A
male
age
41-50,
*urious2011
writes: Hi everyone, I met a girl on eharmony and we dated for 3 months. We did start off fast, after about 6 weeks got our kids together on play dates, did see each other often but no complaints. I helped her fix things around the house, brought her flowers, tried to show her I do care and I am not one of those guys who says1 thing in his profile and is something else but really does mean what he says. She would tell me she was so lucky, what did she do to deserve me? etc. Even when her furnace broke and she could not take the day off work I stayed at her place for 4 hours freezing waiting for the guy to come. i met her parents on 2 or 3 occasions as the boyfriend and was not freaked out as it was no big deal. No issues arose until we found out in the second month she was pregnant. After much soul searching we decided on an abortion. It was not easy and she tried to immerse herself in work but I tried to be there for her as much as I could. Finally there was a blow up. We had a huge fight and she questioned if she even wanted to be in a relationship,we spent too much time together, wanted to be able to what she wants and not be tied down. I said doesn't look like you want me around so I guess I am done. She also berated me for smothering her at work as I dropped flowers off there which she did not appreciate since it took her out of her work zone she was in and could not concentrate then after.This was before Christmas, I waited a few weeks and contacted her as we had some stuff to exchange. I asked her if she was happy being single and not feeling tied down. She said she has feelings of anger towards me about the abortion and does not feel good about herself is seeing a therapist about it and when i asked her to talk to me about it she did not want too. She told me she sees my daughter being manipulated by my ex and it is hard for her to stand by and not say anything or be involved and wakes up at nite thinking about it. She says she holes in my armor and thinks she needs to save me and says if anything, would like to start over as friends as she does not see that we have a foundation established and we suck at communication. However she does care about me, wants me in her life and does miss me.When I asked what starting over meant, it was we would take it day by day, we would meet every so often and start as friends. I walked her to her car and I asked her if you or I wanted to see other people is that what you want? She said we are not together so I can't tell u nor can you tell me what I can do. I said no thanks, its not going to work and wished her well, still not getting my stuff back.I gave it a week and in an email said look, I am sorry we can't start over as friends, we have been in a relationship for a few months, I think we did establish somewhat of a foundation, and if you were to ask how my daughter was doing or if we had a disagreement I would be afraid to tell you the truth because I would be afraid you are judging me. Also i would wonder if you are angry with me too about the abortion so I feel a fresh start for us out there is best so I wish you well and please can I get my things.She wrote back i am not going to read this, too much drama with all the back and forth, leave her alone. i honestly want my stuff back, especially a sweater that I left at her place that was a gift to me from my daughter who asks why I don't wear it anymore. Am I wrong in thinking there is too much to overcome? How can you start over and hide your feelings and pretend like the past never happened? that if she or me is seeing other people what is the point of fixing this? Would love your feedback, thanks!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2011): Firstly, she is going to take the abortion hard for a while, going through all sorts of guilt, blame and so forth. It's hard act to go through, sometimes worse after the fact and some women often regret it. I don't think you're wrong on thinking there's too much to overcome for this reason alone. However, she also seems like a can of worms, as does the relationship all together. My guess is that you're picking up on this as well.It seems like your first attempt was her going through her thing and maybe not being ready for a relationship, yet still indecisive. At the same time, it seemed you weren't ready to be "just friends" despite it. Neither of which is the ideal way to go about being friends really after a relationship.Yes, it's quite possible to be friends with an ex. I was friends with several ex's. I was also friends with my ex-husband and with a very similar history to your own. He still wanted me back, but I was already pushed to the brink by him and the rest of our history. Point being, we were able to be friends for a while, because we left the old relationship baggage out of it for the most part and gave things time before pursuing friendship. Eventually, however, we fell out of contact and went our separate ways naturally.In your case, this woman does seem a bit into dramatics/games at the same time. She also doesn't seem to have an understanding for what she wants. She wants to "be friends" yet holds your sweater and other belongings hostage? Right. I would say to forget the manners and go to her place unannounced, but when you know she'll be there and get your things back; otherwise, she'll probably continue to hold them for ransom.Sounds like you're better off cutting ties for now, even as far as friends go. At the very least, let things cool down a while before trying again, but I'd avoid the relationship scene, since it doesn't sound like you were all that compatible to begin with.
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