A
male
age
41-50,
*ancock
writes:First of all i would like to apologize for the long story here Okay its like this, i have been in a relationship with this girl for 4 and half years now, i was working abroad in Malaysia for the first 2 years and we were together, for the past few years i visited regularly from UK to Malaysia to see and we were talking about now to get married , i would have done this last year but my grandmother passed away it was a traumatic time, but i still went over the latest visit i did was November and i stayed there for 7 weeks till mid Jan, i asked her parents for her their blessing so i could marry her and i did propose when i was there although i know so long overdue and i was still disillusioned from my grandma passing away i still made the effort and took near about 2 months of work to be there to progress things, the relationship has been tough and she is lonely i am lonely, its come to a stage where is due to visit in the next two weeks around the end of April , she booked this trip in March and she was fine she even called my mum on march 14th to wish her happy mothers day, she had a tough week at work around the last week of march then she attended a wedding, something triggered her off as people must have been asking her when the marriage, since beginning of April she now saying she does not feel the same anymore about this relationship she says she has had these bottled up feelings , from the beginning of April i gave her space for a week and then i wrote her a e-mail just opening my heart to her and really telling her that i would do anything, but I did all the stupid stuff like calling her and txt her and sending her flowers. she wrote me a mail and said that she wants to work things through but i can tell she is frustrated in the e-mail and she said that its all words and no actions , thinks i have taken her for granted and why i have taken so long to do the proposal, i would have done this last year but a close family member to me passed away, never the less i made the effort to go over. She was due to fly over on the 28th last week but 3 days before hand she cancelled her flight as she said in her current frame of mind she don’t want to come over like this, i was hoping that she would and that i would have been able to really talk with her and sort things out. I had to make a lot of excuses to my sister and all as they were expecting her. When we talked also she started picking faults in me like and i was like what the hell are u serious. I have been the one making all the trips she visited only once in 2008. I was disappointed with her.Last Monday was her last day at work so i think she was kinda stressed about that but she was quitting work because we were going to be doing a business together there and i was ready to move over, we had a talk on the Tuesday last week so i asked her straight and she said to me that she is confused , another guy has been giving her attention so i said do u want to be with him coz i will just leave rite now. I said to her straight is the over now and she could not answer she said its coz we have come along way she cant just give that up, She has asked for a break at the moment which i agreed and said to her take a few weeks to think abt things she said is still thinking about marriage and wants to think it over which i said i understand and that we should meet up after that to really decide. She said she wants to be sure she is marrying the rite person as after that there is no turning back and needs to be sure, i have adopted the no contact rule since last Monday 26th april , blocked her from msn so i don’t get tempted to msg. She has not contacted me at all, but her facebook status still has her saying she is in a relationship and still has our photos there . Should i be in touch a little at least even just a small email to say i respect that you need some time to think and all. I guess i should respect that she wants to think but i also need to know, we did agree that we would meet and most likely i would fly out there.I am wanting to fly over on 13th May next week to just go and resolve this, this would have been nearly 3 weeks also, do you think this is plausible, its either we are going to sort this out or we will walk our separate ways.I told her that i would move over even to just be with her but I also have to have this in mind that she may want to just end this, so i don’t build up my hopes . i cant do this over phone its just to much , i think she feels the same way but her thinking is just very confused. I am also a little confused as she says she wants a break and give other ppl a chance but when i say that i cant handle this do u want it to be over she cant give me a answer and then is still wanting to consider marriage and then says that we have been together long time so dont want to throw it away, she is highly confused. Her brother is getting married this year so this also plays in her mind. The thing is we were all ready for getting this sorted and and she was looking forward to things and now its in limbo, i know that the only way would be to see her face to face and really sort it out that way, i have been patient even despite being treated like a doormat for the last 4 weeks. I would really like some advice on this one please and what to do on this. yes i still love her feelings dont fade so suddendly, i am sure she does as well as otherwise she would have just ended it if she did not love me anymore
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male
reader, Hancock +, writes (2 May 2010):
Hancock is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBitter thanks for the reply
Yeah her feelings could have changed and would have to help rebuild those feelings, yeah i would move there, as she has quit her job also, she needs to look at the bigger picture which i was trying to make her understand that is why the business would be good we would be working on it together. I am all fine and well to get married and settle down but creating a stable financial future is important. I will see what our mutual friend has to say, Bitter i have given her a lot of space and time past four weeks and i am still being patient, in some respects she should not be so selfish either. If i am to go over and work she needs to let this wall down which she has put up.
