A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 27 and married with three young children. I felt pressured into marrying my husband after our first child was born, and I really thought if I loved him enough we could make it work. He loves me. He loves the kids. He works hard, but he is an on again/ off again alcoholic and has been violent with me in the past. I know most people don't change in a situation like this, and I was probably stupid to stay in the relationship when it was bad, but he is getting better. He loves us and has come a long way. He is a mostly good person who has made mistakes. The kids love him, too. I honestly think our future together could be pretty great, but I feel really weighed down by everything that has happened between us and am not able to trust him and let myself be vulnerable with him. Being touched sexually gives me panic attacks. If I raise my kids alone, they will not have the life either of us wanted for them. They have a Dad who loves them and wants to raise them. I don't want to take that away from them. But I don't know how to trust him or make this feel okay. Is there any way for me to get over it and start " fresh"?
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female
reader, k.b.williams  +, writes (14 March 2016):
I speak as someone who grew up with a father as a violent alcoholic. My mother after 25 years of hoping things would come together in the end had to hold her hands up and except defeat that he would never change. Now almost 50, I see the regret she carries for wasting a life on someone who would never come through.My dad now lives a miserable life after thinking the grass was greener. And my mum no longer identifies what her life once was.Not to rant about my own life, i just read this and it reminded me of a childhood that damaged me beyond anything I could imagine. I can not speak for your husband and I could not tell you if he will change. To do so he must be willing for you and your previous children.You can not remain stagnant in this situation, unfortunately you will have to act in order to see the change, as if he is comfortable with this lifestyle he will remain. It must be the hardest situation when you love and place so much hope into someone, I really do feel your pain and I hope everything works out for you and your family.
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (14 March 2016):
I agree with NORA B’s very good answer here. You have placed your trust in this man before and been let down. It does sound like he may really be turning a corner this time and is putting in real effort to be a better husband and father.
That is one good thing. Another is that you seem to want to start again. If you were just trying to stay together for the kids I would question whether that was the best thing to do, but from what you say your heart is in rebuilding the marriage for yourselves too and I commend you for it. I think he has to understand (and possibly does), that when we change and try to be better people, that is all well and good but it does not undo the damage we have already done to ourselves and other people overnight. You need 2 things: first, you both need to accept that you as his wife have been traumatised by the past. He needs to know that you aren’t trying to hold his past mistakes against him but that you need time to work through and overcome the impact they’ve had on you. He needs to understand how important that is for you. Very few people would find it easy to let their guard down once hurt, so don’t give yourself a hard time over the fact that you struggle to let your guard down with him now. Wanting to change this is half the battle.
Second, you need to work out what will help you learn to trust him again. Alcoholism is something that people affected have to live with. He isn’t an on and off again alcoholic; he’s just an alcoholic. The only thing that can change is whether he has it under control or not. That is why many alcoholics continue to attend programmes such as Alcoholics Anonymous, even many years after becoming sober. From what you say, in the past he has only achieved partial control over it, hence he goes back to drinking again. Has he not found better strategies for coping with situations, and overcoming any temptation to pick the bottle up again? I think NORA was right to recommend counselling for you both, if that is possible, as it will help you to explore together what the impact of his drinking has been and what will help you find a way through it.
My suggestion would be that, if you can (I know it may be difficult because you have kids), offer to go to any support groups that he may attend, such as AA. If he doesn’t, I think he should do so because they are very effective. Additionally, look at Al-Anon, which provides support for the families of drinkers. I think they operate in Canada but have a look at what support is available for you too. You also live with his alcoholism. If you can find others sharing similar struggles to you, and others who have rebuilt their marriages and family lives, it will really help you.
The last thing I would say is that it’s important to take it day by day and to talk to each other honestly about how you’re feeling. What you are trying to do is hard and many people give up, but try not to let yourself be overwhelmed. And if you’ve had a bad day, it’s okay. Tomorrow may be a better one. Also make sure you spend lots of time together doing nice things as a family. As important as it is to work through your issues, both of you will need a break just to enjoy an activity together with your kids.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (14 March 2016):
 Hi,
i'm sorry to read of your dilemma.
I have to be straight with you though.
As i read through your msg, i keep getting the feeling that your self-confidence and your self-esteem are very low.
Your marriage wasn't really something that you "chose" to do, but was pretty much "forced" upon you.
To add fuel to fire, your husband drinks to excess and he has been violent toward you prior, yet you still love him, you still care and obviously want to remain with him, otherwise you wouldn't have felt the need to write to DC.
You have children together, so it's only natural that you'd want your marriage to be sustained and to want your husband to remain a part of their lives, however, if your husband has been violent toward you in the past and if he drinks regularly, then you have to be realistic and know that he won't cut down on his drinking, UNLESS he seeks professioanl help and he may behave violently toward you again in the future.
He may be quiet now sure, but one trigger factor and bang!!
If you can handle this and if you think this type of behaviour is tolerable and is going to change for the better, you are wrong.
There is a deeper issue too.
You get panick attacks when your husband touches you sexually.
Why?
Your answer must be completely honest, otherwise positive change cannot occur.
This is something serious and you should talk to a professional regarding YOUR feelings surrounding this.
You cannot "get over it", or start fresh and feel ok, it's not that simple.
There are serious issues here and there.
Yes, you want what's best for your children, as any good, normal parent would, however, your children come first too and if their dad is drinking more then he should, if he has displayed past aggression toward their mother, then you have to ask yourself, "how much does he really respect himself, his wife, his children and his marriage?"
He drinks yes and this causes issues, however, he has full control over what he does, what he says and how he carrys himself, how he behaves, so if he wants to set the very best example to his wife and children and be a positive role model, then he must seek help and change his ways.
This must place enormous pressure on you and your children and as they grow older, they will notice this.
I would advise you to talk to somebody you trust fully, regarding all your worries and your feelings surrounding your husbands behaviour.
You should not have to pick up all the dirty laundry, so to speak.
It's not your job.
Your job is to be a happy and relaxed parent and to be a good, positive role model to your chuldren and part of being a good role model is to do what's best for your kids, to look out for their best interest, ABOVE your own or your husbands.
It's not in their, nor your best interest to put up with anything that will negatively affect your marriage, or parenting and by this i mean, the obvious stress that you are placed under when you husband is drunk, or is violent.
Remember, it could happen again, because it's happened before.
Even if your husband was only violent "once in the past" does not excuse him whatsoever, because this behaviour may potentially occur again and next time perhaps, on a greater scale.
I wish you and your kids all the best.
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A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (14 March 2016):
This is indeed a hard situation to be in .But your head and heart are in the right direction.But your TRUST was broken at a couple of levels.re-drink and also the fact that he was violent with you.It takes time to trust and heal and to feel o k again.Have a indept chat with him telling him the way you feel and how his behaviour has effected you and how you react when he touches you.You both need help to help each other.So would you consider going to see a counsellor and talk all the isssues over with him/her Sometimes we all need help.In this way you will be giving each other a 2nd chance and a FRESH START,FOR YOU BOTH AND YOUR CHILDREN-AS A FAMILY.But remember you need help .Best wishes for the future N ORA B.
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