A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is it possible to live happily ever after knowing that husband sleeps with other women on side occasionally(paid sex with high end escort/companions)? He always use protection and is very hygienic.I've got him n myself tested few yrs ago when I initially found out.he promised me he will leave all that but I've again found evidence.I don't want to confront him again. He will deny and make up stories or apologize again. I love him and I can't live without him. I don't want a divorce but I just want to accept it as my fate and live with this peacefully.Except that dark side,he is the perfect husband/father and a very good human being.its been going on for years.i believe he loves me to death and makes passionate love to me.I read a lot and I've concluded some people are not capable of monogamy.this has been going since ancient times. Perhaps we are not meant to be in 1 relationship whole life physically.I just want to know how to stop worrying and enjoying life.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2016): As Many others said, I am not sure I would be able to, but I do think you can (and have met some people who are ok with it...)How to live happily with it? The people I have spoken to this about seem to have done a few things (or all of the below):1) discreetly find a partner for themselves on the side. That way there is no torment that only "he" is doing it "on the side". Discreetly, I underline. Psychological torment and self-flagellation issues (e.g."Why am I not good enough for him?Why am I not enough?") gone in one fell swoop.2) Have concentrated on establishing stronger friendship bonds and finding new hobbies/activities-i.e. peg down the importance of the "relationship" and concentrate on forming beneficial ones instead3) Tried to convert their self-value/self-currency around, i.e. instead of being a "successful mum with a great family and a great husband" they have reinveted themselves as a "successful businesswoman with a great family". Do you see which word is dropped out in their own descriptions of themselves? They no longer identify their husband as being part of their personality/their whole, but rather a nice addition to it.I would recommend going down that route-carve a life for yourself in which your husband is not centre-stage.Good luck and I hope you are not hurting too much,x
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (8 March 2016):
 I think what he appreciates most is the fact that he has the perfect wife, that is one willing to turn a blind eye to him whore'n round. I just don't understand how you or any other woman, can be happy knowing that sometime, whether is was 5 minutes or 5 hours ago, has had his dick in someone else and where that "else" may be is anyones guess. His, other than that, perfect husband behaviour sounds more like a trade off. being treated second hand doesn't sound like any happy ever after story I have read. I really feel for you because A: this is just horribly degrading B: you are worthy of being his ALL and C: well there is no c it's just upsetting to hear any person, man or woman, willing to endure this what they call love.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 March 2016):
 I couldn't and I wouldn't.
Each person is different though. If you want to live in denial, I suggest you find some hobbies to throw your energy into.
I also suggest to NOT have sex with you husband without a condom. Though he can STILL pass on STD's to you WITH a condom, such as... HPV. And while an escort can be "clean" and disease free - there IS no test for certain STD (again such as HVP, which can cause not on cervical cancer, but penile cancer too).
My question to you is, WHAT are you going to do the day he decides to divorce you for a "younger model" or just a "different model" ?
At some point you MIGHT have to realize that you are a person, an individual, a human being and no his possession.
If going on all these lovely vacations and putting on this fake front for every is what you want to do with life... Then that is your choice. All I'm saying, it might not last. He doesn't respect the marriage or you and you are OK with that, as long as you get to share a fake life with him.
You sound scared of the notion of having to be independent. To rely on yourself.
All I can say is good luck. I have been with my husband for 20 years, no infidelity, no 3-4 vacations a year either, but what we have is real & honest. I don't envy your position one bit. I'd take my FAITHFUL husband over all the money and fine things YOUR husband can buy.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 March 2016):
 He doesn't appreciate you for everything, because if he did then he would not be out cheating. Look am not going to tell you that you are being mistreated because you already know that you are, but you do not want to accept that your husband is out having sex with other women. If it was me I could not live with this. I am not sure that you can either. I don't think you are strong enough to be in a happy marriage where he sleeps with other women, because if you where you would not be asking us here for advice. He is not only cheating he is lying to you and breaking promises to you. I am sure he loves you as the mother of his children, but he is not afraid off hurting you.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (7 March 2016):
None of us can tell you how to live with the situation happily. There just aren't any magic words.
That's why my suggestion was to talk to a counselor. They'll listen in a non judgmental way. Through talking to them you will be able to sort out your feelings and maybe help you find some peace since that is the route you have chosen to go.
I wish you the best - like I said I couldn't do it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2016): I'm the OP...thank you all of you who took time to answer.But I was hoping someone could tell me ways to live with this situation happily. When I say perfect husband/father it means he never puts me down in front of others, he always takes up my side unconditionally against any friend/family, he respects/love my parents, he shares household and kids responsibilities equally, he spends lot of quality time with us on weekdays and his weekends are always spent with us, we take 3-4 vacations each year, he has made sure our kids future is secure.He is very kind hearted and helpful friendly person in general.People get easily pleased with him. To give you a little background:He courted me for 5 yrs before marriage.we met really young.he is only man I've dated.he barely started working when we married.i believed in him..I didn't marry him for money..I've helped him emotionally physically financially to grow gradually into a successful man.He appreciates me for everything.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (7 March 2016):
 The "perfect husband and father" has no love, regard or respect for his wife, his children, his marital vows or his value system.