A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (2 May 2010):
 ...Oh no, I haven't been in a LDR and I would not be able to, I prefer frequent contact; it is possible that I could agree to one temporarily if the relationship started geografically close and for some reason it transitioned to a long distance one, and if it was worth it. But, to go back to you.It is interesting to know and helps me understand this better, that you had 2 first good years. And you say she knows you well, and vice versa, I presume; of course, feelings can change; I hope it is not the case as it would obviously make you sad since you care about this relationship so much. But it is a good possibility. Maybe it would help to let things rest for a while and/or talk on neutral things, while you stay in touch. She could be scared that finally the situation is beginning to take a fuller contour with you moving to her and setting up that business, on the other hand she says that is what she wants, to settle down, but is unsure, a small contradiction here. Well, I have nothing much to add here.I've just searched a bit on the subject of transitioning. I'm curious if this paper helps, it's a research and seems written very well, I don't have time now to read it in full, but maybe you will like it.http://www.allacademic.com//meta/p_mla_apa_research_citation/0/1/2/0/8/pages12088/p12088-1.phpAll the best.
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A
male
reader, Hancock +, writes (2 May 2010):
Hancock is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBitter .thanks for ur reply.
If she had no desire to make it work she would not have stayed for so long, yes its come to a point where its just not possible to do LDR, during my time in LDR i called everyday and txt her everyday and wrote mail to her , flowers every other month and when i did go to see her we would be together always.
When i was there for 2 yrs we were pretty much together every other day as we lived not so far apart, we would meet after work stay at each others but not every day. We did all the normal couple things that couples do, we were fine . She knows me very well and knows how i am but i know that certain things i must change. If we were not strong this wud have ended a while ago and yes its a point where its either going to end or we are gonna sort it out, have u been in LDR also .
When i proposed i did it in front of all our friends, i actually did this on her birthday back in December just gone, i threw her a surprise birthday party, she is 30 and i am 32. I can support her financially no problem if she comes to uk . She does want kids more than anything and we talked abt that even names we would like for our kids.
I said calling and txt was stupid after she wanted some space to think so me bugging her like that was not good thats what i meant, when she was wanting some space in april i kept calling and txt not what u want when ur wanting space.
The business in Malaysia i currently setting up was mainly for her, so that for the first part we cud be there so she can be close to her family, thats why i was setting it up and also she was the one who said its better to work for urself so i found the idea there to do and its a very good idea also. She will want to talk this over as rite now yes she is currently thinking abt everything but i also need to talk with her face to face .
I can understand the wanting a break and letting her think but i also need my chance to sit with her and really talk things out, i am doing no contact at the moment as not aggrevate her if she has asked for a break . Our mutual friend is going to talk with her as she confided in him , i asked him to talk too her not to get information for me but to just let me have one chance to talk and work it out. Lets see what he has to say, i will go to Malaysia because it wud have been 3 weeks and also she wants to resolve it to . i know she has some feelings otherwise she would have said to end it when i asked. I can only hope and pray bitter
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A
female
reader, bitterblue +, writes (2 May 2010):
Unfortunately, the effort you put into something doesn't always lead to the best result or the one expected, the visits and the 4 years I don't doubt mean something but somehow they don't seem to suffice or you wouldn't be having these problems, caring for the emotional needs of this relationship and feeling a sense of safety during the time away or other factors can be very/equally important and by making an effort I also referred to those, which need a good management as well in a LDR. If only the desire to make it work and what you are able to give at one point would be enough to guarantee a good outcome. I read about those first two years but that didn't tell me much because I don't know how you spent that time. You said you went there to work but how much attention you gave to the relationship and how you have prepared it for the following period when you were apart, you don't say, so it's not clear what type of bond you've created then and if it was strong enough to handle what came up next, presumably not very strong because now I see a lot of confusion in your posting. You could have spent very little time together even then, I know of working couples who are not living together and see each other once in a while, they feel better like that but I'm not sure the relationship is progressing or if it's nurtured some way else, compensating for the little or lack of time sometimes, in your case. Ultimately it comes down to knowing your partner to a certain extent and yourself to be able to evaluate the relationship that you have and know if it's worth continuing in the current context. I will read once again and see what I have missed, I just notice a few new details. When you proposed by the way, in your place I would have to be fairly sure the relationship is working or on a good path. Now looking at your ages, if she is also 35, and wants kids, that may be why she is in a hurry, but are you in a position where you have the luxury to hurry? e.g. Are all other details in place, is it all running smoothly, that was the point I was making earlier... The risk is if these aren't attended now, that they can crop up later on and so on and so forth. I think it happens often that such things are overlooked."and then i wrote her a e-mail just opening my heart to her and really telling her that i would do anything, but I did all the stupid stuff like calling her and txt her and sending her flowers. she wrote me a mail and said that she wants to work things through ..." - in what ways, by the way, if she mentioned? Solutions don't come in a box, we need to find them. If she suggests solutions and talks to you, that would be a good sign, if she doesn't, well...I didn't really understand this paragraph. Expressing feelings and being open is very welcome, in fact indispensible, in a successful relationship. Why do you say calling and messaging her was stupid? I would say that is normal, usually partners discuss a schedule when they can meet, talk and see each other on web cam, when they are apart, and look forward to it, when it's possible, in LDRs of course. Don't you use Skype to talk when you can? It's even more satisfying than mails. But I see how jotting down in writing how you feel has its benefits and sometimes you feel you can express yourself better and be better understood.I hadn't read the part where you mention the business, sorry. That sounded like a good idea as many people have trouble finding a job if they travel to be with their partners, and it is probably a big fear, generally. So that would have not been a problem in your case. I think all you can do is ask her how she would like to stay in touch until you can make a decision about your relationship, and tell her you can visit at her preference. I'm sorry. It sounds more complicated than I thought. My advice is mainly to be sure, because she is so confused, if you move past this, and forward with the relationship, it is for all the right reasons, if you do.The wanting a break is understandable if she feels unsure, and better now than in a year more, but she can try to still be gentle and such. When a crisis comes, unfortunately, what often happens is that people start throwing things in each other's faces and not picking their words, if that is what you mean by being treated poorly. But the reality can be very simple however, beyond all the analyses we can make here, and it can be unpleasant to hear. I hope you feel better however this turns out, and find the strength within to move on.
