A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been straight but started getting nasty thoughts progressively. Thinking about getting a prostate massage from my wife and even doggy with a strap on. Today I just thought of kissing this guy that followed me in the mall. I have been married 24 years,, but I have lost my sexual desire for my wife years ago. But I never thought, that it was because of that, Im going insane, is it possible that Am I turning gay? What will happen to my marriage. Please , help ,
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2013): Some people are very good at suppressing homosexual thoughts and feelings. They have been told all their lives to be gay is wrong, indecent, evil, or sick.
People now over 40; were brought up by parents in the old-school of thought. If you're not heterosexual, you are sick and perverted. An abomination, according to the religious folk.
Sir, you could be in a totally homosexual relationship; and lose sexual attraction to your gay partner. That happens within any relationship. I don't see anything you wrote in your post that indicates you never loved your wife. If you were ever really attracted to her, you would still be now.
I think these feelings were always in the back of your mind; but it was more important for you to please your parents and family by killing those "filthy" thoughts.
Now your closet door is falling off its hinges.
You gained more acceptance by just being straight. The feelings you suggest don't just suddenly appear. They were always there, my friend. You have a very powerful sense of denial.
I would not suggest bringing up such controversial sexual acts to your wife at this stage of your marriage. I doubt she would ever consider performing the strap-on routine.
She would think you were out of your mind.
Besides,if you have no sexual attraction to her, it would make no difference. It wouldn't be the woman pleasing you; it would be the strapped-on device.
Most of my gay male friends and acquaintances between 45 to 65, were once in heterosexual marriages and had children. They functioned as wonderful fathers and husbands. They could no longer keep up the facade. They were happy, yet secretly miserable. They were attracted to women; to an extent.
They denied their true nature far too long. Most waited until their children were adults, and finally decided they'd come out. I personally feel sorry they subjected their wives to such deception. All honestly admitted they loved their wives and children; but could no longer live a lie.
I'm not sure how you think being married for 24 years to a woman, means you were never attracted to men? You don't wake up gay. You don't suddenly lose an attraction to women; and magically grow a sexual attraction to men out of the blue.
It was always there; buried deep within you. I would bet the farm and a herd of sheep, that you felt these feelings before; and you've fought them nearly most of your adult life. You may fool yourself, but you don't fool me.
Don't ask us what will happen to your marriage. That depends on you. You lost your desire for your wife years ago. She is probably wondering what she ever did, or feels totally unattractive and sexually frustrated. She somehow survives in spite of it.
She probably suspected you to be gay years ago. They first assume it's an affair. If they find no evidence; then they suspect you're gay. They will keep it buried as long as you do. They are avoiding the embarrassment and gossip. So they pretend all is okay. Well hidden like any other marital secret.
You'll eventually tell her the truth. It's already driven you to writing to this site. You just can't live a lie any longer. Cheating and lying would be the worst thing you could ever do to that lady. Enough is enough. She has let you get away with a lot already.
You must divorce her, and allow her to find what she deserves that you don't provide. Then go find what you've really wanted all these years.
No more lying or pretending.
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (3 July 2013):
Dear OP,
I just think your brain produces fantasies in order to remind you that there's something such as sexuality out there. And that you want it.
I don't think wanting to be penetrated anally makes you gay, I know men my age that love it (and are straight). Even thinking about kissing a guy doesn't make you gay. It might make you a little bi-curious, if anything. Being gay is also about genuine affection towards a man, I mean, falling in love. It's not just sex. So first of all, don't worry about your sexual orientation, see if you and your wife can rekindle things somehow. Maybe you could ask her for a prostate massage indeed?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 July 2013):
 lots of straight men like their prostate massaged internally or externally it does not make you gay. I had a strap on for my last husband... he loved to have anal penetration but not by a man...
the issue you say is you have lost your sexual desire for your wife.... that's not good.
being bi-curious or having same sex fantasies is not the same as 'turning gay' which btw you don't TURN anything...
sexuality is NOT black and white... there are multiple shades of gray... and it's a spectrum. I love girl play and if I had to define myself it would be as a bisexual woman. I have not had any girl play since December 2010 and probably never will as long as I am married to my current husband as we have gone with 'forsaking all others' as part of our marriage.
Are you sexual with your wife now or have you two lapsed into one of those comfortable marriages where no one is having sex with the other? Have you seen the movie HOPE SPRINGS? it may resonate with you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2013): I can identify with what you’re saying. I’ve never done anything with another guy, but I’ve had fantasies and occasionally watch gay porn. I’m in a long-term marriage, and my desire for my wife has fallen off a cliff. In part it’s because everything in the bedroom is predictable, we’ve done it a thousand times. Passion is long gone. My wife is very rigid in what’s acceptable and what’s not, so there’s no chance of changing things up. I suppose somehow, in the back of my mind, fantasizing about gay stuff is less like cheating than fantasizing about another woman. And I’m desperately bored – it’s not so much that I’m attracted to men as I would just like to have a new sexual experience.All I can tell you is that if any of this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. And it’s easier to admit since attitudes have changed so much since we were young. I don’t think either of us is “turning gay”. I think we’re human beings starved for affection.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (3 July 2013):
You're probably awakening long dormant feelings... If it was you I'd be honest with my wife and maybe she'd be open to bringing another man into the bedroom. Who knows, it may be the best thing to ever happen to your sex life.
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