when these men are there.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 February 2012):
 I'll preface this by saying that as a rule, I am very unforgiving when it comes to cheating, and I'm very direct about ceasing behavior that could lead to cheating.
That being said, yes, it's common to develop passing crushes on people that we come in contact with. Some people simply have magnetic personalities, and the conversation with them is stimulating. However, that does not mean that it's leading to unfaithful inclinations. Your wife might really like talking to the guy, but that doesn't mean that when the night is over and everyone has said their goodbyes, that it's your arms she craves, and your love that warms her heart, and it's your kiss that makes her weak at the knees.
A crush becomes dangerous if it's being nursed. If she were running into him often, having lunch with him alone, or having inappropriate touching and contact with him, then it raises questions.
Right now, she very well may have a harmless crush on the guy. The question is -- is she at risk? Risk means if you two spend time apart, you two are fighting, stressed, dealing with financial or parental crises, burned out, needing more time away together, etc.
This isn't the time to confront her on how she's acting....YET. Right now, it's the time to mitigate risk. If there's burnout, plan a getaway! If there's been stress, lighten the mood at home. She may be smiling with him, but she married you. That means that she's valued you, promised to love and cherish you, and I'm thinking that her resolve hasn't wavered.
Unless her day to day behavior changes, she becomes secretive, or he's touching her inappropriately, you have nothing to worry about. Passing crushes go away about as fast in a woman's mind as when you turn your head to see a beautiful woman on the street. You feel a moment of intoxication at her beauty, then you go home and wrap your arms around the woman you love.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 February 2012):
IF she never does anything about it... then I see nothing wrong with it.
She's married not dead. I've seen married men have crushes too... so while YOUR make up is not to have crushes because you are married... some men do. Just like some married women don't have crushes.
I don't think it's gender specific
Have you talked to her about it? I mean sometimes bringing it out in the open helps diffuse it.
They don't mean anything to me in terms of threatening my relationship because i never act on them but they sure do make my day interesting.... I never seem to get crushes on friends however... it's usually co-workers...
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy  +, writes (23 February 2012):
 HI
I WOULD FIND THIS UNEXCEPTABLE BEHAVIOUR. How Would your wife feel if the boot was on the other foot? I for one would not like it if my boyfriend/husband or whom ever I was with, was treating me in this way. I know some people can be natural flirts without a clue they are doing so, but From what your saying I think she knows, but just has no respect for your feelings. It's one thing to let your hair down with friends and have a laugh, but to be gazing in each others eyes, and leaving you out of the conversation's is another, it's blatant rudness if you ask me. I would pull her up on this the next time it happens,Say something like " oh i'm sorry shall I leave you two alone for a while I feel like im intruding!" sorry but I would, sometimes people need to hear it this way for them to actually understand how much they are hurting your feelings. Simply saying your a little cosy with them, or you two seem to really hit it off wont make her feel any different, she will probab;y just say yeah isn't it nice . If you dont think you could say that to her, then I suggest you sit her down and explain that this really is NOT exceptable behaviour, and make you look stupid.
Hope this helps
Mandy x
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A
female
reader, Anastasia  +, writes (23 February 2012):
 Hi, Not married ...sorry. But I would like to answer your question. I think it is okay to window a little. Like if your wife and yourself are at a dinner or walking along the street and eye candy passes by to perhaps say..."wow..hun that guy was cute" and of course the husband is welcome to do this as well if a pretty girl passes by. I see no issue with this.Seeing that these gentlemen are people who are your friends and are in close proximity, chatting access and in a mini social setting. I really think that this is something you should have a chat to her about. It sounds like she flirts....in front of you. And that's not nice to be fair to you. It's actually very disrepspectful. Like I said..am not married but I say sit her down and be honest with her and tell her it makes you feel uncomfortable and it makes you question her intentions of her interraction with these guys or person. Don't argue or anything, but just share your feelings and asks what she feels when she hangs on to their every word. Tell her..." you don't laugh at my jokes anymore and it makes me feel like .....(however it makes you feel). I believe in communication...I really do. If I am ever blessed with a husband, flirting with another man in front of him or behind his back is a no no. It's a level of disrespect that does not reflect well on either husband or wife.I say...share with her how you feel.Wishing you a good chat.Aunty Ana
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