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A
male
reader, Hancock +, writes (2 May 2010):
Hancock is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBitterblue i think you have missed the point on some things here , we spent abt 2 years together being together before doing long distance. My intentions are not to do long distance anymore i would happily move there or bring her to uk. Yes i want to go talk and resolve things but i cant do that over a phone , face to face is better. I have done a lot for this relationship i have been the one doing all the visits so to say i have not put in effort is not true at all. Yes she required time to think but i also said 3 weeks, i wont surprise her but end of the day we have to resolve things one way or the other wether its going to be a relationship or not, its different if i am standing in front of her talking rather then on a phone. Like i said i would not be doing LDR anymore it would be a fact of either me moving there to be with her or her coming to uk.
Janniepeg yes i would do anything, i said in my post that i am going to fly out there and yes i would propose to her but there is some real things that we need to talk about first, how can u say if she has problems with the LDR she would have problems with the marriage, if she agrees to marriage then offcourse we are going to be together in one place. I did ask her already if this relationship is over and she could not answer me and said that we have come so far. This is why i am going to tell her i am not doing LDR anymore either i move to Malaysia which i can or she comes to uk, LDR is not going to work that is why i am saying i am going over there.
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A
female
reader, bitterblue +, writes (2 May 2010):
I see a lot of confusion in this relationship, a lot of what is she thinking, where is this heading, the relationship has been tough as you confess, and that alone should tell you to take it easy and think about things calmly and rationally. It seems you didn't you see the problems coming, that is unfortunate. If you also haven't spent a good amount of time together before getting married, what if she bottles up feelings afterwards or you discover you rushed your fences? It's not necessarily a problem about another guy in the picture, LDRs are hard to sustain on their own for many and an advantage others may have, of course, in this case, is living closer. I think you aren't looking at the big picture, though.Also, being both lonely or the time invested shouldn’t count for making big decisions. In fact, some would argue 4 years is not so much, especially when they are spent at such distance. She may want to have another go at things with you just as she says or maybe not, but be sure this is for the right reasons and how are you going to have an attempt at that by living apart? Some food for thought for you.It seems strange that you proposed before having all your problems solved and after having done some planning together. And LDRs have their own specific problems, you are not going to live in clover most of the time and they require much effort; I think this applies to both, to put your ideas in order, and you say she is still thinking about marriage - that should be ruled out for the time being and the problems cleared up but I see a cloud of issues all over that need to be rolled out, I am sure that is no fun and you feel your life is ruined at the moment BUT... I’m sure you will feel better in time, once you make the right choices. If you are going to visit her soon, what do have to you tell her? She required some time to think, so the visit might be unwelcome, don’t surprise her. For the future of this relationship, how have you tried to fight all the trammel, implied by a LDR, and stay close despite of the distance, is also important. If you decide to continue together, you will have to try and put more sense into this and reevaluate everything, and marriage is not the solution to that, because you are missing steps, which jumped WILL lead to other issues in your reasonship, that also need taking care of, in their very own time, to be more correct and safe, don’t you think? All the best.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 May 2010):
 You said you would do anything for her to work this out. Does that mean no more trips to Malaysia and proposing to her right now? If she has problems with the long distance, she will have problems after she got married. She is not going to ask you in the face, "can you just stop going to Malaysia?" By her actions and her emotions she's already telling you the long distance thing is not going to work out.
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