A
male
age
51-59,
*enderGuild
writes:I am a singer/songwriter, who like many artists, is at times inspired by a member of the fairer sex, as the old phrase goes. There is someone I get to work with every so often, and to say she has piqued my interest is an understatement of the highest regard. As I mentioned to a friend of mine the other night, she brings me to life like Times Square on New Year's Eve. And whether it's her energy, aura, whatever, my songwriting process has been improved. Suffice it to say, I welcome any and all opportunities to see her, if only for a moment. The thing is, I know there will never be anything between us, mainly because of the age difference, which is okay. There is a part of me, however, that would like to let her know somehow that she has been a source of inspirational fuel (yes, in addition to a better songwriting process, I have written some songs about her). Am I crazy for wanting to do that? And if not, how do I tell her, without freaking her out? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 March 2016):
 It sounds like you have low self esteem, enjoy getting to know her more, don't worry about how she feels at the moment, enjoy brunch and afterwards ask her out for dinner a night? See how she reacts. Just take it slow.
A
male
reader, FenderGuild +, writes (29 March 2016):
FenderGuild is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI flat out told her tonight that she fascinates the hell out of me and something is compelling me to find out what makes her, her.
We're going to brunch this Sunday.
And she actually said thank you, before making a quick exit, which was interesting.
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A
male
reader, FenderGuild +, writes (28 March 2016):
FenderGuild is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA paternal gesture? Dang, I should have included some lingerie. Hahaha!No, I"m not an Aspie. I’ve always been a listener, and/or a support beam if you will, when someone needed such, which can also come with the veritable kiss-of-death “nice guy” tag. The being a friend thing might be so ingrained in me, that even when there’s no listening/support taking place (as is the case in the current situation), it could be preventing me from thinking anyone could ever be interested in me, and/or even recognizing when someone is? Hence, I don't know what to look for, because I'm already thinking there's no point.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 March 2016):
 An Easter basket to me is something an adult gives to a child, so to me its not romantic. I expect it would be seen more as a paternal gesture.
Of course if the basket had things like lingerie and jewelry that would indicate a different intent.
OP, do you have difficulties with reading others' facial expressions? Are you by any chance an Aspie?
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A
male
reader, FenderGuild +, writes (28 March 2016):
FenderGuild is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd here's a question, as I've never given a female friend an easter basket before.
Would receiving such a basket be seen in anyway as a romantically-linked gesture, or even something that says "more than friends?
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A
male
reader, FenderGuild +, writes (28 March 2016):
FenderGuild is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was as happy to make her smile as she seemed to be receiving the basket.
I've never been very good at reading whether or not a girl has any interest in me, and still hesitant to think she does, so this should be interesting.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (28 March 2016):
 small steps one step at a time - you certainly delighted her. that's nice
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A
male
reader, FenderGuild +, writes (27 March 2016):
FenderGuild is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDon't know why, but I felt compelled to do something for Easter. I tell B towards the end of last night that I have something for her and A (another coworker from the other location, who often works with B. A, who doesn’t know this winds up getting out earlier, and leaves. As B and I are set to leave, another guy asks B if he can catch a ride home.She says sure, and he says he’ll meet us downstairs. But I’m able to catch the guy and ask him to let me take him home. B and I get to her car, I pull out the basket, and she LOVED it, thought it was cute!!! Also included some orchids. Gives me a hug. As she’s adoring the basket and I’m telling her what’s in it, etc., she doesn’t once mention A. And in my head, I’m thinking, did she forget I told her it was for her and A (which it wasn’t), because it sure seemed like she had forgotten? I was originally gonna have B get them anonymously, and then thought of the lie (saying they were for her and A) as a way of lessening any potential awkwardness, and allowing me to still do something nice.I was half-tempted to tell B I had lied and that it was just for her, and wisely kept my mouth shut, because I really think she forgot. She puts it in her car, gives me another hug and Happy Easter wishes, before we part. So, she winds up accepting them as I had originally intended and isn't taken aback at all.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 March 2016):
Ah well, at least you know you let her know that she was important to your creative process!
LIfe is so annoying.... it doesn’t follow the plans you’ve laid down for yourself. It’s quite saucy at ignoring your most heartfelt wishes and it’s downright criminal at doing its own thing!
I hope it all goes well, even if it doesn’t match what you think should happen!
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A
male
reader, FenderGuild +, writes (19 March 2016):
FenderGuild is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo, I changed the wording of the message I sent.
In brief, I mentioned how inspiration can even come from someone, who seems to have a uniquenenergy about them.
