A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 17 and I was in a long term relationship that lasted just under 3 years and it finished because I became pregnant and wanted to keep the baby. I had a missed miscarriage and am grateful that this made me realise how wrong my ex was for me. He'd kick me and punch me, but it looked like it was just messing about fighting and he put me down alot about my looks sayin I'm fat and ugly (even though I'm 5'11 and weigh 9 stone 3, but I can't help but think I'm not good enough for anyone now). And it's awful how the abuser becomes more confident and can move on, whilst the other becomes insecure even though she doesn't want to be with him anymore. I feel a bit insecure because he didn't ever take me anywhere, I was even allowed to go to the shop in case people looked at me.On Friday it was my friends 18th so we went round her house for a bit, then went into town with some friends. There was a boy there who I've been friends with since primary school, but I hadn't talked to him in a while and we got on really well and he was being really nice and buying me drinks and staying talking to me because I'm shy about dancing and everything. When I was drunk he was holding me and stuff to keep me up so I didn't wander off and I think he does like me cause he said about how I was too good for my ex anyway etc.In the clubs he'd kiss my neck and stuff but he was probably more concerned than anything because even when I went to the toilet he'd find our other friends to see if I was ok. After he'd walked me home I texted him saying thanks and to text me when he got home, so I knew he was ok and he texted me saying thanks for a good night.On Saturday we went out, but I stayed with some other friends because he had to go home, so I texted him and then left it just incase he didn't really want to text me but the next day he texted me saying he was sorry and he'd make it upto me.Ever since we've been texting each other but my friends boyfriend said he doesn't want me to go out with this boy because he's got a bit of a reputation and I've already had a hard time with my ex. The boy I like goes out with girls and then a few weeks later dumps them for someone else, he even did it to a girl he loved. He wanted her back in the end but she didn't want to know anymore and I don't want to be messed about. My friend thinks that cause he really likes me alot he won't do it to me, but if he did it to someone he loved I don't see why I should be any different. Or do I give him a chance because people can change.Also I'm worried that when I do get another boyfriend I'll be too embarrased about my weight. I know I'm not really fat, but some parts of my body I hate like I think the top of my legs are fat but on pictures they don't look fat. People have told me how pretty they think I am and I deserve better but I'm a bit worried about getting hurt again even though I don't love my ex anymore he still left me when I needed him most and made me go through the miscarriage on my own. I was in hospital 8 hours starting the miscarriage off because I'd had a missed miscarriage. Even when I was still pregnant and I told this boy about what had happened, he was still really nice to me and told me if I ever needed anything he'd be there for me and then he was there at this party and carried on being nice to me. Even if me and this boy don't start going out, I'll still hang about with him and everything but I just don't know what to do. I don't want to be in another bad relationship but that was his past where he messed girls about. And I'm not saying that I'm the right person for him, but could I be the person that makes him realise what he did was wrong as he does seem to care about me.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (3 March 2008):
 I like the advice that everyone gave, but I agree more with Tellulah. I like it particularly because Tellulah is advising you, poster, to stand your ground and be bold and brave. That is what you need, and not only now, because someone was abusing you and trying to put you down, but forever in life.
I'm glad to see that you consider yourself lucky because that man left you. You were lucky, indeed; you are now free to pursue your own interests and live your own life. So, in line with what Tellulah said, you will be giving guys a chance, and not the other way around.
You're not a bad person, and I must say you're a strong one. Where so many other girls would have quickly thought about abortion, you didn't; you were willing to take whatever came. And you're not ugly at all. Annalisa is right: WE LOVE CURVES. We like the skinny women, but, like my grandpa used to say, "but... they are called sins of the flesh". You're a tall woman and, if you find the right man, that will be a hell of a plus in your favor. So don't worry about being ugly or whatever. You're fine, period.
Sometimes people change if they meet the one person that sweeps their feet off the floor. I'm not sure, however, that you're that person for that guy. Be careful. He's been a player so far, and maybe he won't change. He listed to you and your problems, but, if he's a bad apple, now he knows you're weak and he might control you if he pulls the right strings. So, be strong, and careful, and, I insist, remember that you're giving him a chance, not the other way around.
I tend to think that you should not date him. There's plenty of fish in the sea and you don't have to start over with a piranha if you can have salmon, or tuna, or grouper, or whatever you like that won't eat you alive. But you can do what hlskitten suggests.
A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (3 March 2008):
 Hi
If you can still hang out with this guy, i would keep it at just that, for now atleast.
The misscarriage wasnt something you should of had to go through on your own, but thats the trouble with young people, they run when the going gets tough.
How do you know for sure this guy loved the girl he was with that he left? Doesnt sound much like he did. But no doubt if he meets someone he really likes, he will treat them well. Its probably not so much about changing, but just needing to find the right girl that presses his buttons.
You will know better by just staying mates with him for now, and even if he meets someone else to date, you can see if he treats them ok. I'm a big believer in what will be will be, if you are meant to get together, you will do.
And your ex sounds like a right bozo that slated you to keep your confidence low. Its a classic trick that control freaks do to keep your self asteem low and stop you having the confidence to find someone better and keep you under their control.
Good luck.
C xxxxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2008): I don't think you should go out with the boy just yet as your emotions are still raw. I know what it is like to be abused emotionally and your confidence has taken a knock. If he is like you say his is how would you feel if he dumped you in two months time. You can be friends with him first and see whether your feeling are right or whether you just need someone to lean on. One thing I will say is that your a strong person, it is hard to think of yourself as beautiful when someone constantly puts you down all the time. Just look in the mirror and tell yourself what you love about your body and about you ( cute ass, you caring, a good friend etc) this will start changing the way you feel about yourself.
But the best advise I can give you is get counselling where you can tell a non judjemental person your fears and also about the miscarriage which is a very traumtic event. Be strong and don't judge yourself harshly.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (3 March 2008):
 Darling you worry to much! and thats your biggest problem. Your ex has made you feel bad about yourself, when he is the one that should feel bad, not you.
Get your priority's right. First there is no way that you are fat. Second, if your mates tell you your pretty then believe them. Third, you do not deserve to be treated like crap by anyone, so dont let them.
If you want to give this guy a chance, then go out with him. But remember it's you that's giving him the chance not the other way round. So if he does start to play you up, then GET RID, as my mates would say.
Start to believe and love yourself honey, and everything else will fall into place.
XX
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