A
female
age
51-59,
*hoiceless29
writes:My husband and I are trying to work things out after many months of suffering because of my affair. I have hurt him so bad that I realized he loved me after believing we were just living as roomrates which I got so used to. My problem is that I care for him deeply and I have issues connecting with him in bed. He senses my lack of interest and that upsets him where he feels we are unrepairable. I asked him to please be patient with me as I've always felt this way through out most of our marriage. Im scared he will get tired and give up on me. My affair is over but I just can't seem to forget the feelings ihad while I was with him. Please dont judge as my lack of interest towards my husband was because he lacked in many things that was key to keep us going. I'm just afraid to start over. Is it possible to stay married and be happy even though you are not romantically interested in your husband? If not , I need advice on how to not break my husband more than he is. Thank you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2014): I think you are asking the wrong question.
Do you have any intention of TELLING your husband that you aren't romantically attracted to him? That he doesn't do it for you like the other guy, but you still want to stay with him for companionship, security, etc?
Men have this weird thing. Its called self respect. We don't like being tricked into spending our lives with partners who use us for friendship & stability and lie about having romantic feelings for us. Its not only disrespectful but sooner or later we usually get cheated-on when the woman gets "caught up in the moment" with someone else.
I think you need to look your husband in the eye and tell him the whole truth. You might be surprised to find that HE is the one breaking up once and for all after he has all the information. And if not, then at least you are showing him full respect. You still have not ever done that.
A
female
reader, Choiceless29 +, writes (18 October 2014):
Choiceless29 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know I am not perfect. I didn't go out looking to cheat on my husband. I got caught in a moment I never felt with my husband. I know there are many women that have gone thru what I'm going. I will be strong. It will be hard because you get used to living with this person. I realize it's not fair to him nor me.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2014):
As a husband with a wife like you I think you are not being fair to your husband. You had an affair and even now that it is over you say that "he lack[s] in many things that was key to keep us going." What are they? Did you tell him what they are? You're not perfect either and in fact you probably hurt him a lot with the affair. He seems loyal to you so do him a favor and do one of two things:
1) Leave
2) Work on the relationship
All I have read so far is a lot of whining and excuses on your part. You can't have cake and eat it, too!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2014): Be strong. I went through what you did. I was married for 17 years to my first love. Have a son with him. He was and is a good man. And to this day he is still my friend. But somewhere along the line, I lost the connection to him. I hung on to the marriage longer than I should have, hoping things would change. And in that time, another man caught my eye. A man who fulfilled me in ways my husband never could. Your husband could be a good person, a good friend but that is not enough. You must truly love him and in that love there must be passion and fire. No it does not last forever but if there is none... and you have nothing left for him physically, what kind of a marriage is that? You will only be living a lie and prolonging the inevitable. Perhaps even another affair. It may be tough at first because everything will change but in time when the dust settles you will find yourself happier and open to the kind of relationship you need and deserve. Same for him. Never settle. Never stay thinking it will get better. You might have a stable period and convince yourself things are better. But you are fooling yourself. It may seem tolerable because it is familiar and predictable. But once it becomes a room mate situation, you need to really question your relationship. Do you want just a room mate for the rest of your life or do you want a man who is not only your friend but somebody that you want to be with physically and emotionally? I use the word WANT. At this point, you are just obligated. So many people sell out. Do not sell out. Follow your heart. It never leads you astray. After all is said and done, I am okay again. My son is okay. His dad is moving on. Life goes on. And I am dating a man who I have a true passion for and want to share things with. I no longer have to cry like I did with my ex husband whenever we had sex cause I felt so empty and disconnected. And unfulfilled. It was sad. And being a physical being.. a woman who is passionate and loves sex, I just could not live with closing that part of me off forever.
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A
female
reader, Choiceless29 +, writes (17 October 2014):
Choiceless29 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for taking your time in answering my question. I have a lot of thinking to do. Just need the guts to make the right choice. Your advice was very helpful.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2014): No it's not possible.
Life is too short to settle.
Olderthandirt, this is exactly why there are also millions of people having affairs all over the planet.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (17 October 2014):
Dear OP,
I think it's possible to stay married to a person you're not romantically interested in. But I doubt it's possible to be happy this way. There are couple therapists who suggest otherwise (Michael Mary is a german guy who is famous for his ideas there).. who say that a couple can be happy, just lowering the expectations, not expecting passion from each other anymore. And being happy about the friendship. But I tend to disagree with that, it's not human nature for me. We also have sexual desires and that's not shallow. It's deeply rooted in our needs to be seen, loved, desired, and to be able to desire, as well. If the physical closeness dies in a monogamous relationship, there's a huge vacuum of isolation that eats you up from the inside.
Maybe in the beginning of the marriage, the sexual problems could have been fixed, you and your husband could have found ways to keep the desire alive, by working through the problems together. You could have elaborated why he's unwilling or unable to satisfy you. How you can help him be a better lover. How you both can understand each other more and be less hurt about the rejections in your love life. Now I have a feeling that it's too late to do that, because you've found out that there is someone else who could give you something that he's not able to give. You both have denied the problems for too long for the sake of harmony.. and now you grew apart beyond repair.
I am sure you still care for him and you feel sorry. But these feelings are probably not the same as love. It's more something like compassion and guilt. It might keep you staying with him, to protect him, but that's not the same as a loving relationship.
I feel like in my advice to you, I am projecting a lot of my own experiences. So, take this as that, a subjective report, still make your own decisions and don't believe I'm an expert. I couldn't support a relationship with someone I don't desire anymore. And I don't think you should. Even thought you might feel horribly guilty. Love is not fair. Desire is not fair. We can't chose to keep desiring or loving somebody, because we think he deserves it. We can do our best to keep a connection, but it takes two. And sometimes our best efforts are not good enough.
If you consider to give this marriage one more try, I recommend you get some inspiration from a couple therapy book by David Schnarch. He seems to be famous for helping longterm couples gain back the sexual attraction. However, you have to see that this man is also a christian and it's his philosophy that marriages should be held together.
Okay, that's the lengthy post.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (17 October 2014):
 Of course it's possible there are millions of couples doing it all over the planet.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (17 October 2014):
 In my experience, no its not possible to be happy living like this. I tried living this way for 2 years. My husband became an alcoholic (which I realized complicates things). I lost all interest in him. I tried so hard to make things work and to just be companions/room mates, but I couldn't do it. We had been married for 14 years. I finally ended things. My parents were married for 52 years but probably the love had died 25-30 years earlier. They were absolutely miserable together. I wouldn't recommend doing that. It won't make him happy either, believe me.
The best thing to do is just get it over with. You need to tell him that you don't wish to hurt him any further but you can't give him the love that he needs and deserves. It isn't fair to EITHER of you. Who wants to live with someone when they know that person doesn't love them? I mean, honestly..what kind of life is that? Although it may hurt your husband very much at first, eventually he would move on. Staying in a loveless marriage is depriving both people of love and affection.
I wish you all the best.
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