I personally don't think you can be at peace knowing this but then, to each his own. I wouldn't tolerate this nonsense for one single nanosecond but the that's just me.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (7 March 2016):
This wouldn't be my choice. I personally couldn't live with it.
That said, I do know wives of high wage earning husbands who know of their indiscretions and choose to look the other way. Like it is their choice, it is yours as well.
I'm not going to try to talk you out of this, since you've indicated that you intend to just try and accept it.
What I am going to suggest is counseling. A good councilor may be able to help you through this difficult time, put things in perspective and sort your feelings out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2016): You'r in your 30's. You're getting older. What makes you think that he won't leave you all together once you get older.
Staying monogamous is a CHOICE not a genetic predisposition. It's not like being homosexual. Being homosexual is NOT a choice. Don't let him or anybody else sell you that.
If you're happy with your marriage, why don't you look for some fun on the side while you still can.
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A
female
reader, miss frank  +, writes (7 March 2016):
Hi. You've read a lot and concluded some people cant be monogamous...you just want to accept this is your fate and enjoy life...Sweetheart, the reason you are reading a lot about it is you are attempting to justify it because you are desperate to be ok with it. You are minimising it and compromising, and feeling awful in yourself because this is what you are doing. I would imagine your self worth is low because of what he is doing, and is getting worse because you are allowing him to carry on with no consequence. He promised you before he would stop. He hasn't stopped, nor will he. This is not ok in a marriage or relationship for the vast majority of people...and you know this is not ok for you that is clear..nor will it become ok.You want to just enjoy life and be ok with it....sweetie, the reason you cant is because its impossible to be.Please stop trying, and think about his betrayal to you and your children together..there is no living with this and not being damaged hugely
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 March 2016):
 Maybe you can't. Maybe you should not ! ( accept your fate ).
Your husband got himself a very expensive hobby and he is financing it with money which is also yours.
I don't care if he makes twice as much than you, or if in fact he is the sole bread winner. You are married and that means that money spent for individual purposes should be spent with the approval of the partner, or at the very least not be spent on items or activities which damage the partner or the family.
Regular visits to high end escorts can amount to several thousands $ in a year. I don't care if he does not leave his family wanting for anything- it is STILL money that he could spend on you, rather than on hookers.
It's money that he could use to take you on a wonderful Caribbean cruise or something, or to buy you a new car , or a jewel.
Or, actually, supposing you are not into material things- it's money he could invest in the future and securitu of his children !!
No, he is not a wonderful father. If so far he has spent 10000 or 30000 or X thousands on hookers... whatever the amount is, it's all money that will NOT be left for his children if they need help for finishing their studies or getting married or buying their first house. It's all money that they will not inherit.
Now of course I am not saying that parents should deprive themselves and live like paupers, just to leave all they have got to their children.
But the things they spend on, they should not be things that their children would be ashamed of.
Would your children too say that he is a wonderful father if they knew he has a hooker habit ?.... I doubt it.
That's why I think you should NOT be fine with what he does. And if you can't make him stop, - you should disassociate from him. Otherwise, should your children ever find out, they could rightly accuse you of covering your husband's misdeeds against their interest.
That's my opinion but I know it won't register with you because you have made up your mind. You do not want to divorce and you want to stay with him and you want to be cuckolded . You just want to be happy about it.
Maybe you have to resign yourself to the fact that this won't be possible. You will have to take the bitter with the sweet. You will have to get used to enjoy your moments of affection and intimacy AND also to stay awake at night imagining where he could be doing what. You will have to take your marriage exactly as it is, with his dark shadows, and realize that some things hurt you today and will hurt you tomorrow and next month and forever.
But , apparently, you have calculated pros and cons and decided that the scales are in favour of "pros ".
This is already quite something. Also expecting to be happy about the ( very ugly ) cons it is a bit too much....
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (7 March 2016):
 "i want to know how to stop worrying and enjoy life." he is basically cheating on you, and you know it. as long as you put up with it it will continue.
sure he loves you, but he is getting his cake on the side also.
he is not honoring you , by the wedding vows he made before God,and to you." forsaking all others ".
if you let him know this is not making you happy, and is deeply hurting you, it would be a good place to start.
" i don't want to confront him again. he will deny and make up stories or apologize again." he has an ongoing problem of being with other women, maybe look at marriage council with you both.
he needs to know how this is hurting you !
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