A
male
age
51-59,
*urtingHusband
writes:Isn't it crazy how women who want to love and be loved seem to hook-up with guys who don't want to love of be loved? And men who want to love and be loved seem to hook-up with women who don't want to love of be loved? Been married 20 years and feel my affection is unrequited. My wife cannot seem to give up her substance addiction. She hates sex. And I think she really would be happier alone. I think she just tolerates me. I think she is a nice person who has been hurt and is unable to love. I am so confused and do not know what to do. I know the right thing to do is stay in the marriage. But it is so hard because I want to be loved as I love her. I want romance. I want walks on the beach and moonlit dinners at the beach. But my wife just wants to stay home. I love to express care and love in practical ways to her. It brings me joy. But she does not seem to like to do the same for me. Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of faults. But I can honestly say I try every day to let her know I love her. Feeling so empty inside and so very very confused. I want so much to be held and embraced by a woman who truly loves me and wants to be close to me. I really am a hopeless romantic in and want to be loved. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011): Ok, I think the issue of loving herself is really valid. But we have been to so many therapists. She always quits just as progress is starting. Just sad about lack of connection and intimacy:(
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (9 January 2011):
 My suggestion: Write your wife and letter -- keep it short -- but tell her basically what you said here and see how she reacts.
Her reaction will tell you what she is feeling for you and what you can do in order to save it. Let her read it by herself (leave it where she'll find it).
Sounds like you (at least) need counseling. If you can coax her, perhaps marital counseling would help as well.
Two books that might be useful if you can get her to read them (you'll have to read them too however): Dr Laura Schlessinger's "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" and "The Proper Care and Feeding of husbands"
Your problem, unfortunately, is fairly common at your age (sadly). It'll take some courage to face it and hopefully your wife will come around.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2011): Well, I think you hit the nail on the head with the phrase "substance abuse." Depending on what that substance is, the chances are good that it's affecting her sex drive or throwing her chemically off-balance. As someone else already stated, depression can also play a key role in this. Depression is also often a result of substance abuse.The thing you probably need to be thinking about is her actual substance abuse. As long as she's doing that, the chances are likely good that this will continue and you may need to determine if you want to tolerate her as well or find someone that you can enjoy those happy times with elsewhere. Keep in mind that you can't force her to get off the substance, she has to want it, but you also have to set down some boundaries yourself. Get talking, maybe get some counseling. If she refuses, then it's probably time to consider other options. Best of luck to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous39  +, writes (9 January 2011):
Is your wife depressed? Have you considered this as a possibility?
That could be the first step in healing your marriage, sounds like she does not love herself and is incapable of loving another person right now.
Get her some help
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