I told her I could speak from experience, because I am a singer/songwriter, and thanked her for being someone with unique energy.
She said she didn't know I was, thought it was awesome, said I was sweet and thanked me. It's obvious by her reply that she's not interested.
That's life.
Thank you again to all who replied!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 March 2016):
I think that text sounds fine. Obviously you know her well enough to have her phone number. Good luck with everything!
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (16 March 2016):
On reading your follow-ups you have certainly been prudent and you have checked with HR. It is good to be so pro-active and cautious in these times.
I would expect that your life experience will allow you to read the situation and recognise if your approach is working or not.
My good wishes to you for the future.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (15 March 2016):
Good guys in the music industry write great songs all the time. Often with a particular person in mind. In fact who they meet, their experiences inspire them constantly.
Some people erroneously think Pharrell Williams was an overnight success which is far from the truth.
Over the years Pharrell has collaborated with many other musicians, singers and song writers in a collaborative situation.
Pharrell Williams is reverential towards the composer Hans Zimmer for the mentoring that has taken place and has been beneficial for Pharrell Williams.
Clarence Paul has been referred to as one of the mentors of a then young Stevie Wonder.
I think she may find it very useful even if you both choose to discuss your preferred approaches to music and the influences that have shaped your music tastes.
And note I said ''if you both choose'' so I envisage nothing more (at this stage) than a mutually agreeable professional arrangement where you do what hundreds of well known and successful musicians and performers have done before you and that is to willing share your love of music and develop your music tastes as a result.
If anything more than mutual admiration were to ever occur - well that is in the future.
Mutual respect and a mutual willingness
to learn from each other is the first step.
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A
male
reader, FenderGuild +, writes (15 March 2016):
FenderGuild is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe work for a catering company, but mainly at two different locations. I hear what you're saying about the lyrics, and can assure you that they are not negative in any fashion. Lyrics are my forte, and something I always very mindful of.
This is what I'm thinking sending as a text:
I know you’re a music lover, if not at least a big music fan. And as I’m sure your favorite artists would tell you, inspiration for a song can come from anywhere, but not everyone. I speak from experience, because I am a singer/songwriter, and want to thank you for being a source of inspiration.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 March 2016):
I think it might depend on the music too. If, for instance, in a hypothetical situation, there was a great deal of sexual imagery, well, that might be a problem if she feels uncomfortable with being identified with that song. Or if it were about unrequited love leading to thoughts about self-harm... Obviously I’m completely fabricating song ideas here but just trying to point out that you might want to run your lyrics and music through that hypothetical filter of co-workers, supervisors, and employers. That co-worker thing, you know?
Here’s one way to assess. Assume you are working with a man who is older than you--yes, a man--who appears to enjoy your company. He too is a singer/songwriter. Assume you are not interested in him because of his age, his gender, whatever, but you do work well with him and have a comfortable working relationship.
In conversation, he says he wants to share some music he wrote with you. He makes it clear in some way that you are the muse for some of the songs. You listen to the music and learn that he’s got feelings for you which you won’t be able to return... You now have to work with him again...
Now, you’re not interested in him in any way, but here you’ve learned he’s been thinking of you in a certain way.
You work together from time to time. You now have information you haven’t had before, and it points to this man having a deep crush on you.
How does that play out for you from then on?
All that was just a hypothetical, of course.
What I’m trying to do here is to flip the situation and get you to see it from another perspective, which may or may not align with hers.
Obviously there are many relationships that have started at work, despite company policy or literature discouraging them.
Just tread lightly, carefully and be aware that she may not wish to be singled out by a co-worker for special attention. What’s the type of company you work for?
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A
male
reader, FenderGuild +, writes (15 March 2016):
FenderGuild is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGot word from HR that just knowing the songs had been written would not be considered harassment, which makes sense. But I had to check, as I would have felt beyond awful if it had been considered as such.
Thanks again!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (15 March 2016):
I don't think it will be harassment if you just say to her hey here is a demo off some stuff I have been working on, you where an inspiration for some of the songs and I just wanted to thank you.
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A
male
reader, FenderGuild +, writes (15 March 2016):
FenderGuild is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOooh, I didn't think about her thinking it was harassment. I'll look for the handbook, and if need be, there is someone I can contact, though that person knows the girl in question, soooo... but avoiding real trouble is always the way to go!
I'll do an update when all is said and done.
Thank you for your insight!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 March 2016):
It seems you are working out the upsides and the downsides! Just check the employee handbook to be sure you aren’t crossing any lines or opening yourself up for harassment accusations if you’ve misread the situation.
