A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been living w/ my boyfriend for 4 years. We own a business together that is rockin. He was diagnosed w/ cancer only 6 months into our relationship and has not been able to work. I have been pretty much doing 90% of the work in the co. Along w/ taking care of home/domestic responsibilities. I admit I get overwhelmed @ times n tend to forget things that to him are very important but to me because I have so much going on I forget but not intentionally like losing car keys, misplacing things, he gets extremely irritated w/ me to the pt where he won't talk to me for days making a completely uncomfortable home environment. He honestly believes that I do these things intentionally to piss him off. He is grouchy n has terrible mood swings n so much anger because of his cancer n now he's had to quit smoking (it's been 3 weeks) and EVERYTHING sets him off. I lie to him sometimes about dumb lil things to avoid conflict n now he says that he hates that I lie n he's at the pt of almost hating me because after 4 years I don't care to know his dislikes enough to know what not to do to piss him off n I'm selfish. He's been really mean lately n even made comments about being "done" w/ our relationship. I know that all his health issues cause a lot of his anger but I don't know how much more I can take! I don't want to leave him because he really is a great man but is it possible to get him to see how mean/nasty he's been n that its not ok? Because according to him it's my fault he gets so worked up! Help me please- Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2013): Just be straight with him if he is not speaking to You for day's on end you have every right to be upfront.It's clear you understand that the health issues and quitting smoking are going to make him more grouchy and moody. But he can't be completely unreasonable and take it out on you all the time. You should tell him how much you want to be able to help and have been trying to but that you can't expect to keep track of everything all of the time. Compromise, try and keep an organiser or calendar or set reminders on your phone, keep a bowl somewhere in the house and tell him you're doing this to make things easier for the both of you. Try and suggest taking some time together to go out for a nice meal or to the movies if he's up to it, something to appreciate your time together. And of course there's always counselling, just make sure you don't stay unhappy. There's plenty of things you can try before calling it a day on your relationship. Good luck
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (2 February 2013):
 So... this guy after a diagnosis of cancer continued smoking for over 3 years? That to me is a gigantic red flag. Especially since the cancer is apparently so bad (or the treatment is) that he hasn't been able to work since diagnosis.
I am sadly all to familiar with cancer and what it does and in recent times, diagnosis can happen pretty early on. LONG before the cancer has progressed so far you can no longer work. And if the cancer is so bad that you can't work anymore, the doctor will long since told you to stop smoking.
Cancer treatments can be worse then the disease and make people terribly ill as well as wreak havoc on patients emotional life. Chemo hurts badly, destroys libido and reminds people that cancer is really really dangerous, it has to be if chemo is to be considered as better. Because chemo basically kills you just a little bit slower can then cancer would.
To deal with it, at least in Holland, they offer counseling, not just to the patient but to family as well. Coping with everything can be hard, especially between loved ones who don't want to vent their feelings on each other and have nobody else to really talk to.
We like to think we are perfect and that when disaster strikes we will make it through okay but we are not and sometimes we need a helping hand. Not from a family member who we are afraid to hurt but that of a pro who we don't have to keep a front up to, to who we can just tell our most secret feelings.
It can even be something as boring and understable as depression. Yes I know cancer is depressing but really, dealing with a deadly disease and horrendous treatment can make people really plain depressed and that is a serious disease in itself and not something that will just go away by putting a sunny face on things.
--- The above if cancer is the reason behind the problems. Below if they are not.
HOWEVER. There is also the possibility that a seriously ill person behaving like an asshole is just an asshole.
6 months is also period in which the honeymoon phase of a relationship tends to end. Is he like this because of the troubles surrounding his disease and treatment OR is he just an asshole always and he just hid it because he was on his best behavior during the honeymoon/courting part of the relationship?
I have watched to many people die of cancer in my youth and while anger did happen, it was anger at the world. Not over lost keys. There were bouts of anger but not for 3.5 years in a row. Neither were they totally unable to do any work and certainly not straight after diagnosis. Hell, my mom cycled to chemo and back. Granted that was in another century but still.
That is another reason you might want to both talk to a pro (each on your own as well). How much of his state of mind is due to cancer/treatment and how much is he just being himself.
For you, it might be wise to learn just how far it is reasonable to bend over for him. Yes, he has a serious illness but that doesn't mean you don't count anymore in this relationship. He can still do things, still help out. It could even help him get out of a (possible) depression. Being sick and useless is a lot worse then being sick and still doing as much as possible.
If this isn't how he really is (and remember, there has never been a woman in love who could see a man for who he really is) then get some help. For both of you. Not a marriage counceslor but someone who supports people in your situation by allowing you both to talk on your own and work on your issues/feelings etc.
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