A
female
age
51-59,
*MS
writes:Is it possible that I don't have the capacity to love a man? I am in my early 40s and have been married for almost 15 years. I have had many relationships. Many. I have been loved and cherished and treated as any woman would wish to be treated. A few times I have thought "perhaps I do love this man", only for the feeling to go away in a very short amount of time. I simply get bored of men. Period. They can be the best looking, most wonderful in the world. It matters not. I need, yes NEED, the attention, the newness, the excitement of a new man. Once he is not new anymore... goodbye. Needless to say, I am not a faithful person. My husband now, is a magnificent man. A dream man. I know this. Still, I can not be true to him. As it has happened with every single one before him, I actually feel repulsed by his kisses, his touch, his advances. I wonder, am I alone in feeling like this? Is this one of those things many women feel, but we just don't voice it? Is there some sort of brain disconnect in me, that does not allow me to feel satisfied with one man? Am I just destined to "suck up and bear it" for the rest of my life?
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female
reader, VMS +, writes (10 September 2010):
VMS is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOH yes, Mr Nathan, I did tell him so many years ago. If he was to ask me if I have been faithful, I would never, ever tell him that I have not. I see no reason to hurt him like that. Most gentlemen, I think, would take my infidelity as a sign that there is something wrong with them, and I would never want my husband to feel that way.
An open relationship...? Hum.... This is where everyone will hate me a little more, but here I go...I will be darned if I am going to be with a man for whom I am not enough! There, I said it...yes, "the queen of double standards" should be my name. I have issues, have I not? ;-)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2010): Thank you both for the responses. Mr Nathan, no I have never been "found out". I have always been the one to end the relationships. The irony is that I have always, always told any potential boyfriend that I am not a very faithful person, and furthermore have warned them that I would probably not be able to love them as they wished. It never deterred any of them. On this, I almost feel like it is their own fault if they decide not to "listen".
Mr Odds, your hormone theory (Or Dr, Fisher's) is extremely interesting. I will definitely inquire about this. I honestly feel that my behaviour is almost something that is beyond my control. This is hard to explain, but it does feel this way. The hormonal theory would explain much. I have thought about divorcing. I do think that telling Him the truth would hurt him greatly. As it is, I treat him like the wonderful man that he is. He has no reason to believe that I am unhappy or unfulfilled. I feel this should not be his burden. I guess I am a prodigy at "appearing happy".
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (8 September 2010):
 Well, the more people someone has sex with (this includes men), the more difficult it is to bond with any particular one. I'm guessing your husband was not your first man by a long shot. Try to remember your first boyfriend (not necessarily the first man you slept with), from high school or whenever. How do you feel when you think of him?
It's possibly a hormone imbalance. You may be more oriented to dopamine production (that's the hormone that creates that thrill when you first get with someone) than to oxytocin and vasopressin (the pair-bond hormones). Talk to a psychologist, and see if they can refer you to a doctor. I'm not a doctor myself, just speculating based off what I've read by Dr. Helen Fisher.
If it's not a hormone problem, then somewhere along the line, you allowed yourself to become emotionally addicted to novelty, rather than to long-term bonding. THis is the consequence of promiscuity. What you do with your life is your choice and your burden, but you need to stop doing this to your husband. He does not deserve this treatment, nor should you cheapen yourself by forsaking your wedding vows without his knowledge.
I honestly have no idea how to fix that problem. What I can do is tell you to own up to your lifestyle.
I hate advocating divorce for any reason, but the only right thing to do is to tell him the truth and seperate. Take only what's yours, and don't turn it into a battle. You can see new men all the time, but should not be hurting/cheating on others in the process. Don't make him continue to give you all his love, support, and faithfulness if you don't intend to return it.
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