Good luck!
Oh, and back in the day, people used to make cassette tapes with the songs they liked and give them to friends, family, etc. Nothing stopping you from sharing your work with people who have expressed an interest in it, right?
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A
male
reader, FenderGuild +, writes (15 March 2016):
FenderGuild is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've thought about waiting until one of us leaves the company, but there are so many things that can happen between now and then.
Whether I see it or not, if knowing she's been a muse brings a smile to her face at some point, looking like a fool would be a small price to pay. She is "Infectious," as one of the song titles goes.
The funny thing is, if for some reason she begins avoiding me like the plague, I'll more than likely even get songs from the fallout, though those would not have quite the same joy as previous ones.
And if by some miracle she is interested in me, I may not get any sleep at all, what with all the songs I can imagine coming my way!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 March 2016):
Well, there doesn’t seem to be any impediment to telling her she’s been a muse of sorts to you, other than a bit of ego, or your fear of freaking her out. It will be up to you to weigh the pros and cons of telling her. Does the need to let her you she was inspirational to you outweigh the fear of being thought foolish?
As you do occasionally work together, perhaps erring on the side of caution would be prudent for your continuing productivity at work. Wait until one of you leaves the company, perhaps?
Or if the topic of writing songs comes up, you could mention that you’ve found inspiration from people you know, including her. Assuming you have found inspiration from other people, of course.
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A
male
reader, FenderGuild +, writes (14 March 2016):
FenderGuild is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to all who have responded so far! I appreciate the time you took to do so!I am older, and though I’d like to be wrong, am fairly confident the age difference is wide enough to keep us from ever getting together. And I can deal with that, for I have been blessed with some new songs. That said, I would at least like her to know, if for no other reason than perhaps one day she will need to remember something that makes her smile, and knowing she was so inspirational will do that for her. She is single, a big country music fan, has a Bachelor's in Psychology/Neuropsychology, and in her mid 20s. We work for the same company in two different locations, and occasionally work together. I imagine my biggest hang-up lies in my thinking I'm gonna look like a fool in some way.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 March 2016):
I don’t think you are crazy for wanting to do this.
As for how to tell her this without freaking her out, well, we don’t know anything about her beyond that you are older than she is; or, not to be ageist, you might be younger than she is. Is she single, is she dating someone, is she living with someone, is she married? Is she 14, 16, 18, 20, 22 or 30, 55, 60 or 70?
Her temperament will matter here too, is she a laid back type of person? Sensitive? High drama? Average-ish in that area?
You want her to know that you admire, appreciate and find inspiration in her exceptional being... well, is she in a position to appreciate that? Does she work for you or for someone who works for you?
My guess is that there’s some obstacle keeping you from cluing her in to your admiration for her.
So, I don’t think it’s crazy to want to let your crush know you have this crush on her; we just don’t know enough about her to advise on how to tell her this without freaking her out.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (14 March 2016):
I think you should give her a copy of the songs you have wrote about her. Tell her that she inspires you and that you would like to thank her. Sometimes age doesn't matter to people. I am sure she will take it as a compliment. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (14 March 2016):
you could offer her an opportunity to be mentored by you, with no strings attached and tell her you would like to succeed in what is a tough business.
This would allow a professional relationship to develop and when she does start to get recognition you will know that you helped in some way to get her there.
Teaching also helps improves our own existing skills.
Tell her she can be your muse and that in return you would be honoured to be her mentor.
It can be a mutually satisfying professional relationship that can benefit both of you and still stay professional unless things develop that are mutually agreeable to both of you.
I think you are probably well aware of what a muse is but to anyone who is not sure I am offering the following explanation.
muse (with thanks to Google for the full explanation)
mju?z/
noun
1.
(in Greek and Roman mythology) each of nine goddesses, the daughters of Zeus and Mnemosyne, who preside over the arts and sciences.
synonyms: inspiration, creative influence, stimulus, stimulation; rareafflatus
"the poet's muse"
2.
a woman, or a force personified as a woman, who is the source of inspiration for a creative artist.
"Yeats' muse, Maud Gonne"
synonyms: inspiration, creative influence, stimulus, stimulation; rareafflatus
"the poet's muse"
versus Mentoring (also thanks to google)
Mentoring is a process for the informal transmission of knowledge, social capital, and the psychosocial support perceived by the recipient as relevant to work, career, or professional development; mentoring entails informal communication, usually face-to-face and during a sustained period of time, between a person who is perceived to have greater relevant knowledge, wisdom, or experience (the mentor) and a person who is perceived to have less (the protégé)
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